If you’re anything like me, you’re raising young children who have only known a world with Barack Obama as president. So naturally, having an obnoxious brat who acts a hair less mature than they do is gonna take a bit of getting used to. Well, here at the Unmitigated Word, I have committed myself to helping people as much as possible. I love you all and only want the best for our future generations. That said, I’ve put together a few tips you can following for parenting in Trump’s America:

  • While it’s important to hear what’s on your child’s mind, avoid the temptation of starting your line of questioning with “So, tell me: what the f*** do you think happened?”
  • Explain to them how it is never – and stress the word “never” – OK to invite Toby Keith to perform anywhere, especially at a party in your honor.
  • Assure them that none of this is their fault. Unless they’re the type of person who support vain, narcissistic, petty, sociopathic, misogynistic bigots for President of the United States. Then it probably is their fault.
  • Explain to them the dangerous of alcohol. But if they need a little something to help them sleep at night during the next four years, the Jack Daniels is stored in the kitchen, the third cabinet to the right of the stove. If they’ve hit the spice drawer, they’ve gone too far.
  • If they ask why Melania Trump is always looking sad, remind them that marrying for money is never a good idea. Unless, of course, you also know a great divorce lawyer.
  • Remind them that Trump’s election is not the end of the world. At least not today, it isn’t.
  • Remind them that no matter what, you’ll always be there to keep them safe. **Note: this may not necessarily apply to black men wearing hoodies or selling CDs, black women who get pulled over for mundane traffic violations, Muslims, or Mexicans seeking citizenship. In that case, your days in the states are probably numbered.**
  • The “United We Stand” catchphrase is cute for bumper stickers, but is only really true immediately after a national tragedy. After that, our collective unity has an expiration date of about 10-15 minutes.
  • If asked about the Electoral College, say “I don’t know sweetie. Sometimes, we Americans like nonsensical, outdated things which have worn out their welcome. Like Duck Dynasty, Velcro shoes, and the McRib.”
  • Assure them that the government is not coming for them like they are for Muslims. But also tell them it’s not a bad idea to have a small bag packed, just in case.
  • If you’re ever caught in a lie, just tell them you’re presenting alternative facts.

“Teach them well, and let them lead the way.” – Randy Watson, by way of the late, great Whitney Houston.