10 Life Lessons Gained From Saved by the Bell

If you’re a 90’s brat like I was, there wasn’t a Saturday morning that went by when you weren’t tuned in to Saved by the Bell. I’m a grown man of thirtysomething, and you’ll still catch me occasionally watching syndicated re-runs. It’s an experience that sincerely shaped my childhood, as I suspect it did many of yours. As such, there were some important lessons I learned from watching this show for years. There are several other blog authors out there who share the life lessons they acquired from the show. Here are mine:

1. If you love it enough, an eating establishment can turn you into an uncompromising activist. The gang had the Max. I have Jimmy John’s. I can bet any amount of money if JJ’s was set to close like the Max was, I’d do anything (including, but not limited to, doing a telethon and inviting my World Civilizations teacher to relive his glory days from the 1960’s) to save it. If my activism fell short, I’d rely on Slater to swoop in and save the day with a motivational speech. If he wasn’t available, I’d try D. West.

2. Caffeine is deadly. Far worse than alcohol, coke, or crack, the properties in caffeine will cause users to lose their minds. As a recovering Starbucks ice coffee addict (one day at a time), I know. I’ve seen the lines wrapped around the corner. I’ve seen the people pulling tricks for their score (maybe not alley sex, but definitely something soul compromising. Especially with the people who are “regulars”). I’ve seen the people use code names for their drinks to throw the cops off. If The Wire had “blue tops”, “Pandemic”, and “WMDs”, Starbucks has “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam.” Laugh at Jesse all you want, but I’ve seen cats leaving Starbucks singing stuff far worse than “I’m So Excited.”

OK. Maybe not.

3. Corporations should be afraid of animals. Very afraid. If Saved by the Bell has taught me one thing, it’s that animals are Kryptonite to corporations. If they screw over consumers and create financial havok throughout global markets, it’s all good. The government will still bail them out. If they engage in inhumane child labor practices, everything is dandy on our end as long as their prices stay low for us. But messing around with animals? Oh, it’s on and poppin’! When Zack held his lifeless duck in his arms as it was victimized by an oil spill, he had a look of vengeance in his eyes that should give any oil tycoon nightmares. After a commercial break’s worth of grieving, he and the gang took on those evil tycoons. In the ultimate David vs. Goliath story, they successfully put an end to Bayside’s corporate takeover, and did do far more effectively than any DC lobbyist, SEC official, politician, or Supreme Court justice ever could. All they needed were a few oil derrick models, a can of oil to “accidentally” spill on folk, and a clever closing argument.

4. College admissions are a joke. Zack Morris, who was actually one credit short of even graduating high school, was somehow still able to get accepted to Yale. His ridiculously high SAT score – earned with Powerball-level luck no doubt – got him into an Ivy League school while Jesse’s flawless high school record couldn’t even land her in an Ivy League school wannabe. But at least she had help from James, their failed actor friend who played the role of a Harvard admissions rep begging her to come to “his” school. Only then did Stansbury realize the mistake they made. To this day, Yale has never owned up to their admissions snafu.

5. It’s absolutely possible to be a likable sociopath. I didn’t think about it much as a kid. But looking at Saved by the Bell from the eyes of an adult, I’m starting to realize that Zack was a monster. But, if you make him a hearthrob for the ladies and guy all other guys want to emulate, it’s easy to overlook (and perhaps even justify) his sociopathic tendencies. I know, we all need help.

6. On the other hand, you can’t entirely blame sociopaths for the gullibility of their victims. Sure, Zack was a con artist and a manipulator even to the people he called his friends. But let’s not allow his dumb-as-a-doorknob victims off the hook either. I mean, who in their right minds would ride a driver’s ed car indoors? What adult (aside from R-Kelly perhaps) would use a pictorial calendar full of underaged girls as the source to find his newest Paris model? Who would really believe that Slater was dying without asking him? Even Screech, who was quite familiar with Zack’s nefarious antics, still went along with every single scheme. In response to one of Zack’s ideas, Screech said “The last time you said that to me I ended up with my tongue stuck to a moving airplane!” If this is a guy you still trust, you deserve whatever he does to you. Sorry, not sorry.

7. Trust your parents on some things. But on other things? Not so much. You should definitely listen to your parents when they preach to you about the importance of not drinking and driving in toga outfits, running up a credit card (where was that advice when I was in college mom and dad?!), or using fake IDs to get into a nightclub. But parents aren’t always right. Take Screech and Violet. When Screech met Violet, her parents weren’t exactly feelin’ him. In response, they forbad (I’m sorry, but that word always sounded a bit weird to me) her from seeing him ever again. Yeah, they were wrong. When their precious angel almost lost her glee club’s singing contest by forgetting the words to the song (an argument could be made, however, that the choir sucked so bad they could’ve lost all by themselves), Screech rode in and saved the day. Granted, he sucked pretty bad too. But when you’re the main characters of a cheesy, teen’s show in the 90’s, excellence is not exactly a requirement. But I digress. Getting back on point, don’t let your parents pick your mate. The person they may see as a socially awkward and inept goof might actually be your ride-or-die mate.

8. The younger sibling may be the cooler one, but the older one is always better. Sorry, baby bro. Love you though! Oh, that probably applies to my wife too. Sorry babe! Love you too!

9. Persistence will lead to abject failure. There’s nothing in Heaven or Earth worse than unrequited love. When you throw yourself at a person, there is no worse feeling than when that person steps to the side as you crash into the brick wall behind her. That was Screech’s life story. Episode after episode, he professed his love for Lisa. But each time she told him to kick rocks. While Zack was dating every single girl in California and studio audiences were fawning over Slater in spadex suits, poor Screech had to endure the heartache of Lisa giving him the hand. To be fair, she never led him on. He just needed to give it a rest. “Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em. Know when to walk away, know when to run.” Truer words were never spoken. However, as a counter to this argument…

10. Persistence can also lead to unimaginable success. After years of on and off again relationships, in the end Zack and Kelly became Zack and Kelly for good. Granted, Zack had to date quite a few girls (and, yes, one boy. You remember Screech and Bambi, right?) in between. He dated homeless girls, airheads, school nurses, his best friend’s sister, handicapped girls, college girls, Eastern snobs, female wrestlers, plus-sized girls, and biker girls…which all led to him snagging Kelly once and for all. How relatable is that? I dated women of all makeups (not as many as Zack though. My game was lacking) only to wind up marrying my lifelong sweetheart in the end.  

In the end, the greatest lesson I took away from the show was that – no matter what was going on in life – everything will be alright. Why? Because I was saved by the bell.

– ACL

Money Wasted and Casting the First Stone

Generally speaking, I don’t use my blog as a platform to discuss celebrity news. But I believe that – even in the vacuous world of the celebrity – social commentary can be found in one way or another. The following is a prime example:

First, the story: Billionaire media mogul Oprah Winfrey has been all in the headlines this week for offering up an anecdote about a potentially racial encounter she experienced in Switzerland. While she was at an upscale store there, she asked to see a $38,000 handbag. Apparently the clerk refused to show her the bag, assuming she wasn’t able to afford it. Since the time Oprah shared this story, she has oddly apologized over the misunderstanding (my guess is so that she can save face with her largely white following. But that’s neither here nor there).

My initial reaction to the story was “Damn. That was racist.” [Well actually, my VERY first thought was “Wait. Who, in all of heaven and Earth, doesn’t know who Oprah is?” But I digress.] The fact is: the clerk made an assumption (a very costly one) about Oprah’s ability to pay for the bag solely off of her appearance. Black people in this country are almost instinctively hardwired to believe that our racial appearance often dictates how people view us even before a word exits our mouth. That being said, I understand Oprah’s inclination to suspect the role of race in this situation.  So ends that conversation.

But in an interesting turn of events, Dr. Melissa Harris-Perry – a scholar whom I deeply respect – went in another direction. Rather than focusing on the moment, Harris-Perry goes in hard on Oprah and her spending habits. Check it:

One the surface, I get it. There is an ongoing belief that wealthy folks must be held to a higher standard with their money because of their status. The handbag that Oprah was looking at was worth more than many families in this country bring home in a year. Kimye’s decision to spend over $700,000 on toilet seats is ridiculous in a country where children are sleeping on the streets. Puffy buying his kid a $360,000 car as a birthday gift reeks of social irresponsibility. In general, the spending habits of celebrities is out of control and far out of touch. I hear you loud and clear. And I agree.

But here’s where my issue lies (and even I’M surprised I feel this way): what this boils down is us casting judgement on wealthy people for doing (or not doing) deeds with their money in a manner satisfactory enough for us. In that same vein though, I have to ask: are we? While we criticize celebrities for the way they spend their income, how can we justify receiving an income that far exceeds what we actually need in life? I’m quite sure that at one point or another, each of us has devoted our resources to non-essential deeds or items; none of which have actually contributed to society. If you don’t believe me: ask yourself why you traded in a perfectly fine vehicle just to get a new one. Ask yourself why you’re spending money on bottled water when tap water works just as well. Ask yourself why you’re going out to eat when you have food in your fridge? Ask yourself why you’re living in a house that costs $150,000 when you could have purchased one for $50,000. Ask yourself why you spend a hoard of money on Christmas gifts each year. Do we need that stuff, or do we just want it?

I’ll go on record agreeing that $38,000 is way too much for a handbag. But I say all this while I’m still fuming over a bad flat screen TV I bought to replace a perfectly good tube TV I had. I say this knowing that I have three monitors on my computer at work (because, you know, one monitor is soooo 2008). I say this while I check Facebook notifications from my $600 mass of hotness and badassery smartphone. I’m sure many of you can lay claim to some of the same kinds of items.

The point of this post isn’t to make you feel bad about how you spend your money. Not at all. But while you’re spending your money on stuff you don’t need, you can’t righteously attack celebs who do so. I defer to my Savior BFF: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I found that verse scrolling though the Bible app on my $600 phone.

– ACL

Why I HATE beauty pageants

Warning: if you have small children, you might want them to leave the room now. This won’t be pretty.

My quick takeaway. While this wasn’t nearly as bad as the epic failure otherwise known as Miss Teen South Carolina, it was still pretty cringe worthy. But ultimately, this goes back to the argument I’ve made countless times before: questions like that shouldn’t be asked in the first place. It’s a flippin’ beauty contest. The contestants’ job is to stroll around in bikinis and evening gowns, not to answer questions that could stump even the most notable intellectuals (OK, I’m exaggerating. The questions aren’t THAT hard. *facepalm*). None of these folks will ever have access to the nuclear codes. They won’t be shaping public policy. The last beauty contestant to come that close (still shuddering at the thought) was Sarah Palin. God willing, none of these contestants follow in her footsteps.

And that, my dear friends, is my rant of the day.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

– ACL

The Purge: What Would You Do?

So I had a chance to see The Purge last week. Without giving away too many spoilers (the trailer pretty much does that already), the movie takes places in a not-so-distant future 10 years from now. Both the unemployment and crime rates are down by record numbers. America, it appears, has never been more perfect. The catalyst for this seemingly utopian society is The Purge – an annual 12-hour period where all activities, including murder, are legal. This night is supposed to operate as a period of catharsis, allowing people to unleash all of their pent up anger and frustration; officially “purging” them of their desire to commit crime during the rest of the year.

I won’t give away too much more of the story. But I will say the movie – while having limitless potential on how good it could have been – was a bit of a failure for me. Revealing plotholes, cliched characters, a somewhat predictable ending, etc took away from an otherwise brilliant concept of a movie. I’ll let you watch the movie and decide for yourself what you think. The main point of this post is to present a “what if” scenario. What if  The Purge was real? What if the government sanctioned a period of time where no activities were off-limits? Could you see yourself committing an illegal activity? Robbery? Vandalism? Murder?

I was being a little tongue-in-cheek when I tweeted a list of my Purge “victims.” Now, before you call the cops on me, please know I was joking. Sheesh. Stop being so sensitive. But truth be told, the movie did do a good job of forcing me to think about what I would do if I was presented with a no-holds-barred situation like this. I’m quite confident I wouldn’t kill anybody. But I’m not sure I’d be the complete purist either. In the movie, some people opted not to participate and kept themselves locked up in their homes during the night. That might work for a while. But I suspect that over time, most of us would be seduced by the urge to participate in one way or another.

So, holler at me: do you think you’d do anything during The Purge? Relax folks. I’m pretty sure (not 100%, but close. Like, I dunno, 27% sure) that none of you responses will incriminate you. While it’s true that the feds are probably watching us right at this moment, it’s not like you’re actually doing it. No jury would convict you.

What say you?

– ACL

Why People Love Scandal

My theory about why people love Scandal so much:

Um, yeah. I think I pretty much nailed this one.

– ACL