Coping with it All

Anger.

Sadness.

Hopelessness.

Fear.

You can pick any one of these feelings to aptly describe just about every black person living in today’s America. On a Facebook timeline generally full of wonderful posts about vacations, happy families, children’s successes, and the occasional pic of disgusting foods (sorry, y’all. But it’s true), I’ve been seeing nothing but sullen, angry, and fearful posts. And for good reason. The nation has been rocked time and time again with stories of civilians – black, white, women, men – getting gunned down by police. But things really came to boiling point this week when back-to-back police shootings took the lives of two black men. Another black man was found hung in Georgia. Things culminated (at least, one can hope) with a mass shooting in Dallas, taking the lives of several police officers and injuring several others. I’m composing this piece on the heels of all of that bloodshed.

Naturally, people are up in arms. We’re angry. We’re sad. We feel hopeless. We feel fearful.

I won’t presume to tell anybody how they should be feeling right now. I wouldn’t want to be preached to about how I should be feeling, so I won’t dare do that to anyone else. It’s also not my intention to be paternalistic or passive about the severity of the times. I will, however, use my voice to do whatever I can to encourage others (and myself in the meantime) during this difficult period. That said, I have a few suggestions on how to cope with the stress and sorrow you may be feeling right now.

(1) Get away from social media. Make no mistake. For all of its faults, social media has been a key informational tool. Facts not fully or correctly reported by mainstream media have been introduced on social media. Twitter and Reddit have been far more useful than CNN and Fox News. So there’s no denying its impact. However, social media has also exacerbated a lot of the social conflicts we’re dealing with. “Keyboard warriors” (people who talk smack from behind the safety and anonymity of their computers) are lurking around every corner, seemingly waiting for the next story to surface so they can antagonize folk. While they definitely provide a truer snapshot of America, they also fan the flames. My advice is: don’t get baited in, even if your intentions are to enlighten. One thing I’ve learned during my many pointless 140-character battles on Twitter is that you will not…you CAN NOT…win, even if you actually do win. Take a break from it all. Trying to educate people about white privilege, micro-aggressions like #AllLivesMatter, and police brutality represents the ultimate bout with futility. If you’re dealing with heartache, that last thing you need to worry about is your head aching too.

(2) Don’t watch the videos. In fact, if you feel tempted to do so, unplug your mouse. If that doesn’t work, turn off and unplug your TV and/or smartphone. Disconnecting yourself from the visuals doesn’t make you any less of a concerned, caring human being. It also doesn’t mean that you’re somehow ignoring the situation. It simply means that you realize one of the best temporary fixes to emotional trauma is by removing yourself from one of the viewable conduits of said trauma. Watching these videos may provide context for your anger and even give you a better sense of what happened, but it also feeds into a sort of twisted electronic voyeurism. Which leads me to my next suggestion…

(3) Shut your computer completely down and walk away. Do something healthy and productive with your time, be it mental or physical. One of the things we note about kids these days is how wired they are into electronics without being in-tune with the outside world. Whether we want to admit it or not, we adults are the same way. We think that just because we put in long work days and pay bills that we don’t engage in some of the same behavior for which we chide our young people. We’re just as plugged in to our computers, tablets, and phones as they are. Read a book. Go outside. Visit a park. Talk a walk. Enjoy nature. It’s free, therapeutic, and doesn’t discriminate based on race, gender, sexual identity, or economic status. But do it, well, after you get your fix on my blog.

(4) Let it out. Pent up anger, sorrow, and aggression is the worst. Release it. Let out a good yell, a good cry. Anything to release some of that tension. I admit, this one is a bit harder for me. I absolutely hate crying in public for others to see. But I’m also human, so I will invariably get emotional from time to time. But it’s important – critical, even – to find an outlet for release. When I first heard all the news, I admittedly engaged in all the activities I’m now telling you not to do. True to form, all it did was make me more upset, not helping my cause at all. But what I hadn’t done yet was to let my emotions go. Unable to keep myself composed anymore, and right before I composed this piece, I sat in my home office and cried. I thought about my brother. What if he was shot and killed in front of his wife and son like Philando Castille? I thought about my dad and my father-in-law. What if they were pinned down and shot point blank like Alton Sterling? I thought about my wife. What if she was apprehended and victimized like Sandra Bland?  I thought about my son and daughter. What if one of them was shot dead like Tamir Rice? I thought about the endless acquittals and the parenthetic messages society sends indicating that black lives are worthless enough to be taken by police with no punishment. So, yes, I cried. But you know what? I’m not ashamed of that.

(5) Laugh. I’m a huge fan of Pete Davidson. For the benefit of you who have never heard of him, Pete Davidson is a current cast member of Saturday Night Live. More notably about him though, is that his father (a firefighter for the New York fire department) died on 9/11. What makes Pete cool to me was that he took an otherwise horrific situation and found humor in it. It was a sort of catharsis that many people didn’t appreciate, were offended by, but was still evidently effective for him. Now, I’m not the kind of person to find anything comical about black people being killed by police. But that doesn’t mean I can’t laugh at something. Anything. Maybe a Crash Cut video. Maybe re-watching the first season of the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Maybe watching Sinbad’s “Afros and Bellbottoms” stand-up special. Whatever the outlet, the vastly-held sentiment is true: laughter really is the best medicine.

(6) Spirituality. Religion (or spirituality. Whatever floats your boat) not only offers up guidelines on how live a good and decent life, but it can also be a source of strength when you need it. Some studies have even suggested that religious people are generally happier. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to attend a certain church (or any church at all), subscribe to a certain kind of religion, or engage in certain practices. Any belief system that emphasizes ideals like peace, forgiveness, and optimism can’t be bad.

(7) Connect with other people. I sincerely believe the people in your life – friends and family – are the ties that bond. It goes without saying how important it is connect (and stay connected) with them. But remember that it’s also OK to feel connected to the victims. This is perhaps the most important thing we can do as shared citizens of this planet. Staying connected to each other helps to keep our humanity intact and theirs. But it also prevents us from being numb to other people’s suffering. It’s the same collective feeling we all had during 9/11, the Sandy Hook shooting, the Orlando nightclub massacre, and any number of national and international tragedies. No matter what happens, never lose sight of the fact that we’re all people.

To be sure, none of this will stop the madness of the world from carrying on. There will be more police killings. There will be more mass shootings. There will be more wars. There will be more horrific assaults on one another. There will be more innocent blood spilled. As long as certain people draw breath, a certain level of fear, hatred, bigotry, and evil will reside in them. And you can bet on somebody – somewhere – at sometime creating more chaos and hysteria. But that doesn’t mean we have to succumb to the inevitability of it all. I’m not saying coping with be easy. But it will be helpful.

– ACL

Defending Chris Darden 20 Years Later

Even though it’s been over 20 years now since the infamous OJ Simpson trial, the memories are still quite fresh with me. The verdict especially lingers with me, standing out as one of those “Where were you?” moments. I expressly remember being a young, high school junior witnessing the verdict on a TV cart wheeled in to the same class where we spent many months before discussing the case. I remember the images showing the various reactions of white and black viewers, and remembering how those expressions were similarly reflected in my class. I remember thinking this case represented a turning point (good or bad) for the country. But I also remember discussing how the case was won by one side and lost by the other. Almost unanimously, people agreed that one of the pivotal moments of the trial was when the blood-stained gloves used during the murders didn’t fit OJ’s hand. The trial was defined by the singular Cochran line “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

Since it was the idea of prosecutor Chris Darden for Simpson to try on the gloves in the first place, he was naturally blamed for the outcome. But after re-examining the case from adult eyes, I have a much different take on – and appreciation of – Mr. Darden’s role in this trial. In the humble opinion of your intrepid host, none of this should have ever fallen on Darden. If anything, I think Darden was an unsung hero in this case. As he was unfairly being portrayed as a “uncle tom” or a bumbling lawyer, I think he was ultimately the main one looking for justice for two victims. While everyone else was looking to cash in on “The Trial of the Century”, I think Darden’s best intentions were pretty noble and unblemished by the magnitude of the case.

ESPN Classic used to air a show called “The Top Five Reasons You Can’t Blame…“, a series focusing on a player or organization widely blamed for a notable sports failure. But I’d like to go in a different direction and apply that to the OJ Simpson Murder Trial. So this post is written to prove to you that Chris Darden was not at fault for the outcome of the trial. Before I get to the top 5 reasons why you can’t blame Chris Darden, let’s examine a few reasons that didn’t make the cut. Here are, what TFRYCB would refer to as, “The Best of the Rest”:

The jury: Darden astutely pointed out that the jury’s deliberation would be ignited by passion. He was right. Once the trial started, objectivity was thrown out the window. One juror, for instance, stripped away any sympathy for Nicole Simpson because she believed Nicole put herself in her predicament by not leaving OJ in the first place. Another juror gave OJ a Black Panther salute as he exited the courtroom, apparently in a show of black solidarity. If you think the jury was impartial, you missed the entire trial.

OJ Simpson: Simpson exuded charisma and charm both as a football player and as a celebrity beyond his football years. Being a public figure and a well-established actor at the time, he knew how to turn it up or down to suit the situation. The courtroom camera and media coverage amplified that to a much larger audience. He knew the perfect time to flash his infectious smile or to garner our sympathy with his sad and stoic look. OJ was, dare I say, brilliant. And people ate it up.

And now, for the top five reasons you can’t blame Chris Darden for the OJ acquittal:

(5) Johnnie Cochran: Let’s face facts. Johnnie Cochran was good. Scratch that. The man was legendary. He possessed a legal mastery that was on full display before the entire world. With his spell-binding alliteration, his preacher-esque delivery, and a team of brilliant legal minds at his disposal, Cochran made this trial less about OJ and more of an indictment of an historically oppressive and disparate judicial system. Cochran could have squared off against Jesus Christ Himself and won the case.

(4) Fred Goldman: I’ll admit: this one is a little hard to critique, and I hate to include him in this list. Mr. Goldman was a grieving parent who deserved (and still deserves) our sympathy. But in his zeal to keep OJ from getting off by being a black man “victimized by the system”, he scoffed at the racial aspect of this case presented by Mr. Cochran. People noticed and despised Goldman for it. I remember his response to Cochran comparing Detective Fuhrman to Hitler was to accuse Cochran of “playing the race card.” When black people see a black person on trial for his life with white people out to get him, accusing them of playing the race card will fail, even if that person actually was playing the race card. It will fail. Every. Single. Time. In the blink of an eye, that rant turned Goldman from a sympathetic victim of violence into an agitator completely dismissive of the reality of systemic racism for millions of people.

(3) Marcia Clark: Regardless of what Chris may or may not have done correctly during the trial, the inescapable fact was that this was Clark’s case to win or lose. She determined the witnesses to call. It was her job to connect with the jurors. It was her job to predict any and all hurdles that could have came up over the course of the trial. It was her job to control the optics (I’m no legal scholar, but even I know that trials are less about right and wrong and more about delivery). It was her job to properly vet Mark Fuhrman if she planned to use him as a witness (ironically, Darden opposed putting Fuhrman on the stand. But Clark – thinking Fuhrman was the key to introducing the gloves as evidence – overruled him). Even her decision to add Darden to the case appeared to have been racially-motivated by many. I honestly think she was just showing confidence in his ability. But to the people who mattered most (in the case, the jury) it looked like a calculated racial play by Clark. She failed to forsee that or to deal with it once it came up.

Have I convinced you yet? If not, keep reading.

(2) Mark Fuhrman: Captain Obvious on this one, people. If Fuhrman is not put on the stand or associated with this case in any way, OJ is found guilty. No doubt about it. Again, I understanding the reasoning behind Clark’s decision to put Fuhrman on the stand. But anybody with even a modicum of courtroom insight knows that the minute a person is put on the stand, that person’s credibility is immediately up for dissection. The person testifying has to be virtually unimpeachable. Fuhrman wasn’t. Instead, he was a Nazi-paraphernalia collecting, unabashed racist who was recorded talking about beating up suspects (referring to them with the n-word) and planting evidence (Is it a shock that he’s now a Fox News contributor? But I digress). THIS, ladies and gentlemen, was the man central to the prosecution’s case. His coming up with the lamest of all reasons for saying those things on tape and then subsequently pleading the fifth on questions pertaining to him planting evidence pretty much closed the door on the trial. Need I remind you, this was Marcia Clark’s witness.

And the number one reason…

Rodney King: The OJ Simpson verdict was payback for the acquittals of the officers involved in the Rodney King beating. This, from the mouth of one of the jurors. The prosecution could have put on the best trial of their careers and they still would have lost. The City of Los Angeles was still reeling from Rodney King along with an assortment of other racially-charged events. In each instance, the people attacking and/or killing the black victims received little, if any, punishment. It was only a matter of time before the powder keg exploded. It just happened to explode around the same time that OJ murdered two people of the OJ trial.

There you have it. Have I changed your mind? What say you?

– ACL

The Orlando Shooting: Humanity in a Mass Killer?

I know, right? At the outset, that title appears to represent the ultimate in contradictory statements.

This weekend, the country was rocked by the news that a lone gunman killed over 50 people and injured another 50 plus after he opened fire in an Orlando nightclub. Whether it was solely religiously motivated (he was reportedly pledging allegiance to ISIS moments before he started his rampage) or a combination of his radical beliefs and homophobia (the scene of the shooting was a gay nightclub) is unclear. It’s all speculative at best, although certain reality show whores turned presidential candidates have already hedged their bets on what’s happened. All we know for sure is that dozens of innocent lives have once again been senselessly snatched. And, of course, no mass shooting incident would be be complete without the legal/illegal access to guns debate (in this situation, the shooter legally obtained his weapons). Outside of the fact that the body count makes this the worst single-day mass shooting in U.S. history and that it was likely a hate crime directed at the LGBT community, nothing much makes this particular story stand out from any other mass shootings. Except…

…according to at least one eye witness, the gunman inexplicably harbored a certain level of sympathy toward black people during the shooting. When asked to identify their race, black hostages were reportedly spared. From that witness’ account, the shooter indicated that he “had no issues with the blacks”, allowing them to live. Meanwhile, other outlets are reporting the opposite, instead pointing out that he held an equal disdain for multiple groups including blacks along with women, homosexuals, Jewish people, etc. At this point, I’m not sure who to believe. Was the shooter an across-the-board bigot as some are suggesting, or did he have sympathy toward black people, even in the midst of mowing down so many other victims? If the latter is true, what does it say about our culture when a mass murdering nutcase was willing to spare the lives of black people when our own law enforcement agents have failed to do so time and time again? Do black lives matter more to a murderous loon in a gay nightclub than to the people paid to uphold the “protect and serve” oath?

I hate to even racialize a tragedy like this, especially with this story being so fresh on our minds. And my thoughts and prayers certainly go out to all the victims of this horrible tragedy, along with the victims of countless other tragedies like this. But at the same time (again, assuming that it’s even true), it hasn’t rested well with me that the humanity of black people was appreciated by a sick guy implementing violent ISIS-inspired attacks in the same day in age where cops are killing off black bodies for everything from talking back to them to selling cigarettes.

– ACL

 

Republicans and the Black Voter

The other day, out of boredom, I re-watched “Beyond the Glory”, a documentary about Iron Mike Tyson. From that documentary, there were all sorts of storylines surrounding Mike’s life that were intriguing. From his rough childhood, to the rise to the top of the boxing world, to his fall from grace, to his domestic issues, religious conversions, rape charges, ear-biting, etc, the man was a walking headline. But perhaps the most intriguing aspect of his life was the exquisite tragedy of his trust-less existence. More so in his younger years but certainly in his years later as well, Tyson was never in a situation where he trusted people enough to let them check him. While there were obviously unscrupulous people around him looking to take advantage of him at every opportunity, he later admitted there were just as many people who legitimately wanted what was best for him. Because there was so much money involved, it seems especially tragic, but on a less-noticeable scale, the same thing happens on a daily basis. Hourly, even. People are constantly making decisions without the benefit of knowing who they can really trust.

When this same scenario plays out for most of us, essentially two challenges emerge: 1) the person providing insight to others has to be close enough to those people to actually make an impact, and 2) the folks receiving the insight have to be willing to accept it and apply it to their lives. I’ve already spoken about personal responsibility ad nauseum, so I won’t focus on that part. Instead, I’ll turn my attention to the first half of the aforementioned model: the folks providing the insight. After all, before you can get a person to focus their effort on self-improvement (be it long term or short term), your first assignment is to get close enough to that person to let them know you actually care about them.

Examining that concept and applying it to – Heaven help me – the political environment, I think this is why conservatives consistently fall on their face with black folks. That’s the precise reason why I had a “SMH” moment last year when ESPN screaming talking head Stephen A. Smith suggested that black people should start supporting Republicans. If he and others like him sincerely believe the principles of Republicanism are for them, all power to them. You won’t ever hear me knock their hustle. But when it comes to addressing Black folks as a whole and their political allegiances, that kind of rationale hits a brick wall. It’s one thing to be right (or “right wing”, as the case may be), but if Republicans are truly interested in bringing more black folks to their side, their approach must improve, even if their specific actions don’t. If you think about it, the key advantage Democrats have in securing black support is not that they actually do anything for Black folks. Their advantage is that black folks think Democrats at least care. I mean, how often have you heard the talking point of how Democrat-controlled cities (including my hometown of Flint) are in the dumps? And it’s true. There’s no denying that fact. But that phenomenon also proves that garnering support is not actually about improving the conditions of a collection of people. No sir. It’s about the perception that you care. I think most conservatives – even the ones with good intentions – tend to overlook that very important concept, to their party’s detriment. Consequently black people have almost collectively painted the entire Republican party with the same broad stroke, which creates a voting nightmare with that bloc. Even if large segments of the black community agree with key aspects of the Republican platform (gay marriage immediately comes to mind. But other socially conservative issues are also in that number), that support generally falls short at the polls.

Frankly, I believe this concept also applies to other social minorities (other ethnic minorities, poor, working class folks, etc.). But this piece specifically speaks to the black electorate.

If I was a Republican strategist (I’m available for hire, GOP. I’m willing to separate my work from my left-leaning values if the price is right), I’d push HARD for a more stylized message addressed to the black community. I’d have them shape their message to suggest inclusion, acceptance, and a genuine appreciation of the plight of black folk. But if instead, you opt to spend your time vilifying us, ignoring our concerns, pointing fingers of blame, suppressing our vote, and viciously disrespecting a guy who has become one of our symbols of hope, it stands to reason that we gon’ keep pulling the lever for the other side.

Some people will argue that “if you’re right, be boldly right” and try to back that up with sound policy as they believe it (much like the “sin is sin” crowd). They’ll argue that you shouldn’t have to pacify our views or water things down just to accommodate us. And that may be true. But realistically, if people don’t trust you and they feel demeaned and attacked by you, they’re likely going to tune out anything you have to say, regardless to how sensible you may think it is. Common sense, people. Common sense. Some Republicans can live with that, especially if their constituents aren’t made up of black voters. But for the rest of the party interested in securing more black support, there is still TONS of work left to be done. It starts with putting your arms around black people instead of pushing them away.

Ironically (but at no surprise to your intrepid host), Tyson is a Trump supporter, citing Trump’s exploitation support for him as his biggest reason. Republicans should take heed.

Embrace the person first. Then work on their self-improvement.

The “one-two” combo. Very Tyson-esque.

– ACL

If I was the GM of the Black Delegation

Ohhhh yeah! I forgot I still have a blog. For a minute there, I thought WordPress went through a systematic cleansing and purged itself of long-forgotten pages. But by some miracle, this joint is still around. So I guess that means I can still write to it. But don’t celebrate just yet: I really can’t promise that I’ll keep this thing going for much longer.

Anyway, for today’s installment I decided to do a little role-playing. I have Dave Chappelle to thank for this one. A few years ago, he wrote a brilliant sketch on his equally brilliant Chappelle Show called “Racial Draft”. In it, members from several racial groups acted as the “delegate” from that group, picking and choosing racially-ambiguous people that group wanted to draft as their own. In a word, this skit was legendary. In case you somehow haven’t seen it, which at this point in human history is impossible, here it is in all of its glory. Enjoy:

Inspired by this clip, the intrepid host of this blog thought to himself “Who would he draft or trade if he were ever the general manager of the black race?” Well, I’m glad you asked Mr. Imaginary Person.

First off, let me say that it was hard to narrow down the list. There were so many people to consider. Tavis Smiley, Jesse Lee Patterson, Larry Elder, Jaden and Willow Smith, that one black dude defending Dylann Roof, Crefalo Dollar, Emergency Manager Darnell Earley, Eddie Long, proponents of the confederate flag. The list is too exhaustive. So in the interest of time, here’s my top five list of black folk who would be immediately kicked off the team and traded for more deserving people.

(1) Dr. Ben Carson: Starting things off would be the trading of Dr. Ben Carson. Dr. Carson is an American tragedy in its truest form. He started off as a brilliant neurosurgeon fighting his way through a once racist and exclusionary institution like medicine to become a true pioneer in his field. But today? The man is completely off his rocker. Don’t get me wrong: black people are entitled to support the conservative cause all they want. Black people do not have to subscribe to the tenants of the democratic party if they don’t want to. And they should be able to subscribe to Republicanism without scathing criticism. But there’s something unsettling about most black Republicans. They tend to act paternalistic and loathsome towards the rest of their race; shunning anybody who doesn’t roll with their agenda. On top of that, he’s said some pretty ridiculous things. From suggesting that gun control kept unarmed Jews from defending themselves during the Holocaust to calling Obamacare the worst thing to happen to America since slavery, the man proves with every utterance that being educated is not the same thing as being smart.

Whom I’d trade for: Bernie Sanders. While it’s true that black folks – by and large – haven’t quite felt the Bern yet, give it time. If you recall another relatively unknown senator went up against the Clinton political machine…and won.

(2) Kayne West: Speaking of black men who have lost their ever-loving minds, Kanye West is now officially that dude who flew over the cuckoo’s nest. He’s gone from producing one of my favorite records of all time to becoming a Kardashian. Bruh, one Kardishian lover was on life support after being found unconscious in a brothel. Another one decided that after being with a Kardashian, it was time for him to give up on his gender entirely. Take the hint.

I miss the Kanye who was telling the world how much George Bush hates black people.

Whom I’d trade for: Sam Smith.  Not only does he sing a song as soulful as any brotha, he actually won a BET award. I’d welcome Sam to the ‘hood with open arms.

(3) Raven-Symone’: Full disclosure here. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been known to agree with a lot of what Raven  “I’m every-continent” Symone’ has had to say (I guess that means you people would be justified in calling me the Matt Millen of the racial draft. That’s a Detroit Lions’ reference for the uninitiated. A very unfortunate Lions’ reference). For instance, she took flack for making the same arguments I’ve made about the way we name our children. In fact, studies actually support the claim that biases are created based on names; among other things. So her being vocal is not my issue. My issue is her being vocal and harshly critical in front of a national audience. Airing our dirty laundry so openly substantiates the bigoted and narrow-minded thinking of other folks looking for a black face (or blackface, as the case may be) to justify their contemptuous thinking. What happens with the team stays in the locker room, Raven.

Whom I’d trade for: Rachel Dolezal. It’s pretty clear that she’d give anything to be black. She loves us just as we are and wouldn’t think twice about hiring a person named Bon’Quesha. All power to her. Just by sheer virtue of her body of work in social justice, she’d be a clear pick for my team. I’d probably even make her the franchise player.

(4) The Stump for Trump women: As GM, I couldn’t get rid of these bamas quick enough. Not only do they personify every single sassy, neck-twisting, finger-waving, loud-mouth stereotype about black women, they’re doing so to benefit a guy who clearly doesn’t have their interest at heart. Unless, of course, black people’s interests include getting rid of Mexicans and Muslims. But we all know that’s silly. America’s contempt with Mexicans and Muslims, if played correctly, could take the heat off black people. Light weights.

Oh, and even though Donald Trump is not on our team, I’d draft a contract ensuring that he could never be traded in one of these racial drafts. He’s toxic, divisive, and borderline crazy. Basically, he’s the Terrell Owens of politics.

Whom I’d trade for: George Lucas. Dude is worth a fortune, is married to a sista, and gave us Star Wars. Enough said.

(5) Stacey Dash: Stacey Dash has become the new black darling of the Republican party. She’s railed against Obama about as often as most people have coffee in the morning. She’s railed against the Black Lives Matter movement. She’s even called for the elimination of Black History Month, BET, and the NAACP (her numerous appearances on BET programming and music videos, her NAACP image award hosting, and modeling for black-targeted magazines notwithstanding, of course.)

Whom I’d trade for: OK, I’m lying. She’s too fine to release. You don’t trash a Benz just because the engine is loud and doesn’t work. First you try to fix the engine. If that doesn’t work, you learn to tune out that noise, chalk it up as a loss, and hoard the gorgeous, yet non-functioning machine. Granted, you’d probably have to lock it away in the deepest, darkest, corner of your garage. But you can still admire it from time to time because of its flawlessness. Even if it doesn’t run, it’s still a freakin’ Benz! Oh, what the hell? I’d make her a cheerleader on the squad…provided that she doesn’t…you know…talk. Like, ever.

– ACL