A while ago, I wrote a very kind letter to the President asking him to help us (by us, I mean my cousins ‘nem) to get better. To date, the President has yet to respond. I’m sure he’s read it, and it’s on his “To-Do” list. But he just hasn’t gotten around to implementing my recommendations yet. He has a few slightly more important things do deal with – fiscal cliffs, crazy Republicans, Syria, and s***. But, I know my letter is weighing heavily on his mind.
My next request is of a legal nature, so I’ll leave the Prez out of this. So, Mr. Eric Holder, this one is for you. Look, it’s no secret that this whole “me being black” thing ain’t really working out. Too many of us embarrassing the rest of us. I’ve tried to get one of those “Change of Race” forms they stash at the Secretary of State’s office. But each time I request one, they’re all gone. My guess is: there are thousands of us who are thinking the same thing. We want out! So if I can get you to sign off on it, here’s a contract which I think covers everything we need to legally emancipate me from being black:
Agreement of Ethnicity Relinquishment
Section 1: Eligibility: Upon meeting the criteria established in the following document, the Plaintiff (colloquially referred to as the Claimant) may relinquish his or her ethnic identity and adopt any other ethnic identity formally recognized by the United States Census, to include any of the following: White; Latino; American Indian, Alaska Native; Asian, Middle Eastern, Samoan; other Pacific Islander*;
1.a – A member of another recognized ethnicity does something meritorious or so deserving of credit as to be worthy of emulation.
1.b – A member of another recognized ethnicity (to wit, Blacks Americans or people of African descent) commits an act so egregious, shockingly stupid, embarrassing, evil, or so deserving of predestined damnation as to be worthy of complete and utter repudiation (for example, if two ig’nant ninjas decided to steal $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings. But of course, nothing that stupid would EVER happen in real life, right? Oh. Wait.).
Section 2: Exchanging Ethnicity: The Claimant must relinquish his or her ethnicity in a publicly-recognized civil ceremony.
2.a – The Claimant shall, within view of an agent of the law, perform an act associated with the ethnicity of his or her choice and so be publicly identified. (For example, the Claimant blocked Black Entertainment Television from his or her cable package);
2.b – The Claimant shall, within view of an agent of the law (and, for good measure, at least two other witnesses) verbally recite the following declaration “I, _____, hereby declare that I am no longer black on my (mom or dad’s) side.”
Section 3: Rights and Responsibilities: At the commencement of adopting the new ethnicity, the Claimant shall assume all of the rights and responsibilities of his or her newly established ethnicity (for example, should the Claimant become Latino, he or she must immediately convert to Catholicism and agree to frequently combine elements of both the Spanish and English languages in a single sentence. Should the Claimant become White, his or her credit score must immediately surge to 850, you will no longer be subjected to police stops, and any pathological behaviors – notably of the violent nature – shall be deemed ‘mental illness’. Oppositely, the Claimant also relinquishes any sense of rhythm and coordination. But when you control the Federal Reserve, who cares about doing the Wobble?).
Section 4: The Caveat: Under no circumstances shall the Claimant be allowed to reverse the ruling or revert back to his or her former racial or ethnic identity. Moreoever, Claimants representing another racial or ethnic identity shall be prohibited from becoming a Black American or person of African descent. Claimants attempting to do so shall be considered cognitively disabled and will be subjected to detention at at maximum security facility in the interest of preserving public safety and individual well-being.
I, the undersigned, formerly a ________________________________________________ and being of sound mind wish to become a ________________________________________________________.
I recognize that with my signature I agree to the terms and conditions outlined in this document. Failure to comply with these terms will result in, well, me staying black. And none of us want that.
(Signature of Claimant)
Come on, brother Holder. Sign it man! I need this. Too many of my cousins ‘nem taking over.