Years from now when I’m nothing but a page in the history book of this world, I’d like to think I’ll be remembered as a genuinely good guy. I want people to think back on all the good times they had with me and – hopefully – on how I made one piece of this planet a better place to live. But I also admit that I’m a pretty rotten person at times. I make no bones about that. Rather than going into some self-inflated discussion about why I’m such a great person, I’m exposing myself here to present some reasons why I’m a really horrible person:

(1) I don’t brake for animals. Actually, let me put this another way: I don’t brake for animals that don’t have a direct consequence to me or my vehicle. If I see a deer wandering in the street, a boar on the loose, or a bear riding a unicycle, I’m definitely stopping. But if Fido is blocking traffic and I’m running late for the Michigan game? Well, that’s just in God’s will. Nice knowing you, Fido. If the title is correct, all dogs go to Heaven anyway. So I guess you could say I’m doing him a favor.

(2) I cheat in the grocery line. I guess this falls in line with stealing, sorry to say. But if I’m purchasing produce by the pound, I put minimal weight on the scale giving me the best deal possible. In other cases (especially with leafy lettuce) if I don’t need the full amount that comes pre-packaged, I’ll only take what I need from that package and the put the rest back. What can I say? They shouldn’t bulk the produce so much.

(3) Speaking of grocery store antics, if I’m really hungry at the store, I eat. It started with me nibbling on a cookie or snacking on a few grapes. But it’s graduated to alarmingly high levels lately. I mean, I pay for it…so it’s technically not stealing right? Oh, don’t act like you’ve never made a ham and cheese sandwich in line. You pretentious muddasuckas.

(4) I try on dress shirts even if it’s against store policy. I honestly think this is more in silent protest to the antiquated way dress shirts are packaged and to ridiculous store policies than anything else. I don’t apologize for trying on shirts. It’s an important part of the whole clothes buying process (I hate shopping for clothes, by the way. But it’s a necessary evil). If retailers choose to continue to waste their money on pins, cardboard, and paper for shirts, then they’ll just have to keep picking up the mess I leave for them after I’m done trying those shirts on. I mean, not all shirts fit the same. Not all materials feel the same. If there’s a problem with my shirt, I want to know NOW. Not after I buy it. Not after I drive all the way home. If you salesmen have a problem with that, kick rocks.

(5) I give out fake numbers or take a person’s number with absolutely no intention of ever calling. I know, I’m horrible. But in my defense (a) I only do this to people who are overly aggressive and (b) I do this because I consider it a lot more polite – at least at the time – than telling them to kick rocks. I’d bet most people don’t even know I gave them a bum number or deliberately didn’t call them. They probably chalk it up to a simple mistake.

(6) I unapologetically bad-mouth my ex. Thing about this one: when we first broke up (to date, she’s managed to convince herself that I broke up with her when, in reality, she was the one engaged in the most objectionable behavior out of the two of us), I tried to be a grown up about it. Before, only the people closest to me were provided with the truly sordid details of her behavior (or, as she would call it, “smearing her.” *Facepalm*). I didn’t really talk about her or the ordeal publicly. Partially, it was out of the embarrassment of being cheating on. But mostly I was also trying to save face by not appearing immature and bitter. I think I did a pretty good job of that for a while. At one point, I even arrived at her doorstep humbly apologizing for my role in our fallout! But when she took to the social networking airwaves to go after me, the gloves came off. On top of that, newer developments have come to my attention recently convincing me ONCE AND FOR ALL that this girl has some serious issues. At this point in the game, I have ZERO INTEREST in being the grown up. If anybody wants to know what happened with us and what’s she’s really like, I freely volunteer the pure and unadulterated truth (I wish I hadn’t thrown away the evidence I collected). Fellas, if you ever think about trying to approach her for a date, I have some advice for you: don’t. You’ll be all the wiser (and indeed, happier) if you stayed away from her. Crazy is not what you need in your life.

To the ex: if you’re reading this, finish the whole post first, forward it to your friends (I can use the extra readership). But immediately after that, seek help. You need it.

(7) I offer smart alec commentary. About everything. Oftentimes, this is to my peril, as many people don’t understand my sense of humor. Besides that, I sometimes have a hard time turning on the filter at the appropriate times.

(8) I have very little patience for things and people who don’t make sense to me. I tend to be a creature of logic. Later for all that emotional gobbledegook. That kind of thinking usually gets me in trouble (especially with the fairer sex, who think I should automatically understand and accept my thinking). This isn’t to say that I’m completely devoid of feelings and emotion. But I have little patience for them if/when they interfere with things that make sense.

(9) I’m occasionally an Internet troll. A troll is basically a provocateur, a person who riles up others. Thing is: I’m not an intentional troll…ok, I’m lying. But I’m not an intentional troll all the time, not even most of the time. Sometimes, I’m just highly opinionated. But I have been know to push buttons if for no other reason but because they need to be pushed. Mostly I do it in response to somebody else’s foolishness. But I add to fire, I admit. In recent months, I’ve backed away from this a bit, but I can’t say I haven’t had my moments.

Trolling isn’t all bad, though. What could be infinitely worse is if a person takes this beyond the glare of the computer screen and turn it into a real-life scene.

(10) Camera phones, social networking, and I make an evil team. If I see you in a compromising position, you do something embarrassing, or you’re off your A-game, it stands to reason that I’m going to capture it. I’m sure I’ve had some moments too. But fortunately, there aren’t as many people in the world evil as I am.

While none of the things listed here put me on the level of some of the truly evil people in the world, it’s still pretty evident that I need prayer. That’s where you all come in. 😉

– ACL

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