This is an excerpt of the exclusive interview I may or may not have had with…well, let’s call him John, since I’m making this stuff up anyway.

John: And, we’re back. Joining us today is a very special guest. You may have read some of his writings on the award winning – and by award-winning, I mean “His sister gave him a shout out on Facebook” – blog The Unmitigated Word.  Please join me in welcoming Mr. Andre Louis!

(Audience cheers and/or crickets begin chirping)

Andre: Thanks for having me.

John: So, Andre. You’ve been married for four years now…

Andre: Four magical years!

John: Four magical years (chuckle). Anyway, given that you’re officially out of the newlywed stage, it’s probably safe to say that you can speak to the art of wooing women.

Andre: Absolutely! It was quite an adventure getting here, but now I get it.

John: So then, what would you say is the secret to attracting women?

Andre: That’s easy, John. Simply put, you can’t.

John: I’m sorry, what?

Andre: You can’t. It’s impossible.

John: That doesn’t make sense.

Andre: How doesn’t it?

John: Well (nervous chuckle), I’ve seen your wife. She’s beautiful, smart, and funny. You’ve obviously done something right. Surely, there is something you can share with this audience of desperate men looking for the same thing. What would you say to them?

Andre: OK. Fair enough. Well, let’s start with the obvious. First off, if you want to attract women, start by not asking them what they want.

John: Wait. What?

Andre: Right.

John: I’m confused. So you’re saying…

Andre: Yes. Disregard anything women say about what kind of man they’re looking for.

John: But, if you’re trying to attract women, wouldn’t it make sense to get input from, well, women?

Andre: Theoretically? Sure. In reality?  Not so much.

John: I’m lost.

Andre: Let me try to break it down for you. If you want insight into what women want, the last person you want to ask is an actual woman. You’d have a better chance of convincing a Trump supporter that Hillary would’ve been a better president than to get a clearly articulated explanation of what women find attractive. 

John: Uh boy. This conversation is going south.

Andre: Before it gets too weird, I’m not saying that you should neeeever listen to a woman. Not saying that at all. Somewhere in the recorded history of the omniverse, there should be at least one time in your life when you listen to what a woman has to say. Like, listening to your wife/significant other is always a good thing, especially if the idea of sleeping on the porch doesn’t sound too appealing. Oh, and you should probably listen to your moms once in a while.

All of that notwithstanding, the biggest mistake men make in the decidedly complex world of dating and relationships is when they govern their actions based on the discordant clamor of spontaneously and capriciously expressed desires conveyed to us by the fairer sex.

John: One more time, in English?

Andre: Sorry. I was trying to be a regular on your show by sounding all smart. Anyway, I’m basically saying that men make the mistake of trying to act based on what confused women say they want. Huge no-no. Like, yuuuuuuge. I mean, you’ll be lucky to get a woman to decide on where she wants to eat or what movie to see; let alone what she wants out of a mate.

John: Uhhhhh. You know that’s not going to go over well with our female listeners, right?

Andre: Fair point. And, just to prove that I’m not a sexist who would make Harvey Weinstein chartreuse with envy, this phenomenon is not exclusive to women. Not at all. It’s actually a ‘people’ thing. Nobody – men, women, Republicans – have a clue about what we’re looking for in life. I just so happen to be a heterosexual man talking about my experiences with heterosexual women. But, generally speaking, we’re all confused.

We want somebody who is jealous, but not overprotective. Affectionate, but not clingy. Attractive, but not too attractive. Women want a man who’s dominant, but not controlling. Men want a woman who’s submissive, but not dependent. Most of us don’t have a clue what we want. Or, at the very least, we don’t know how to describe what we want in quantifiable terms. 

John: So, why are we even having this discussion?

Andre: Well, you know. Because I’m a smart and (bleep). Plus, you asked the question.

John: Ooooo….kaaaay? So, back to your point. You’re saying that men should never listen to women about what they want. What should we do then?

Andre: Watch them. Learn from them. Pay attention to their nuance. Certain things they say, certain subtle behaviors they exhibit. Women drop clues all the freakin’ time. It’s up to us to be smart enough to see them. But if you need something more practical and immediate, look no further than the kind of people she’s dated before.

John: Is that all?

Andre: Basically. But hygiene helps. Most women would probably have relations with a vacuum cleaner if it smelled like Bleu de Chanel. Also, you should probably spend a little money on her every now and then. Oh, and surprise her once in a while.

John: With a flowers on her car or a puppy on her doorstep?

Andre: That’s just weird. man. Dude, you want to surprise her, not land on an episode of Law and Order. To be fair, that could be shocking. But not in the way you may have intended. What I mean is to occasionally do something the deviates from your norm. Basically, if you’re Jordan Peele, show an occasional hint of Tupac. Do that, and you’ll need a 27-gallon Sterlite bin to catch all the draws she’ll be hurling your way.

John: What about the opposite?

Andre: Oh, absolutely! So, I admit I’m kind of nerdy and I work at a University. So, it’s expected that I know a little something about the world – politics, business, humanities, community development, and other ‘smart guy’ (bleep) like that. But if you’re Leon the Barber from the hoodest part of the ‘hood and you can still spit a little something about annuities, the Electoral College, the design evolution of Kanye West’s album artwork, and how Killmonger was a tragic villain? Aaaaand, you volunteer your time as a youth counselor at a local center? Your lady would literally meet you anywhere, anytime, wearing no trace of underwear. Look at this way: when Stringer Bell started talking about product elasticity, I guarantee somebody got pregnant that night.

John: My producers are telling me we have to break for a commercial. Is that it?

Andre: I think so. Oh, and don’t be a jerk. Yeah. I think that about covers it all.

John: OK! Thanks for your insight, Andre.

Andre: My pleasure.

John: After the break, Andre will give us his take on why the entire state of West Virginia should be sold on Craigslist. We’ll be right back!

(cue commercials)

–  ACL