My Quick Guide to Game of Thrones

Viewing audiences worldwide have been eagerly anticipating the start of the new season of Game of Thrones. So many complex storylines, intriguing characters, and killings of said intriguing characters have come full circle for this defining moment in television history. The final two seasons of the show are promising to epic. If the first six seasons serve as any indication, I believe they will be. If you aren’t on the GoT bandwagon, one, what the hell planet are you on? But, two, you still have time to jump on board. If you decide that you might want to give it a shot, let this post serve as a quick guide (not to outdo the brilliant Black People’s Guide to Game of Thrones by the Root). I’ll discuss what the show involves (obviously without spoilers), what makes it so cool, and what you should expect. By the time you finish this, I’ll have you on board faster than you can say “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

Ill start by assuring you thst show is a must-see and is absolutely worthy of the time it would take you to watch it all. In fact, I’d probably rank it as one of the greatest shows of all time. Easily in my Top 5. The Wire, GoT, Breaking Bad, The Twilight Zone, The Sopranos. That order.

The show is basically about several families vying to be top dog by claiming the Iron Throne. Questions of lineage, birthright, and meritocracy all play a role in determining who should or should not rule the GoT world. The show, based on the wildly popular book series written by sadist George RR Martin, looks at the rises, falls, and reemergence of kingdoms and the paths they took/will take to accomplish their ultimate goals. It’s almost, dare I say, American.

If I’ve captured your interest and you’re ready to dive in, here’s what you should know:

(1) It’s critical that you start from the beginning. Some shows are created in a way where individual episodes can be independent of one another. GoT provides no such liberty. If your first experience with GoT is the beginning of Season 7, you won’t have a clue what’s going on and it will be quite overwhelming. The sight of snow zombies, dragons, kids who can possess the mind of animals while traveling though time, and child assassins who can switch faces is a lot for anybody to take in all at once. Never mind trying to understand lineages, “houses”, and individual characters and their attributes. Go back to the beginning to absorb everything…and give the show your undivided attention. Even I, a fan from the start, had to go back and re-watch the series to pick up on things I missed before.

(2) Don’t get attached to too many characters. Chances are high they won’t be around very long. GoT is known for its prolific and unpredictable violence and for killing off popular characters. My God, one of my favorite people in the entire GoT universe was a goner by the end of the first season. Some of my favorite characters have been able to stick around (one of whom was actually killed at one point…long story, and I won’t provide details. Because, spoilers). But GoT’s penchant for killing is well-known. In fact, a leaked script from Season 7 originally had me listed as one of the characters killed.

(3) To that point, GoT will also take out women and children (even innocent ones) with absolutely no compunction. Not only that, they’ll do so in some of the worst ways imaginable. For all the nobility and sophistication you’ll find in a show that features royalty, you’ll also find savagery far worse than you’ll ever find in any MMA cage. But fear not: GoT also remembers people who do bad things and won’t let them off the hook. Even though you’ll be mostly crying during the series, you’ll have some extremely satisfying moments to offset that.

(4) For the most part, characters aren’t “good” or “bad.” They just are. If there was one major accomplishment of this show, it’s that characters are so complicated that it’s virtually impossible to describe any of them using a good/bad dichotomy. Starks – the ‘good guys’ – do morally and politically questionable things. Lannisters – the ‘bad guys’ – express humanism and have redeeming qualities. Even somebody like the Hound who can kill innocent children can be a very likeable character. Don’t get me wrong: you’ll find some hopelessly evil characters in the series. But most are ambiguous, at best.

(5) The level of modern-day commentary is quite spot-on. No GoT storyline is as evident of that as The Wall, a thousand foot ice wall designed to keep others out, even if those others could be useful allies. Sound familiar?

(6) I will say that while GoT doesn’t turn a blind eye to diversity, it’s doesn’t exactly celebrate it. This is probably the one area of conflict for me. Outside of some very minor individual characters of color, groups of colored folks appear as either savages or slaves. I’m actually not trippin’ about that enough to make me stop watching the show. But the part of me always looking for equal racial representation in shows looks at that component of the show with a hint of criticism.

(7) Finally, the show is smart. Scratch that. The show is intellectual. From the wry humor to the sophisticated dialogue to the intricate plots and storylines, this show will force you to pay attention. Your IQ is guaranteed to jump 5 points once you’re caught up. But please don’t be scared off by any of that. The Internet is full of recaps, summaries, and explanations. Hell, YouTube comments are as educational as any textbook could ever be.

If you’re not a Thrones person yet, I dare you to watch the first few episodes of season one and see if you’re hooked yet.  I can almost wager money that by the first few episodes, you’ll officially declare yourself a member of #TeamHouse____. Before long, you’ll become so much of an expert that you’ll know to run for the hills when they play “Rains of Castamere” at somebody’s wedding.

I swear this by the old gods and the new.

-ACL

10 Life Lessons Gained From Saved by the Bell

If you’re a 90’s brat like I was, there wasn’t a Saturday morning that went by when you weren’t tuned in to Saved by the Bell. I’m a grown man of thirtysomething, and you’ll still catch me occasionally watching syndicated re-runs. It’s an experience that sincerely shaped my childhood, as I suspect it did many of yours. As such, there were some important lessons I learned from watching this show for years. There are several other blog authors out there who share the life lessons they acquired from the show. Here are mine:

1. If you love it enough, an eating establishment can turn you into an uncompromising activist. The gang had the Max. I have Jimmy John’s. I can bet any amount of money if JJ’s was set to close like the Max was, I’d do anything (including, but not limited to, doing a telethon and inviting my World Civilizations teacher to relive his glory days from the 1960’s) to save it. If my activism fell short, I’d rely on Slater to swoop in and save the day with a motivational speech. If he wasn’t available, I’d try D. West.

2. Caffeine is deadly. Far worse than alcohol, coke, or crack, the properties in caffeine will cause users to lose their minds. As a recovering Starbucks ice coffee addict (one day at a time), I know. I’ve seen the lines wrapped around the corner. I’ve seen the people pulling tricks for their score (maybe not alley sex, but definitely something soul compromising. Especially with the people who are “regulars”). I’ve seen the people use code names for their drinks to throw the cops off. If The Wire had “blue tops”, “Pandemic”, and “WMDs”, Starbucks has “non-fat, grande, soy chai latte with a half shot of espresso and no foam.” Laugh at Jesse all you want, but I’ve seen cats leaving Starbucks singing stuff far worse than “I’m So Excited.”

OK. Maybe not.

3. Corporations should be afraid of animals. Very afraid. If Saved by the Bell has taught me one thing, it’s that animals are Kryptonite to corporations. If they screw over consumers and create financial havok throughout global markets, it’s all good. The government will still bail them out. If they engage in inhumane child labor practices, everything is dandy on our end as long as their prices stay low for us. But messing around with animals? Oh, it’s on and poppin’! When Zack held his lifeless duck in his arms as it was victimized by an oil spill, he had a look of vengeance in his eyes that should give any oil tycoon nightmares. After a commercial break’s worth of grieving, he and the gang took on those evil tycoons. In the ultimate David vs. Goliath story, they successfully put an end to Bayside’s corporate takeover, and did do far more effectively than any DC lobbyist, SEC official, politician, or Supreme Court justice ever could. All they needed were a few oil derrick models, a can of oil to “accidentally” spill on folk, and a clever closing argument.

4. College admissions are a joke. Zack Morris, who was actually one credit short of even graduating high school, was somehow still able to get accepted to Yale. His ridiculously high SAT score – earned with Powerball-level luck no doubt – got him into an Ivy League school while Jesse’s flawless high school record couldn’t even land her in an Ivy League school wannabe. But at least she had help from James, their failed actor friend who played the role of a Harvard admissions rep begging her to come to “his” school. Only then did Stansbury realize the mistake they made. To this day, Yale has never owned up to their admissions snafu.

5. It’s absolutely possible to be a likable sociopath. I didn’t think about it much as a kid. But looking at Saved by the Bell from the eyes of an adult, I’m starting to realize that Zack was a monster. But, if you make him a hearthrob for the ladies and guy all other guys want to emulate, it’s easy to overlook (and perhaps even justify) his sociopathic tendencies. I know, we all need help.

6. On the other hand, you can’t entirely blame sociopaths for the gullibility of their victims. Sure, Zack was a con artist and a manipulator even to the people he called his friends. But let’s not allow his dumb-as-a-doorknob victims off the hook either. I mean, who in their right minds would ride a driver’s ed car indoors? What adult (aside from R-Kelly perhaps) would use a pictorial calendar full of underaged girls as the source to find his newest Paris model? Who would really believe that Slater was dying without asking him? Even Screech, who was quite familiar with Zack’s nefarious antics, still went along with every single scheme. In response to one of Zack’s ideas, Screech said “The last time you said that to me I ended up with my tongue stuck to a moving airplane!” If this is a guy you still trust, you deserve whatever he does to you. Sorry, not sorry.

7. Trust your parents on some things. But on other things? Not so much. You should definitely listen to your parents when they preach to you about the importance of not drinking and driving in toga outfits, running up a credit card (where was that advice when I was in college mom and dad?!), or using fake IDs to get into a nightclub. But parents aren’t always right. Take Screech and Violet. When Screech met Violet, her parents weren’t exactly feelin’ him. In response, they forbad (I’m sorry, but that word always sounded a bit weird to me) her from seeing him ever again. Yeah, they were wrong. When their precious angel almost lost her glee club’s singing contest by forgetting the words to the song (an argument could be made, however, that the choir sucked so bad they could’ve lost all by themselves), Screech rode in and saved the day. Granted, he sucked pretty bad too. But when you’re the main characters of a cheesy, teen’s show in the 90’s, excellence is not exactly a requirement. But I digress. Getting back on point, don’t let your parents pick your mate. The person they may see as a socially awkward and inept goof might actually be your ride-or-die mate.

8. The younger sibling may be the cooler one, but the older one is always better. Sorry, baby bro. Love you though! Oh, that probably applies to my wife too. Sorry babe! Love you too!

9. Persistence will lead to abject failure. There’s nothing in Heaven or Earth worse than unrequited love. When you throw yourself at a person, there is no worse feeling than when that person steps to the side as you crash into the brick wall behind her. That was Screech’s life story. Episode after episode, he professed his love for Lisa. But each time she told him to kick rocks. While Zack was dating every single girl in California and studio audiences were fawning over Slater in spadex suits, poor Screech had to endure the heartache of Lisa giving him the hand. To be fair, she never led him on. He just needed to give it a rest. “Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em. Know when to walk away, know when to run.” Truer words were never spoken. However, as a counter to this argument…

10. Persistence can also lead to unimaginable success. After years of on and off again relationships, in the end Zack and Kelly became Zack and Kelly for good. Granted, Zack had to date quite a few girls (and, yes, one boy. You remember Screech and Bambi, right?) in between. He dated homeless girls, airheads, school nurses, his best friend’s sister, handicapped girls, college girls, Eastern snobs, female wrestlers, plus-sized girls, and biker girls…which all led to him snagging Kelly once and for all. How relatable is that? I dated women of all makeups (not as many as Zack though. My game was lacking) only to wind up marrying my lifelong sweetheart in the end.  

In the end, the greatest lesson I took away from the show was that – no matter what was going on in life – everything will be alright. Why? Because I was saved by the bell.

– ACL

Money Wasted and Casting the First Stone

Generally speaking, I don’t use my blog as a platform to discuss celebrity news. But I believe that – even in the vacuous world of the celebrity – social commentary can be found in one way or another. The following is a prime example:

First, the story: Billionaire media mogul Oprah Winfrey has been all in the headlines this week for offering up an anecdote about a potentially racial encounter she experienced in Switzerland. While she was at an upscale store there, she asked to see a $38,000 handbag. Apparently the clerk refused to show her the bag, assuming she wasn’t able to afford it. Since the time Oprah shared this story, she has oddly apologized over the misunderstanding (my guess is so that she can save face with her largely white following. But that’s neither here nor there).

My initial reaction to the story was “Damn. That was racist.” [Well actually, my VERY first thought was “Wait. Who, in all of heaven and Earth, doesn’t know who Oprah is?” But I digress.] The fact is: the clerk made an assumption (a very costly one) about Oprah’s ability to pay for the bag solely off of her appearance. Black people in this country are almost instinctively hardwired to believe that our racial appearance often dictates how people view us even before a word exits our mouth. That being said, I understand Oprah’s inclination to suspect the role of race in this situation.  So ends that conversation.

But in an interesting turn of events, Dr. Melissa Harris-Perry – a scholar whom I deeply respect – went in another direction. Rather than focusing on the moment, Harris-Perry goes in hard on Oprah and her spending habits. Check it:

One the surface, I get it. There is an ongoing belief that wealthy folks must be held to a higher standard with their money because of their status. The handbag that Oprah was looking at was worth more than many families in this country bring home in a year. Kimye’s decision to spend over $700,000 on toilet seats is ridiculous in a country where children are sleeping on the streets. Puffy buying his kid a $360,000 car as a birthday gift reeks of social irresponsibility. In general, the spending habits of celebrities is out of control and far out of touch. I hear you loud and clear. And I agree.

But here’s where my issue lies (and even I’M surprised I feel this way): what this boils down is us casting judgement on wealthy people for doing (or not doing) deeds with their money in a manner satisfactory enough for us. In that same vein though, I have to ask: are we? While we criticize celebrities for the way they spend their income, how can we justify receiving an income that far exceeds what we actually need in life? I’m quite sure that at one point or another, each of us has devoted our resources to non-essential deeds or items; none of which have actually contributed to society. If you don’t believe me: ask yourself why you traded in a perfectly fine vehicle just to get a new one. Ask yourself why you’re spending money on bottled water when tap water works just as well. Ask yourself why you’re going out to eat when you have food in your fridge? Ask yourself why you’re living in a house that costs $150,000 when you could have purchased one for $50,000. Ask yourself why you spend a hoard of money on Christmas gifts each year. Do we need that stuff, or do we just want it?

I’ll go on record agreeing that $38,000 is way too much for a handbag. But I say all this while I’m still fuming over a bad flat screen TV I bought to replace a perfectly good tube TV I had. I say this knowing that I have three monitors on my computer at work (because, you know, one monitor is soooo 2008). I say this while I check Facebook notifications from my $600 mass of hotness and badassery smartphone. I’m sure many of you can lay claim to some of the same kinds of items.

The point of this post isn’t to make you feel bad about how you spend your money. Not at all. But while you’re spending your money on stuff you don’t need, you can’t righteously attack celebs who do so. I defer to my Savior BFF: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

I found that verse scrolling though the Bible app on my $600 phone.

– ACL

Why I HATE beauty pageants

Warning: if you have small children, you might want them to leave the room now. This won’t be pretty.

My quick takeaway. While this wasn’t nearly as bad as the epic failure otherwise known as Miss Teen South Carolina, it was still pretty cringe worthy. But ultimately, this goes back to the argument I’ve made countless times before: questions like that shouldn’t be asked in the first place. It’s a flippin’ beauty contest. The contestants’ job is to stroll around in bikinis and evening gowns, not to answer questions that could stump even the most notable intellectuals (OK, I’m exaggerating. The questions aren’t THAT hard. *facepalm*). None of these folks will ever have access to the nuclear codes. They won’t be shaping public policy. The last beauty contestant to come that close (still shuddering at the thought) was Sarah Palin. God willing, none of these contestants follow in her footsteps.

And that, my dear friends, is my rant of the day.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

– ACL

The Purge: What Would You Do?

So I had a chance to see The Purge last week. Without giving away too many spoilers (the trailer pretty much does that already), the movie takes places in a not-so-distant future 10 years from now. Both the unemployment and crime rates are down by record numbers. America, it appears, has never been more perfect. The catalyst for this seemingly utopian society is The Purge – an annual 12-hour period where all activities, including murder, are legal. This night is supposed to operate as a period of catharsis, allowing people to unleash all of their pent up anger and frustration; officially “purging” them of their desire to commit crime during the rest of the year.

I won’t give away too much more of the story. But I will say the movie – while having limitless potential on how good it could have been – was a bit of a failure for me. Revealing plotholes, cliched characters, a somewhat predictable ending, etc took away from an otherwise brilliant concept of a movie. I’ll let you watch the movie and decide for yourself what you think. The main point of this post is to present a “what if” scenario. What if  The Purge was real? What if the government sanctioned a period of time where no activities were off-limits? Could you see yourself committing an illegal activity? Robbery? Vandalism? Murder?

I was being a little tongue-in-cheek when I tweeted a list of my Purge “victims.” Now, before you call the cops on me, please know I was joking. Sheesh. Stop being so sensitive. But truth be told, the movie did do a good job of forcing me to think about what I would do if I was presented with a no-holds-barred situation like this. I’m quite confident I wouldn’t kill anybody. But I’m not sure I’d be the complete purist either. In the movie, some people opted not to participate and kept themselves locked up in their homes during the night. That might work for a while. But I suspect that over time, most of us would be seduced by the urge to participate in one way or another.

So, holler at me: do you think you’d do anything during The Purge? Relax folks. I’m pretty sure (not 100%, but close. Like, I dunno, 27% sure) that none of you responses will incriminate you. While it’s true that the feds are probably watching us right at this moment, it’s not like you’re actually doing it. No jury would convict you.

What say you?

– ACL