hate soccer

I tried, y’all. I seriously did. I put aside the self-centered, Trump-permeating, Westernized thinking ingrained in many of us stupid Americans and tried to watch an actual soccer game. But it wound up being nothing but hours worth of boring boringness. It almost drove me to drinking.

I sat through an excruciating 90 minutes of – what I would consider – the equivalent of paint drying on growing grass. I suffered through all of that mind-numbing inactivity, only to be rewarded with a 0-0 tie. Seriously, f*** you, soccer. And f*** me for voluntarily engaging in this nonsense just to prove that I’m more open-minded than my dumb-as-rocks President (I mean, your president). I mean, damn: if I wanted to watch a bunch of Calvin Klein models with perfect five o’clock shadows and colorful outfits running up and down a field, I’d fly to Milan to attend a runway fashion show. Egh.

It was in that moment of personal depression that I realized that I hate soccer more than anything else on planet Earth. Tried as I might, I even compiled a list of things I consider really, really tortuous. And yet, none of them were able to top fútbol, even though a few came close.

Here are horrible things in life that, somehow, still don’t beat out soccer (with no particular ranking):

1. Long distance driving

2. Standing in line at the post office

3. Being on hold with Comcast

4. Cleaning out my email inbox

5. Waiting for Netflix to buffer

6. Listening to a live stream of a Trump rally

7. Watching infomercials at 3 o’clock in the morning.

8. Staff meetings

9. Yard work

10. Being broke

11. Waiting for an non-Prime delivery from Amazon

12. Cleaning up the house

13. PowerPoint presentations

14. Anything related to the Kardashians

15. Dieting

16. Being tagged in Facebook comments

17. Places without Wi-Fi

18. Vacation Bible School

19. Group texts

20. Going to the mall during the holiday season (or, well, ever)

21. Taylor Swift’s cover of Earth, Wind, and Fire

22. Phone calls that could’ve easily been text messages

23. Sleep apnea

24. Overly excited brides-to-be

25. Gas station bathrooms

26. Political analysts


28. Crocheted stuff

29. The length of time between seasons of Game of Thrones

30. Foreign films

31. Spammers (Nah, I’m lying. I LOVE these guys. How else can I kill the time waiting for Game of Thrones than to prank these fools?)

32. Having a good sneeze stuck in your nose

33. Just about any R & B and pop music created after 2005

34. Car problems after the warranty expires

35. Winter

36. Teenage drivers

37. Drivers turning on to Hammerberg who actually follow that “No Turn on Red” rule. Uh, since when has the 15-officer Flint PD ever enforced that rule?!

38. Police brutality

39. Being a few cents short of getting a dollar bill back in change

40. Birds that specifically target my car as their rest stop toilet

41. Republicans

42. The knock off phone chargers that only work for three days

43. Reality shows

44. Kellyanne Conway

45. Poetry readings

46. Gaining weight

47. When strangers in an empty movie theater sit directly next to us

48. The maddening consistency with which my wife is always right about stuff

49. Words with “-oint” in them

50. Ohio (OK, I’m lying. Ohio is literally the worse thing on Earth.)