Ohhhh yeah! I forgot I still have a blog. For a minute there, I thought WordPress went through a systematic cleansing and purged itself of long-forgotten pages. But by some miracle, this joint is still around. So I guess that means I can still write to it. But don’t celebrate just yet: I really can’t promise that I’ll keep this thing going for much longer.
Anyway, for today’s installment I decided to do a little role-playing. I have Dave Chappelle to thank for this one. A few years ago, he wrote a brilliant sketch on his equally brilliant Chappelle Show called “Racial Draft”. In it, members from several racial groups acted as the “delegate” from that group, picking and choosing racially-ambiguous people that group wanted to draft as their own. In a word, this skit was legendary. In case you somehow haven’t seen it, which at this point in human history is impossible, here it is in all of its glory. Enjoy:
Inspired by this clip, the intrepid host of this blog thought to himself “Who would he draft or trade if he were ever the general manager of the black race?” Well, I’m glad you asked Mr. Imaginary Person.
First off, let me say that it was hard to narrow down the list. There were so many people to consider. Tavis Smiley, Jesse Lee Patterson, Larry Elder, Jaden and Willow Smith, that one black dude defending Dylann Roof, Crefalo Dollar, Emergency Manager Darnell Earley, Eddie Long, proponents of the confederate flag. The list is too exhaustive. So in the interest of time, here’s my top five list of black folk who would be immediately kicked off the team and traded for more deserving people.
(1) Dr. Ben Carson: Starting things off would be the trading of Dr. Ben Carson. Dr. Carson is an American tragedy in its truest form. He started off as a brilliant neurosurgeon fighting his way through a once racist and exclusionary institution like medicine to become a true pioneer in his field. But today? The man is completely off his rocker. Don’t get me wrong: black people are entitled to support the conservative cause all they want. Black people do not have to subscribe to the tenants of the democratic party if they don’t want to. And they should be able to subscribe to Republicanism without scathing criticism. But there’s something unsettling about most black Republicans. They tend to act paternalistic and loathsome towards the rest of their race; shunning anybody who doesn’t roll with their agenda. On top of that, he’s said some pretty ridiculous things. From suggesting that gun control kept unarmed Jews from defending themselves during the Holocaust to calling Obamacare the worst thing to happen to America since slavery, the man proves with every utterance that being educated is not the same thing as being smart.
Whom I’d trade for: Bernie Sanders. While it’s true that black folks – by and large – haven’t quite felt the Bern yet, give it time. If you recall another relatively unknown senator went up against the Clinton political machine…and won.
(2) Kayne West: Speaking of black men who have lost their ever-loving minds, Kanye West is now officially that dude who flew over the cuckoo’s nest. He’s gone from producing one of my favorite records of all time to becoming a Kardashian. Bruh, one Kardishian lover was on life support after being found unconscious in a brothel. Another one decided that after being with a Kardashian, it was time for him to give up on his gender entirely. Take the hint.
I miss the Kanye who was telling the world how much George Bush hates black people.
Whom I’d trade for: Sam Smith. Not only does he sing a song as soulful as any brotha, he actually won a BET award. I’d welcome Sam to the ‘hood with open arms.
(3) Raven-Symone’: Full disclosure here. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been known to agree with a lot of what Raven “I’m every-continent” Symone’ has had to say (I guess that means you people would be justified in calling me the Matt Millen of the racial draft. That’s a Detroit Lions’ reference for the uninitiated. A very unfortunate Lions’ reference). For instance, she took flack for making the same arguments I’ve made about the way we name our children. In fact, studies actually support the claim that biases are created based on names; among other things. So her being vocal is not my issue. My issue is her being vocal and harshly critical in front of a national audience. Airing our dirty laundry so openly substantiates the bigoted and narrow-minded thinking of other folks looking for a black face (or blackface, as the case may be) to justify their contemptuous thinking. What happens with the team stays in the locker room, Raven.
Whom I’d trade for: Rachel Dolezal. It’s pretty clear that she’d give anything to be black. She loves us just as we are and wouldn’t think twice about hiring a person named Bon’Quesha. All power to her. Just by sheer virtue of her body of work in social justice, she’d be a clear pick for my team. I’d probably even make her the franchise player.
(4) The Stump for Trump women: As GM, I couldn’t get rid of these bamas quick enough. Not only do they personify every single sassy, neck-twisting, finger-waving, loud-mouth stereotype about black women, they’re doing so to benefit a guy who clearly doesn’t have their interest at heart. Unless, of course, black people’s interests include getting rid of Mexicans and Muslims. But we all know that’s silly. America’s contempt with Mexicans and Muslims, if played correctly, could take the heat off black people. Light weights.
Oh, and even though Donald Trump is not on our team, I’d draft a contract ensuring that he could never be traded in one of these racial drafts. He’s toxic, divisive, and borderline crazy. Basically, he’s the Terrell Owens of politics.
Whom I’d trade for: George Lucas. Dude is worth a fortune, is married to a sista, and gave us Star Wars. Enough said.
(5) Stacey Dash: Stacey Dash has become the new black darling of the Republican party. She’s railed against Obama about as often as most people have coffee in the morning. She’s railed against the Black Lives Matter movement. She’s even called for the elimination of Black History Month, BET, and the NAACP (her numerous appearances on BET programming and music videos, her NAACP image award hosting, and modeling for black-targeted magazines notwithstanding, of course.)
Whom I’d trade for: OK, I’m lying. She’s too fine to release. You don’t trash a Benz just because the engine is loud and doesn’t work. First you try to fix the engine. If that doesn’t work, you learn to tune out that noise, chalk it up as a loss, and hoard the gorgeous, yet non-functioning machine. Granted, you’d probably have to lock it away in the deepest, darkest, corner of your garage. But you can still admire it from time to time because of its flawlessness. Even if it doesn’t run, it’s still a freakin’ Benz! Oh, what the hell? I’d make her a cheerleader on the squad…provided that she doesn’t…you know…talk. Like, ever.