Why Spy Microwaves Should Be the LEAST of Your Concerns

Spies are lurking all around your house.

In an interview this week, White House advisor and resident spin-master Kellyanne Conway claimed that microwaves, yep, these joints, can be used as surveillance tools; a remark that came off the heels of an alleged wiretapping of President Trump by President Obama. As expected, her remarks immediately captured the attention of the news media and the nation at large. The onslaught was fierce.

Since being eviscerated in the news and all over social media, Conway has since ‘clarified’ her remarks, by speaking generally about the nature of high-tech surveillance and not about specific accusations toward Obama. However, the intrepid host of this blog thinks you all have been a little rough on Lady KaC (what? We go back a ways. I’m entitled to give her a nickname). While the microwave example was a bit off, she’s got every right to be legitimately concerned about everyday household appliances and gadgets spying on us. Why? Because they are. Trust me: by the time I’m done, I promise that you won’t trust all the goings on in your home the same way again.

Here are a list of items that are absolutely, probably, definitely, maybe spying on us at this very moment:

The stove: Um, yeah. If an appliance has the ability to clean itself, it stands to reason it can also cover its tracks pretty well without you ever detecting its activity. You think that’s grime and food residue being cleaned? Negative. That doggone stove is cleaning out its cache.

The NutriNinja™: I mean, it’s right in the name. When it comes to promoting its own healthy agenda, not only does this whirling dervish of an appliance extract the hell out of some nutrients, but it’s stealthy as as outdoors. I swear that NutriNinja™ secretly added kale to my smoothie the other day. I mean, who would eat that mess otherwise? Sneaky little bastard.

Your KitchenAid™ Mixer: Not only does this mixer work a little too well,  it has also shown no compunction about getting political. Remember when The KitchenAid™ “jokingly” tweeted about the death of Obama’s grandmother? Bad taste, no doubt. But lost in the conversation was the fact that a mixer was tweeting in the first place. Think about that for a second. A machine, a mixer no less, was following the election and tweeting about it. If you think it was just some social media handler straight out of college writing that tweet, you’re wrong. That’s exactly what it wants you to think. But the truth is out there. It did the tweeting, NOT some low level company intern. So if a machine is out there trolling people on Twitter, then – comparatively speaking – spying on you is a piece of cake. Cake, ironically enough, probably made by your KitchenAid.

The refrigerator: Think about it. Contrary to popular belief, the light inside the fridge is not there to help you see when you’re grabbing a late-night snack. No, sir. That light is there to illuminate the subject and make them more visible on camera. Putting night vision technology next to the eggs would’ve been a little too obvious. Well played, CIA. Well played.

Blu-Ray players: How many of you knew that the “Blu” in Blu-Ray stood for “Biometric Listening Unit?” None of you. That’s who.

Netflix: Of all the diabolical spies in your house, Netflix is the worst. It disguises itself as a low-cost streaming media service with amazing movies and TV shows. But, in reality, it’s a privacy-invading, information-stealing monster. I mean, each time I finish watching a great movie or TV show, it suggests some other title I’d like based on the programming I’ve been watching. Somehow, it’s been correct every. single. time. Some might say that Netflix has some kind of predictive algorithm built in that can anticipate what shows/movies I might like. But there’s no way in hell it could’ve predicted how much I’d love Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt just because I watched House of Cards. They ain’t nowhere near related. The only way Netflix would’ve known that was by spying on me that one time I said to my wife “You know, that Kimmy show looks kinda good”, as we were watching Frank kill Zoe (oh yeah, spoiler alert).

There you have it. This is but a small sample of the things in your household spying on you. Don’t believe all you want. But if I were you, I’d watch what you say around your toaster. You never know who’s listening.

– ACL

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How To Parent in Trump’s America

If you’re anything like me, you’re raising young children who have only known a world with Barack Obama as president. So naturally, having an obnoxious brat who acts a hair less mature than they do is gonna take a bit of getting used to. Well, here at the Unmitigated Word, I have committed myself to helping people as much as possible. I love you all and only want the best for our future generations. That said, I’ve put together a few tips you can following for parenting in Trump’s America:

• While it’s important to hear what’s on your child’s mind, avoid the temptation of starting your line of questioning with “So, tell me: what the f*** do you think happened?”
• Explain to them how it is never – and stress the word “never” – OK to invite Toby Keith to perform anywhere, especially at a party in your honor.
• Assure them that none of this is their fault. Unless they’re the type of person who support vain, narcissistic, petty, sociopathic, misogynistic bigots for President of the United States. Then it probably is their fault.
• Explain to them the dangerous of alcohol. But if they need a little something to help them sleep at night during the next four years, the Jack Daniels is stored in the kitchen, the third cabinet to the right of the stove. If they’ve hit the spice drawer, they’ve gone too far.
• If they ask why Melania Trump is always looking sad, remind them that marrying for money is never a good idea. Unless, of course, you also know a great divorce lawyer.
• Remind them that Trump’s election is not the end of the world. At least not today, it isn’t.
• Remind them that no matter what, you’ll always be there to keep them safe. **Note: this may not necessarily apply to black men wearing hoodies or selling CDs, black women who get pulled over for mundane traffic violations, Muslims, or Mexicans seeking citizenship. In that case, your days in the states are probably numbered.**
• The “United We Stand” catchphrase is cute for bumper stickers, but is only really true immediately after a national tragedy. After that, our collective unity has an expiration date of about 10-15 minutes.
• If asked about the Electoral College, say “I don’t know sweetie. Sometimes, we Americans like nonsensical, outdated things which have worn out their welcome. Like Duck Dynasty, Velcro shoes, and the McRib.”
• Assure them that the government is not coming for them like they are for Muslims. But also tell them it’s not a bad idea to have a small bag packed, just in case.
• If you’re ever caught in a lie, just tell them you’re presenting alternative facts.

“Teach them well, and let them lead the way.” – Randy Watson, by way of the late, great Whitney Houston.

-ACL

If I was the GM of the Black Delegation

Ohhhh yeah! I forgot I still have a blog. For a minute there, I thought WordPress went through a systematic cleansing and purged itself of long-forgotten pages. But by some miracle, this joint is still around. So I guess that means I can still write to it. But don’t celebrate just yet: I really can’t promise that I’ll keep this thing going for much longer.

Anyway, for today’s installment I decided to do a little role-playing. I have Dave Chappelle to thank for this one. A few years ago, he wrote a brilliant sketch on his equally brilliant Chappelle Show called “Racial Draft”. In it, members from several racial groups acted as the “delegate” from that group, picking and choosing racially-ambiguous people that group wanted to draft as their own. In a word, this skit was legendary. In case you somehow haven’t seen it, which at this point in human history is impossible, here it is in all of its glory. Enjoy:

Inspired by this clip, the intrepid host of this blog thought to himself “Who would he draft or trade if he were ever the general manager of the black race?” Well, I’m glad you asked Mr. Imaginary Person.

First off, let me say that it was hard to narrow down the list. There were so many people to consider. Tavis Smiley, Jesse Lee Patterson, Larry Elder, Jaden and Willow Smith, that one black dude defending Dylann Roof, Crefalo Dollar, Emergency Manager Darnell Earley, Eddie Long, proponents of the confederate flag. The list is too exhaustive. So in the interest of time, here’s my top five list of black folk who would be immediately kicked off the team and traded for more deserving people.

(1) Dr. Ben Carson: Starting things off would be the trading of Dr. Ben Carson. Dr. Carson is an American tragedy in its truest form. He started off as a brilliant neurosurgeon fighting his way through a once racist and exclusionary institution like medicine to become a true pioneer in his field. But today? The man is completely off his rocker. Don’t get me wrong: black people are entitled to support the conservative cause all they want. Black people do not have to subscribe to the tenants of the democratic party if they don’t want to. And they should be able to subscribe to Republicanism without scathing criticism. But there’s something unsettling about most black Republicans. They tend to act paternalistic and loathsome towards the rest of their race; shunning anybody who doesn’t roll with their agenda. On top of that, he’s said some pretty ridiculous things. From suggesting that gun control kept unarmed Jews from defending themselves during the Holocaust to calling Obamacare the worst thing to happen to America since slavery, the man proves with every utterance that being educated is not the same thing as being smart.

Whom I’d trade for: Bernie Sanders. While it’s true that black folks – by and large – haven’t quite felt the Bern yet, give it time. If you recall another relatively unknown senator went up against the Clinton political machine…and won.

(2) Kayne West: Speaking of black men who have lost their ever-loving minds, Kanye West is now officially that dude who flew over the cuckoo’s nest. He’s gone from producing one of my favorite records of all time to becoming a Kardashian. Bruh, one Kardishian lover was on life support after being found unconscious in a brothel. Another one decided that after being with a Kardashian, it was time for him to give up on his gender entirely. Take the hint.

I miss the Kanye who was telling the world how much George Bush hates black people.

Whom I’d trade for: Sam Smith.  Not only does he sing a song as soulful as any brotha, he actually won a BET award. I’d welcome Sam to the ‘hood with open arms.

(3) Raven-Symone’: Full disclosure here. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been known to agree with a lot of what Raven  “I’m every-continent” Symone’ has had to say (I guess that means you people would be justified in calling me the Matt Millen of the racial draft. That’s a Detroit Lions’ reference for the uninitiated. A very unfortunate Lions’ reference). For instance, she took flack for making the same arguments I’ve made about the way we name our children. In fact, studies actually support the claim that biases are created based on names; among other things. So her being vocal is not my issue. My issue is her being vocal and harshly critical in front of a national audience. Airing our dirty laundry so openly substantiates the bigoted and narrow-minded thinking of other folks looking for a black face (or blackface, as the case may be) to justify their contemptuous thinking. What happens with the team stays in the locker room, Raven.

Whom I’d trade for: Rachel Dolezal. It’s pretty clear that she’d give anything to be black. She loves us just as we are and wouldn’t think twice about hiring a person named Bon’Quesha. All power to her. Just by sheer virtue of her body of work in social justice, she’d be a clear pick for my team. I’d probably even make her the franchise player.

(4) The Stump for Trump women: As GM, I couldn’t get rid of these bamas quick enough. Not only do they personify every single sassy, neck-twisting, finger-waving, loud-mouth stereotype about black women, they’re doing so to benefit a guy who clearly doesn’t have their interest at heart. Unless, of course, black people’s interests include getting rid of Mexicans and Muslims. But we all know that’s silly. America’s contempt with Mexicans and Muslims, if played correctly, could take the heat off black people. Light weights.

Oh, and even though Donald Trump is not on our team, I’d draft a contract ensuring that he could never be traded in one of these racial drafts. He’s toxic, divisive, and borderline crazy. Basically, he’s the Terrell Owens of politics.

Whom I’d trade for: George Lucas. Dude is worth a fortune, is married to a sista, and gave us Star Wars. Enough said.

(5) Stacey Dash: Stacey Dash has become the new black darling of the Republican party. She’s railed against Obama about as often as most people have coffee in the morning. She’s railed against the Black Lives Matter movement. She’s even called for the elimination of Black History Month, BET, and the NAACP (her numerous appearances on BET programming and music videos, her NAACP image award hosting, and modeling for black-targeted magazines notwithstanding, of course.)

Whom I’d trade for: OK, I’m lying. She’s too fine to release. You don’t trash a Benz just because the engine is loud and doesn’t work. First you try to fix the engine. If that doesn’t work, you learn to tune out that noise, chalk it up as a loss, and hoard the gorgeous, yet non-functioning machine. Granted, you’d probably have to lock it away in the deepest, darkest, corner of your garage. But you can still admire it from time to time because of its flawlessness. Even if it doesn’t run, it’s still a freakin’ Benz! Oh, what the hell? I’d make her a cheerleader on the squad…provided that she doesn’t…you know…talk. Like, ever.

– ACL

Why Women Are Vastly More Intelligent Than Men

I preface this post by acknowledging that the following “experiments” are hardly scientific. There is something valuable to be said about the importance of effective sampling strategies and properly using inferential statistics to reach conclusions that extend beyond the data available to you. But these two clips tell a pretty convincing story about how women are – sad to say – the more intelligent of the genders. Fellas, read ’em and weep:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Yes, it’s true that the sample size of the male respondents is significantly smaller than the female respondents. But a 50% success rate in asking 14 random men for sex versus a 0% – I repeat – ZERO PERCENT success rate in asking almost 10 times as many random women? Wow. Can’t argue with the numbers.

Women think with their heads. Men think with…well, you know…the other one. *facepalm*

– ACL

The Purge: What Would You Do?

So I had a chance to see The Purge last week. Without giving away too many spoilers (the trailer pretty much does that already), the movie takes places in a not-so-distant future 10 years from now. Both the unemployment and crime rates are down by record numbers. America, it appears, has never been more perfect. The catalyst for this seemingly utopian society is The Purge – an annual 12-hour period where all activities, including murder, are legal. This night is supposed to operate as a period of catharsis, allowing people to unleash all of their pent up anger and frustration; officially “purging” them of their desire to commit crime during the rest of the year.

I won’t give away too much more of the story. But I will say the movie – while having limitless potential on how good it could have been – was a bit of a failure for me. Revealing plotholes, cliched characters, a somewhat predictable ending, etc took away from an otherwise brilliant concept of a movie. I’ll let you watch the movie and decide for yourself what you think. The main point of this post is to present a “what if” scenario. What if  The Purge was real? What if the government sanctioned a period of time where no activities were off-limits? Could you see yourself committing an illegal activity? Robbery? Vandalism? Murder?

I was being a little tongue-in-cheek when I tweeted a list of my Purge “victims.” Now, before you call the cops on me, please know I was joking. Sheesh. Stop being so sensitive. But truth be told, the movie did do a good job of forcing me to think about what I would do if I was presented with a no-holds-barred situation like this. I’m quite confident I wouldn’t kill anybody. But I’m not sure I’d be the complete purist either. In the movie, some people opted not to participate and kept themselves locked up in their homes during the night. That might work for a while. But I suspect that over time, most of us would be seduced by the urge to participate in one way or another.

So, holler at me: do you think you’d do anything during The Purge? Relax folks. I’m pretty sure (not 100%, but close. Like, I dunno, 27% sure) that none of you responses will incriminate you. While it’s true that the feds are probably watching us right at this moment, it’s not like you’re actually doing it. No jury would convict you.

What say you?

– ACL