My Quick Guide to Game of Thrones

Viewing audiences worldwide have been eagerly anticipating the start of the new season of Game of Thrones. So many complex storylines, intriguing characters, and killings of said intriguing characters have come full circle for this defining moment in television history. The final two seasons of the show are promising to epic. If the first six seasons serve as any indication, I believe they will be. If you aren’t on the GoT bandwagon, one, what the hell planet are you on? But, two, you still have time to jump on board. If you decide that you might want to give it a shot, let this post serve as a quick guide (not to outdo the brilliant Black People’s Guide to Game of Thrones by the Root). I’ll discuss what the show involves (obviously without spoilers), what makes it so cool, and what you should expect. By the time you finish this, I’ll have you on board faster than you can say “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

Ill start by assuring you thst show is a must-see and is absolutely worthy of the time it would take you to watch it all. In fact, I’d probably rank it as one of the greatest shows of all time. Easily in my Top 5. The Wire, GoT, Breaking Bad, The Twilight Zone, The Sopranos. That order.

The show is basically about several families vying to be top dog by claiming the Iron Throne. Questions of lineage, birthright, and meritocracy all play a role in determining who should or should not rule the GoT world. The show, based on the wildly popular book series written by sadist George RR Martin, looks at the rises, falls, and reemergence of kingdoms and the paths they took/will take to accomplish their ultimate goals. It’s almost, dare I say, American.

If I’ve captured your interest and you’re ready to dive in, here’s what you should know:

(1) It’s critical that you start from the beginning. Some shows are created in a way where individual episodes can be independent of one another. GoT provides no such liberty. If your first experience with GoT is the beginning of Season 7, you won’t have a clue what’s going on and it will be quite overwhelming. The sight of snow zombies, dragons, kids who can possess the mind of animals while traveling though time, and child assassins who can switch faces is a lot for anybody to take in all at once. Never mind trying to understand lineages, “houses”, and individual characters and their attributes. Go back to the beginning to absorb everything…and give the show your undivided attention. Even I, a fan from the start, had to go back and re-watch the series to pick up on things I missed before.

(2) Don’t get attached to too many characters. Chances are high they won’t be around very long. GoT is known for its prolific and unpredictable violence and for killing off popular characters. My God, one of my favorite people in the entire GoT universe was a goner by the end of the first season. Some of my favorite characters have been able to stick around (one of whom was actually killed at one point…long story, and I won’t provide details. Because, spoilers). But GoT’s penchant for killing is well-known. In fact, a leaked script from Season 7 originally had me listed as one of the characters killed.

(3) To that point, GoT will also take out women and children (even innocent ones) with absolutely no compunction. Not only that, they’ll do so in some of the worst ways imaginable. For all the nobility and sophistication you’ll find in a show that features royalty, you’ll also find savagery far worse than you’ll ever find in any MMA cage. But fear not: GoT also remembers people who do bad things and won’t let them off the hook. Even though you’ll be mostly crying during the series, you’ll have some extremely satisfying moments to offset that.

(4) For the most part, characters aren’t “good” or “bad.” They just are. If there was one major accomplishment of this show, it’s that characters are so complicated that it’s virtually impossible to describe any of them using a good/bad dichotomy. Starks – the ‘good guys’ – do morally and politically questionable things. Lannisters – the ‘bad guys’ – express humanism and have redeeming qualities. Even somebody like the Hound who can kill innocent children can be a very likeable character. Don’t get me wrong: you’ll find some hopelessly evil characters in the series. But most are ambiguous, at best.

(5) The level of modern-day commentary is quite spot-on. No GoT storyline is as evident of that as The Wall, a thousand foot ice wall designed to keep others out, even if those others could be useful allies. Sound familiar?

(6) I will say that while GoT doesn’t turn a blind eye to diversity, it’s doesn’t exactly celebrate it. This is probably the one area of conflict for me. Outside of some very minor individual characters of color, groups of colored folks appear as either savages or slaves. I’m actually not trippin’ about that enough to make me stop watching the show. But the part of me always looking for equal racial representation in shows looks at that component of the show with a hint of criticism.

(7) Finally, the show is smart. Scratch that. The show is intellectual. From the wry humor to the sophisticated dialogue to the intricate plots and storylines, this show will force you to pay attention. Your IQ is guaranteed to jump 5 points once you’re caught up. But please don’t be scared off by any of that. The Internet is full of recaps, summaries, and explanations. Hell, YouTube comments are as educational as any textbook could ever be.

If you’re not a Thrones person yet, I dare you to watch the first few episodes of season one and see if you’re hooked yet.  I can almost wager money that by the first few episodes, you’ll officially declare yourself a member of #TeamHouse____. Before long, you’ll become so much of an expert that you’ll know to run for the hills when they play “Rains of Castamere” at somebody’s wedding.

I swear this by the old gods and the new.

-ACL

Great Moments in the Life of a Black Man in America

Admittedly, it’s rough being a black man in America these days. Incarceration continues to skyrocket. Unemployment figures are still quite unfavorable for us as a demographic. Death by cop, as tragic as it continues to be, is still somehow increasingly fashionable. You know, like skinny jeans. These days, seemingly everything is stacked against us. Being a black woman is worse, I can assume. But since I’m not one of those, I defer that story to them to tell, promising to be an ally where I can…but to ultimately shut up and let those womenfolk speak for themselves.

The purpose of this piece, however, isn’t to wallow in misery and to itemize the calamities we face. Instead, we here over at the Unmitigated Word will discuss the numerous instances and circumstances where being a black man in America is freakin’ awesome. And, yes, we do have our moments.

1. When we greet other brothas vocally

We’ve all been there. We know how it goes. Hell, there’s an entire chapter’s worth of content on greetings and salutations that we can extract from the Black Man Standard Practice Handbook (It’s that’s not a thing yet, it should be). The following interaction is but a mere sample of what you could find:

Black Man 1: Yo, wassup?

Black Man 2: Aw man. You got the best hand!

BM 1: I can’t even call it.

BM 2: Just tryin’ to make it out here. How’s the J-O-B?

BM 1: You know. Workin’ for the man to pay the man.

BM 2: I feel you. Another day, another dolla.

BM 1: What about you, fam? What you gettin’ into these days?

BM 2: You know, everything is everything. I’m still here.

BM 1: Bruh, you ain’t never lied!

BM 2: Alright, playa pimp. Stay up!

BM 1: Yessir! Be easy, breezy!

…this could go on for about another hour and both men would be good with that. And if you really want to connect with another brotha, spend your time trying to one up each other on compliments:

BM 1: “I see you doin’ it big! Rockin’ a tie and all!”

BM 2: “Naw, man! It’s your world!”

Again, that can go on for weeks at a time.

2. When we greet other brothas silently

If it’s true that a picture is worth a thousand words, certain communicative practices can be worth two thousand of them joints. Sometimes, you can bypass the lengthy exchange of black pleasantries by doing something simple, yet effective: a subtle nod of the head. Nods are a cultural gesture than defy all the standard rules of communications. It’s one of the only expressions in the history of the world which needs no commentary. I mean, if you want  to follow that up with a “What’s up?”, you can. But truth be told, it’s not necessary. Merely 2-3 seconds worth of eye contact and a nod is all you need in order to tell another brotha (whether you know him or not) that everything is fine, nobody’s been shot by the police, and Trump hasn’t deported your family to Congo. It’s important to note though: you have to nod upward. Nodding downward is a whole ‘nother conversation.

3. Code switching

The ability for us to code switch in front of others as they watch in fascination is worth its weight in gold.

True story: not too long ago I was walking across campus to a meeting with some of my white co-workers. During our walk, I ran into one of the other few black male employees on campus. We greeted each other with the handshake/hug combo (which is covered extensively in the “Handshake” chapter of the Black Man Standard Practice Handbook), along with some of the commonly-used greeting lines I mentioned early. For the briefest of moments, we shared a thing. He knew what I said. I knew what he said. Nobody else had a clue what was going on. They didn’t know we were saying “Yeah, racism sucks. Be a good role model to young black men. Don’t disrespect black women. Oh, and don’t get shot by the police.” It was like we were temporarily in a country all our own.

Oh, and please note: this phenomenon isn’t unique to just Rollo ‘Nem. No, sir. As Key and Peele point out in the sketch below, this is goes all the way up to the White House:

I won’t lie. Sometimes having to code switch is rough. But other times, it’s bloody amazing!

4. Being unexpectedly nerdy

Not that I should care what strangers think about me, but I get a small sense of satisfaction when people are shocked to realize that I, as a black man from apparently the most dangerous city in the Milky Way Flint, can do or say things they’d never expect to come out of the mouth of somebody like me.

Example:

White Friend (with strangers within an earshot): Did you catch Game of Thrones last night?

Me: Of course! I particularly love how last night’s episode thoroughly examined the concepts of duty, politics, and valor in Westerosi society and how those dueling concepts create negative consequences for members of House Lannister. By the way, wanna get down on some of this hummus?

After that, I sit back and enjoy the cognitive melee I created in that stranger’s mind.

5. Excessively celebratory reactions to otherwise insignificant events

Speaking of GoT, one of my favorite past times of late has been watching reaction videos to various scenes from the show. My favorite was the compilation of people reacting to Jon Snow’s true identity (spoilers ahead, if you click on the link). Now, imagine that playing out somewhere involving a bunch of black folks. Huddled around during a rap battle. Playing spades. At church when the band is having a jam session. The way we celebrate these meaningless things (meaningless in the grand scheme of things, anyway) is worthy of discussion. For example, this video of predominately black NBA players reacting is priceless:

6. When your blackness is an instant cure for somebody else’s attitude

Another true story: I used to live in Grand Blanc, an affluent suburb outside of Flint. One day (during a time of my unenlightened youth), I accidentally cut a guy off in traffic. It was my fault, I freely admit. I didn’t commit the violation maliciously or intentionally. I simply didn’t see the guy. Well, he didn’t take it lightly. He rode my tail for a few miles; making every turn I made, riding my bumper unnervingly close, and did so all while cussing and gesturing at me. Finally being annoyed enough to do something about it, I did a hard brake in a Walmart parking lot. I put the car in park, got out, yelled “What the **** is your problem” (or something to effect) as I walked toward his car. I don’t think he expected me to take it that far. He sped away.

I can’t be sure, but I think the site of an angry and unafraid black man scared the road rage out of him. Now to be sure, we live in very dangerous times and this could’ve escalated into something far worse; especially if he had a weapon. But for that moment, I stuck my chest out in pride for using nothing but my blackness to cure this dude’s debilitating bout with road rage.

Fits with road rage aside, this can really apply to any surrounding. Sure, you have more and more people emboldened by a certain president. But mostly, you have people ready to get all in your face until they see the complexion of said face.

7. Public transportation riders generally leave us alone

I didn’t figure this one out until I started visiting larger cities like Chicago and New York. You see, in my hometown, I don’t use public transportation. And we don’t have a subway system. So when it came to personally experiencing some of those infamous tales of public transportation, I was a bit of a novice. But now, as a pretty seasoned public traveler in those cities, I’m growing increasingly confident of one universal truth: public transportation passengers don’t mess with black people. While everybody else is trying like hell to avoid making eye contact with that one dude using his shoe as a phone to order ho cakes, I sit back in confidence knowing that he won’t think to come my way. Personally think it’s a combination of him knowing that I’m too broke to finance his entertainment and him telepathically knowing that – as a black man – we’re connected by our struggles; causing him to move on to the next person. Whatever the reason, I’m generally off the hook.

8. The fresh feeling of getting a haircut

Sitting in a barber chair, getting scratched to death in the face by your barber’s unnaturally sharp clippers, listening to your stomach growl as your guy downs a two-piece with hot sauce (while magically still being able to give you the cleanest line the world has ever seen), and trying to desperately to secure your manhood by not wincing when he douses you with rubbing alcohol (newsflash: alcohol doesn’t put out fires. It spreads them. Sayin’). We all know the suffering that comes from a standard barbershop experience. But the next day? After you’ve had a day to let your fresh cut settle in? Money.

9. Getting gold star treatment from a brotha in customer service

My wife and I visited Chicago twice in a span of about 6 months. Each time, we wound up staying at the same place. Why? Because of a brotha named ********** (yeah, right! Like I’m going to share our dude with you!). When we arrived, he gave us the ultimate hookup. He upgraded our room each time while also giving us his family and friends discount. He called us several times a day during his shift to make sure things were going well with us, allowed us to stay a few hours past our checkout time so we could see more of the city, and gave us a follow-up call when we got back home. As a reminder, we’d never met this dude before in our lives prior to visiting for the first time.

This isn’t exclusive to hotel service. Restaurants, cell phone companies, auto supply stores. Whenever I visit an establishment and see a brotha behind the counter, I whisper a silent word of thanks to God.

All this being said, be of good cheer black men. It’s not all bad for us. Accentuate the positive, I always say.

-ACL

 

 

The Unsinkable Donald Trump

Where’s a good iceberg when you need one?

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a thousand times: Donald Trump can’t be stopped.

With each passing day, Trump makes headlines by engaging in activities that would each be impeachable offenses if it were any other candidate. First, he abruptly fired FBI director James Comey, all while Comey was leading an investigation into possible collusion between Trump and Russia on election hacking (possible obstruction of justice). A day later, he went on national television with Lester Holt and admitted that Comey’s investigation played a part in his firing. The day after that,  Trump tweeted that Comey should hope there were no tapes of their White House conversations (an act viewed by many as witness intimidation). Just when you thought the week had enough of Trump’s scandals, the Washington Post reported that Trump leaked classified, codename-level intelligence to the Russians. As icing on the proverbial cake goes, it now looks like Comey actually recorded Trump telling him to lay off the Flynn investigation.

By all measures, Trump should be doing a perp walk right now.

But even as Donald Trump moves from one scandal to another, I have conceded to the mind-blowing reality that as long as Republican lawmakers support him, he is – and will continue to be – impervious to political blowback from even the most reckless of behavior.

Like it or not, Trump has the leverage of both chambers of Congress and the Supreme Court, the branches of government to whom he is constitutionally required to answer. Democrats can make noise, kick up the occasional dirt, and propose a bill or two to reign in Trump’s behavior (of particular interest is Rep. Ted Lieu’s appropriately-named SWAMP act, which would force Trump to reimburse the government for his costly business trips). Maybe at some point, their methods will be executed effectively enough to drum up necessary support in time for the mid-term elections. But the foreseeable future belongs to Trump and the Republicans afraid to oppose him.

What makes Trump unbeatable is the unconditional, fanatical, and quite illogical support he continues to receive from his base. That base, not strong enough to win an popular vote outright, but potent enough to win individual districts, is who Republican lawmakers fear they would lose if they broke ranks with Trump. And, of course, they also hold on to the hope that staying loyal to Trump will translate into direct benefits for them (earmarks, for example). Far too many of them are putting their own ambitions ahead of the country and those they represent. They appear willing to sacrifice the nation’s integrity and standing in the world in order to save Trump.

In short, rather than jumping from a sinking ship, too many members of the GOP are purposely and cowardly serving as a flotation device for Trump.

It’s for that very reason why I think the comparisons to Trump and Nixon are off-base. Yes, they both committed impeachable offenses. But the significant difference between the two rests in the congressional support Nixon didn’t have, which Trump currently enjoys. By the last year of his presidential term, Nixon was squaring off against a Congress controlled by the opposing party. Trump, on the other hand has Congress on his side and, therefore, none of the meaningful checks and balances a president should have. If there is anything he can take away from the past week of scandal, it’s that he can do whatever he wants, without consequence. This isn’t the first time he’s made that observation:

As citizens, our anger over all the outrageous antics of this president is moot unless and until the folks on Capitol Hill stand up to him. But as long as his side is in charge and only operate (or fail to operate) out of concern over their political careers, we shouldn’t expect him to change his behavior anytime soon.

Narcissists seldom do.

-ACL

Why Spy Microwaves Should Be the LEAST of Your Concerns

Spies are lurking all around your house.

In an interview this week, White House advisor and resident spin-master Kellyanne Conway claimed that microwaves, yep, these joints, can be used as surveillance tools; a remark that came off the heels of an alleged wiretapping of President Trump by President Obama. As expected, her remarks immediately captured the attention of the news media and the nation at large. The onslaught was fierce.

Since being eviscerated in the news and all over social media, Conway has since ‘clarified’ her remarks, by speaking generally about the nature of high-tech surveillance and not about specific accusations toward Obama. However, the intrepid host of this blog thinks you all have been a little rough on Lady KaC (what? We go back a ways. I’m entitled to give her a nickname). While the microwave example was a bit off, she’s got every right to be legitimately concerned about everyday household appliances and gadgets spying on us. Why? Because they are. Trust me: by the time I’m done, I promise that you won’t trust all the goings on in your home the same way again.

Here are a list of items that are absolutely, probably, definitely, maybe spying on us at this very moment:

The stove: Um, yeah. If an appliance has the ability to clean itself, it stands to reason it can also cover its tracks pretty well without you ever detecting its activity. You think that’s grime and food residue being cleaned? Negative. That doggone stove is cleaning out its cache.

The NutriNinja™: I mean, it’s right in the name. When it comes to promoting its own healthy agenda, not only does this whirling dervish of an appliance extract the hell out of some nutrients, but it’s stealthy as as outdoors. I swear that NutriNinja™ secretly added kale to my smoothie the other day. I mean, who would eat that mess otherwise? Sneaky little bastard.

Your KitchenAid™ Mixer: Not only does this mixer work a little too well,  it has also shown no compunction about getting political. Remember when The KitchenAid™ “jokingly” tweeted about the death of Obama’s grandmother? Bad taste, no doubt. But lost in the conversation was the fact that a mixer was tweeting in the first place. Think about that for a second. A machine, a mixer no less, was following the election and tweeting about it. If you think it was just some social media handler straight out of college writing that tweet, you’re wrong. That’s exactly what it wants you to think. But the truth is out there. It did the tweeting, NOT some low level company intern. So if a machine is out there trolling people on Twitter, then – comparatively speaking – spying on you is a piece of cake. Cake, ironically enough, probably made by your KitchenAid.

The refrigerator: Think about it. Contrary to popular belief, the light inside the fridge is not there to help you see when you’re grabbing a late-night snack. No, sir. That light is there to illuminate the subject and make them more visible on camera. Putting night vision technology next to the eggs would’ve been a little too obvious. Well played, CIA. Well played.

Blu-Ray players: How many of you knew that the “Blu” in Blu-Ray stood for “Biometric Listening Unit?” None of you. That’s who.

Netflix: Of all the diabolical spies in your house, Netflix is the worst. It disguises itself as a low-cost streaming media service with amazing movies and TV shows. But, in reality, it’s a privacy-invading, information-stealing monster. I mean, each time I finish watching a great movie or TV show, it suggests some other title I’d like based on the programming I’ve been watching. Somehow, it’s been correct every. single. time. Some might say that Netflix has some kind of predictive algorithm built in that can anticipate what shows/movies I might like. But there’s no way in hell it could’ve predicted how much I’d love Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt just because I watched House of Cards. They ain’t nowhere near related. The only way Netflix would’ve known that was by spying on me that one time I said to my wife “You know, that Kimmy show looks kinda good”, as we were watching Frank kill Zoe (oh yeah, spoiler alert).

There you have it. This is but a small sample of the things in your household spying on you. Don’t believe all you want. But if I were you, I’d watch what you say around your toaster. You never know who’s listening.

– ACL

How To Parent in Trump’s America

If you’re anything like me, you’re raising young children who have only known a world with Barack Obama as president. So naturally, having an obnoxious brat who acts a hair less mature than they do is gonna take a bit of getting used to. Well, here at the Unmitigated Word, I have committed myself to helping people as much as possible. I love you all and only want the best for our future generations. That said, I’ve put together a few tips you can following for parenting in Trump’s America:

• While it’s important to hear what’s on your child’s mind, avoid the temptation of starting your line of questioning with “So, tell me: what the f*** do you think happened?”
• Explain to them how it is never – and stress the word “never” – OK to invite Toby Keith to perform anywhere, especially at a party in your honor.
• Assure them that none of this is their fault. Unless they’re the type of person who support vain, narcissistic, petty, sociopathic, misogynistic bigots for President of the United States. Then it probably is their fault.
• Explain to them the dangerous of alcohol. But if they need a little something to help them sleep at night during the next four years, the Jack Daniels is stored in the kitchen, the third cabinet to the right of the stove. If they’ve hit the spice drawer, they’ve gone too far.
• If they ask why Melania Trump is always looking sad, remind them that marrying for money is never a good idea. Unless, of course, you also know a great divorce lawyer.
• Remind them that Trump’s election is not the end of the world. At least not today, it isn’t.
• Remind them that no matter what, you’ll always be there to keep them safe. **Note: this may not necessarily apply to black men wearing hoodies or selling CDs, black women who get pulled over for mundane traffic violations, Muslims, or Mexicans seeking citizenship. In that case, your days in the states are probably numbered.**
• The “United We Stand” catchphrase is cute for bumper stickers, but is only really true immediately after a national tragedy. After that, our collective unity has an expiration date of about 10-15 minutes.
• If asked about the Electoral College, say “I don’t know sweetie. Sometimes, we Americans like nonsensical, outdated things which have worn out their welcome. Like Duck Dynasty, Velcro shoes, and the McRib.”
• Assure them that the government is not coming for them like they are for Muslims. But also tell them it’s not a bad idea to have a small bag packed, just in case.
• If you’re ever caught in a lie, just tell them you’re presenting alternative facts.

“Teach them well, and let them lead the way.” – Randy Watson, by way of the late, great Whitney Houston.

-ACL