kitchen
Spies are lurking all around your house.

In an interview this week, White House advisor and resident spin-master Kellyanne Conway claimed that microwaves, yep, these joints, can be used as surveillance tools; a remark that came off the heels of an alleged wiretapping of President Trump by President Obama. As expected, her remarks immediately captured the attention of the news media and the nation at large. The onslaught was fierce.

Since being eviscerated in the news and all over social media, Conway has since ‘clarified’ her remarks, by speaking generally about the nature of high-tech surveillance and not about specific accusations toward Obama. However, the intrepid host of this blog thinks you all have been a little rough on Lady KaC (what? We go back a ways. I’m entitled to give her a nickname). While the microwave example was a bit off, she’s got every right to be legitimately concerned about everyday household appliances and gadgets spying on us. Why? Because they are. Trust me: by the time I’m done, I promise that you won’t trust all the goings on in your home the same way again.

Here are a list of items that are absolutely, probably, definitely, maybe spying on us at this very moment:

The stove: Um, yeah. If an appliance has the ability to clean itself, it stands to reason it can also cover its tracks pretty well without you ever detecting its activity. You think that’s grime and food residue being cleaned? Negative. That doggone stove is cleaning out its cache.

The NutriNinja™: I mean, it’s right in the name. When it comes to promoting its own healthy agenda, not only does this whirling dervish of an appliance extract the hell out of some nutrients, but it’s stealthy as as outdoors. I swear that NutriNinja secretly added kale to my smoothie the other day. I mean, who would eat that mess otherwise? Sneaky little bastard.

Your KitchenAid™ Mixer: Not only does this mixer work a little too well,  it has also shown no compunction about getting political. Remember when The KitchenAid™ “jokingly” tweeted about the death of Obama’s grandmother? Bad taste, no doubt. But lost in the conversation was the fact that a mixer was tweeting in the first place. Think about that for a second. A machine, a mixer no less, was following the election and tweeting about it. If you think it was just some social media handler straight out of college writing that tweet, you’re wrong. That’s exactly what it wants you to think. But the truth is out there. It did the tweeting, NOT some low level company intern. So if a machine is out there trolling people on Twitter, then – comparatively speaking – spying on you is a piece of cake. Cake, ironically enough, probably made by your KitchenAid.

The refrigerator: Think about it. Contrary to popular belief, the light inside the fridge is not there to help you see when you’re grabbing a late-night snack. No, sir. That light is there to illuminate the subject and make them more visible on camera. Putting night vision technology next to the eggs would’ve been a little too obvious. Well played, CIA. Well played.

Blu-Ray players: How many of you knew that the “Blu” in Blu-Ray stood for “Biometric Listening Unit?” None of you. That’s who.

Netflix: Of all the diabolical spies in your house, Netflix is the worst. It disguises itself as a low-cost streaming media service with amazing movies and TV shows. But, in reality, it’s a privacy-invading, information-stealing monster. I mean, each time I finish watching a great movie or TV show, it suggests some other title I’d like based on the programming I’ve been watching. Somehow, it’s been correct every. single. time. Some might say that Netflix has some kind of predictive algorithm built in that can anticipate what shows/movies I might like. But there’s no way in hell it could’ve predicted how much I’d love Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt just because I watched House of Cards. They ain’t nowhere near related. The only way Netflix would’ve known that was by spying on me that one time I said to my wife “You know, that Kimmy show looks kinda good”, as we were watching Frank kill Zoe (oh yeah, spoiler alert).

There you have it. This is but a small sample of the things in your household spying on you. Don’t believe all you want. But if I were you, I’d watch what you say around your toaster. You never know who’s listening.

– ACL

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