blackman-phone

Need something to keep yourself occupied during this COVID lockdown? The lastest saga of “Insert Verb-ing While Black” getting you down? Entertain yourself by calling the police on white people. From my latest book “Authoring While Black: Assorted Musings from a Black Gen Exer“:


Being a Black person in America is rough. More than any other group, we face all kinds of stressors that could kill us at a moment’s notice like, I dunno, hypertension or Mitch McConnell. Our fear of the police is one of the chief stressors in our lives. But rather than allowing ourselves to fall victim to that fear, I think it’s empowering for us to take that fear and turn it on its head. Getting a Netflix subscription might also help. But if you don’t have a friend who’s willing to share their password and you’re not willing to shell out $10-12 bucks of your hard-earned money each month, I have a solution entirely free to you, which can be just as therapeutic: calling the cops on White people. You haven’t lived until you’ve called the cops on a White person. After doing it a few times myself, I think I finally understand the fascination with it. It’s quite a thrill.

The following transcript is taken from part of a 911 call I may or may not have placed last year:

[Ring]

911 Dispatcher: Hello. 911.

Me: Yes, hello. I was calling to request police assistance.

Dispatcher: OK. And what is the nature of your request?

Me: Well, there’s a menacing looking lady walking around in my neighborhood.

Dispatcher: What exactly is she doing, sir?

Me: Well, nothing right now. But I just have a feeling she’s up to no good. I’m not trying to cause any problems. I just don’t have a good feeling about her.

Dispatcher: Can you describe her to me?

Me: Yes. She’s a White, I mean, uh, Europ.., I mean, Caucasian-American female. Of color. She’s wearing some kind of a tunic, leggings and Uggs. Oh my God! She’s singing Nick Jonas songs. Nick Jonas! Wait. Is she drinking a Caramel Cloud Macchiato?!

Dispatcher: Have there been any other incidents in your neighborhood involving this person?

Me: Not with her, per se. But I’ve seen a few other people like her. I know this sounds racist, but I’m not that person. I love White people.

Dispatcher: Sir, it’s OK. Nobody’s calling you a rac…

Me (sobbing): See! You think I’m a racist! I’m not! I voted for Bush! [author’s note: I never actually voted for Bush. But, like White people who lie about supporting Obama’s to justify their racist antics, I decided to give it a whirl].

Dispatcher: Sir, I’m going to need you to calm down, please.

Me: Oh my God! She’s got a Kate Spade tote bag, and she just took something out of it. It looks like sushi and a yoga mat! I need somebody here now.

Dispatcher: Sir, there’s nothing illegal about being healthy.

Me: But, that’s how it starts. First, they come in with their toy dogs and iPhone watches. And then before you know it, our block will be overrun by Whole Foods, coffeehouses and boutiques decorated with damask and signs with curly letters. It happened in my cousin’s neighborhood just last year.

Dispatcher: I’m sorry, sir. But what do you expect us to do?

Me: I don’t know. Can’t you just send an officer down here to…oh my God! Now she’s asking people where she can find Kombucha. What the hell is Kombucha? That sounds like some kind of illegal drug to me. That’s it. I’m going to approach her.

Dispatcher: Sir, for your safety do not approach her. Do you understand?

Me: I’m sorry. I have to. This has gone too far!

Dispatcher: Sir? Siiiir?

[Distant and muffled sound over the phone]

Me (to the unknown assailant): Ma’am, do you belong here? I need you to produce some kind of identification.

Dispatcher: Sir, I need you to walk away and let the police handle this.

Me: Did you hear that? This lady is refusing to show me her identification. And now she’s pulling out her phone to record me. This is harassment. [crying, while yelling at woman] Stop harassing me!

This went on for another 38 minutes. Because Flint barely has enough police officers to form an intramural basketball team. 

Besides that, White ladies just aren’t a police priority, it seems.