Things Lasting Longer than The Mooch

Farewell Mooch. We hardly knew ye.

After a super short stint, the Mooch is out. According to reports, 45 has ousted White House Communications director Anthony Scaramucci after he offered up a verbally scathing and profanity-laced assault on senior members of Trump’s cabinet. The move came only mere days after Reince Priebus was removed as Chief of Staff and a little more than a week after White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer bid us all bon voyage.

From start to finish, the Mooch probably had one of the shortest tenures in any administration. What’s worse for him, though? The fact that his time in the White House was so much shorter than a bunch of other common things that occur everyday. Here’s a list of 20 things that lasted longer than Scaramucci’s career in the White House:

1. The amount of time it takes me to match a pair of funky socks with an outfit (Hashtag, Sock Ministry President).

2. The time I had chicken pox as a kid.

3. The average life cycle on Game of Thrones.

4. The time it takes a character to power up on Dragonball Z.

5. The set up time for my CPAP machine.

6. The Pokemon Go craze.

7. The lifespan of a housefly (like, seriously.)

8. The time needed to organize a party of 8 at Olive Garden. Trust me. I know these things.

9. Morning service at my church.

10. Flossing.

11. The opening musical sequence in “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.”

12. The average number of days one of my blog posts stay in the “Draft” folder.

13. My former boss’ staff meetings.

14. Modem dialup connection speed with AOL CD’s.

15. The Hobbit Triology (OK wife. I’ll admit: it was quite bad).

16. My membership with Columbia House.

17. The time it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop.

18. Eddie Murphy’s music career.

19. My phone’s battery life.

20. Hulu’s trial period.

Later, Mooch. It was great watching your career unfold. Until, of course, my popcorn was done cooking.

–  ACL

Why Spy Microwaves Should Be the LEAST of Your Concerns

Spies are lurking all around your house.

In an interview this week, White House advisor and resident spin-master Kellyanne Conway claimed that microwaves, yep, these joints, can be used as surveillance tools; a remark that came off the heels of an alleged wiretapping of President Trump by President Obama. As expected, her remarks immediately captured the attention of the news media and the nation at large. The onslaught was fierce.

Since being eviscerated in the news and all over social media, Conway has since ‘clarified’ her remarks, by speaking generally about the nature of high-tech surveillance and not about specific accusations toward Obama. However, the intrepid host of this blog thinks you all have been a little rough on Lady KaC (what? We go back a ways. I’m entitled to give her a nickname). While the microwave example was a bit off, she’s got every right to be legitimately concerned about everyday household appliances and gadgets spying on us. Why? Because they are. Trust me: by the time I’m done, I promise that you won’t trust all the goings on in your home the same way again.

Here are a list of items that are absolutely, probably, definitely, maybe spying on us at this very moment:

The stove: Um, yeah. If an appliance has the ability to clean itself, it stands to reason it can also cover its tracks pretty well without you ever detecting its activity. You think that’s grime and food residue being cleaned? Negative. That doggone stove is cleaning out its cache.

The NutriNinja™: I mean, it’s right in the name. When it comes to promoting its own healthy agenda, not only does this whirling dervish of an appliance extract the hell out of some nutrients, but it’s stealthy as as outdoors. I swear that NutriNinja™ secretly added kale to my smoothie the other day. I mean, who would eat that mess otherwise? Sneaky little bastard.

Your KitchenAid™ Mixer: Not only does this mixer work a little too well,  it has also shown no compunction about getting political. Remember when The KitchenAid™ “jokingly” tweeted about the death of Obama’s grandmother? Bad taste, no doubt. But lost in the conversation was the fact that a mixer was tweeting in the first place. Think about that for a second. A machine, a mixer no less, was following the election and tweeting about it. If you think it was just some social media handler straight out of college writing that tweet, you’re wrong. That’s exactly what it wants you to think. But the truth is out there. It did the tweeting, NOT some low level company intern. So if a machine is out there trolling people on Twitter, then – comparatively speaking – spying on you is a piece of cake. Cake, ironically enough, probably made by your KitchenAid.

The refrigerator: Think about it. Contrary to popular belief, the light inside the fridge is not there to help you see when you’re grabbing a late-night snack. No, sir. That light is there to illuminate the subject and make them more visible on camera. Putting night vision technology next to the eggs would’ve been a little too obvious. Well played, CIA. Well played.

Blu-Ray players: How many of you knew that the “Blu” in Blu-Ray stood for “Biometric Listening Unit?” None of you. That’s who.

Netflix: Of all the diabolical spies in your house, Netflix is the worst. It disguises itself as a low-cost streaming media service with amazing movies and TV shows. But, in reality, it’s a privacy-invading, information-stealing monster. I mean, each time I finish watching a great movie or TV show, it suggests some other title I’d like based on the programming I’ve been watching. Somehow, it’s been correct every. single. time. Some might say that Netflix has some kind of predictive algorithm built in that can anticipate what shows/movies I might like. But there’s no way in hell it could’ve predicted how much I’d love Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt just because I watched House of Cards. They ain’t nowhere near related. The only way Netflix would’ve known that was by spying on me that one time I said to my wife “You know, that Kimmy show looks kinda good”, as we were watching Frank kill Zoe (oh yeah, spoiler alert).

There you have it. This is but a small sample of the things in your household spying on you. Don’t believe all you want. But if I were you, I’d watch what you say around your toaster. You never know who’s listening.

– ACL

Pics, or it never happened: The Case of Walter Scott

Without this video, the story is completely different.

“Pics, or it never happened.”

– Every person on social media ever

Right now, the internet is ablaze with the story of Walter Scott, the 50-year-old Coast Guard veteran recently gunned down by N. Charleston police office Michael Slager. Initially Slager’s story was in line with all the other fairy tales accounts told by police officers involved in shootings against unarmed black men: that he was attacked and had to use deadly force. Unfortunately for Officer Slager (and I use the term “officer” very loosely here), what he didn’t anticipate was a detailed recording of the incident by a passerby with a cell phone. In the video, it appears that not only was Scott running away from the officer, but that Slager planted the taser he said Scott took from him.

[Because of the violent nature of the video and the fact that I don’t want to be responsible for turning a man’s death into a spectacle, I won’t show the video here or even link to it. But you can find it all over the web.]

Since then, Slager has been charged with murder and has been summarily fired from the department. Even if he somehow gets acquitted (which honestly wouldn’t surprise me at this point), just facing charges is at least one small step in the right direction; especially in comparison to similar situations where the offending officer never even saw a courtroom. However, amidst the brief celebration of social justice realized up to this point, a burning question still remains: what if there wasn’t video evidence?

(1) I have no doubt that Slager’s story of Scott taking his taser would’ve been accepted at face value and would have provided more than enough justification to shoot Scott. “He grabbed my taser” was the line Slager immediately reached for because, well, that’s precisely what officers like him know to say in these kind of situations. After all, to justify your use of deadly force, you have to convince others that the assailant was a scary monster, driven only by a primordial urge to destroy stuff. Your life has to be endangered by a bad person who had to have been taken down.

(2) To that point, Walter Scott would be made into a villain by print, network, and social media. The narrative would’ve read something like this: “Man killed after attempting to assault officer.” His name would have been smeared through the mud. His record of service, ignored. His back child support payments would have become the object of his character assassination (“He was a deadbeat father with no regard for his children, much less figures of authority.”).

(3) Every story involving a villain must also include a hero. So to expound on the story of black criminal meeting his inevitable fate at the hands of the brave and intrepid hero, the media would work diligently to protect Slager’s squeaky clean image.  The imagery used to “introduce” us to Officer Slager would have included a Christmas photo with his family, a couple of pics with his adorable family pet, a picture of him at the finish line of a marathon, a photo of him shaking the mayor’s hand, and – of course – a stock photo of him in his uniform; proudly posing with the American flag behind him.

The quote I used above points out – in a rather tongue-in-cheek way – how cynicism rules our perceptions. People generally rule out stories that are absent of verifiable material – pictures, video, etc. So it stands to reason (plus based on similar incidents) that without video proof of this story, Slager would sitting pretty while the media would’ve had a field day in making Walter Scott’s character as assassinated as his body. And honestly, that’s a shameful truth. Had it not been for a random passerby who just so happened to have a cell phone with enough battery life to record the whole thing, that’s exactly what would have played out. Score one for random probability, I guess. Because, again: “pics, or it never happened.”

– ACL

Why I HATE beauty pageants

Warning: if you have small children, you might want them to leave the room now. This won’t be pretty.

My quick takeaway. While this wasn’t nearly as bad as the epic failure otherwise known as Miss Teen South Carolina, it was still pretty cringe worthy. But ultimately, this goes back to the argument I’ve made countless times before: questions like that shouldn’t be asked in the first place. It’s a flippin’ beauty contest. The contestants’ job is to stroll around in bikinis and evening gowns, not to answer questions that could stump even the most notable intellectuals (OK, I’m exaggerating. The questions aren’t THAT hard. *facepalm*). None of these folks will ever have access to the nuclear codes. They won’t be shaping public policy. The last beauty contestant to come that close (still shuddering at the thought) was Sarah Palin. God willing, none of these contestants follow in her footsteps.

And that, my dear friends, is my rant of the day.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

– ACL

Sometimes, It Takes A Village

Maybe I’m just in a foul mood, looking forward to the weekend. Or maybe, I’m growing increasingly incensed by the omnipresent “Political Correct Police.” Whatever the case, all I have to say at this point is: for real, Rhode Island?

The school system in Cranston, R.I., announced it is banning traditional father-daughter and mother-son activities, saying they are a violation of the state’s gender discrimination law, the Providence Journal reported late Monday.

Superintendent Judith Lundsten told the newspaper the decision was in response to a complaint from the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of a single mother who said her daughter was not able to attend a father-daughter dance.

“This is 2012 and they [public schools] should not be in the business of fostering blatant gender stereotypes,” Steven Brown of the Rhode Island ACLU told WPRO News.

According to the Providence Journal, Lundsten said that while federal law banning gender discrimination gives an exemption for such gender-specific events, Rhode Island law does not.

A few things immediately came to mind here:

(1)  A lady goes to bed with a loser and now the kid has a deadbeat dad. So everybody has to suffer the consequences? Is that how it works?

(2) I’ve never been to a father-daughter dance, not having any children myself (and, um, obviously not being a daughter. C’mon. I’m trying to use some comedy relief here. I need this.). But I know at least one female friend who has been to one of these functions with her dad. The whole point of the dance is for the father to socially introduce his daughter as a young lady. These kind of dances are about as sacred as the father giving away his daughter during her wedding. I totally understand why parents are outraged. I’d be mad, too.

(3) This lady couldn’t find one positive male role model to be her daughter’s date? A brother? A friend? A neighbor? A teacher? Not a single person? Seriously? For the sake of example, consider my ex (relax, I’m not bashing her here. I’m using this example because I was directly involved in the situation). Her son’s biological dad had zero interest in him. As a substitute, she relied on her father, her brothers, one of her close male friends, and – before our breakup – me as support systems for her son. We all stepped up at one point or another. Men don’t have to be tied to a child through biology to be considered a father-like figure. Isn’t that the message we convey every Father’s Day? By our logic, there is a significant difference between a “baby daddy” and a person willing to step up and be a real father (or father figure). How is this any different?

(4) I do feel bad for the young girl. Not only does she have to deal with the hardship of not having a father, but she now also has to carry the cross for her mother at school. Imagine that your mother single-handedly ruined an event the entire school was looking forward to. How do you live that one down?

(5) Gender discrimination? Really? If a girl at this school preferred, I dunno, to play ball over going to the dance, then let her play ball. She doesn’t have to go to the dance. Plain and simple. If you don’t want to say “One nation, under God”, don’t say it. Even if public prayer is not allowed in schools, pray silently (which is what you should be doing anyway). If you don’t want to celebrate religious holidays, don’t celebrate them. My point is simple: we all have freedom in whether or not we choose to participate in certain events without reprisal. Unless we get to a point where institutions are forcing activities on you, please lighten up. This political correctness nonsense is going much too far. As one of my old teachers used to say “having too open of a mind makes your brains fall out.”

OK, I’m done with my rant. I’m sorry I didn’t intellectualize this better. But I tend to get this way when I’m in a pissy mood.

Anyway, what say you? Do you think this school did the right thing by banning the father-daughter dance, or is this another head-shaking moment of political correctness gone awry? Is this an example of gender discrimination or just a few uptight people with nothing better to do with their lives than to make everybody else’s miserable? (OK, my bias is clearly showing here. Sue me. Better yet, please don’t.).

– ACL