“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

– Klingon proverb.

“Whatever. Just toss that mess in the garbage disposal.”

– Me.

Ladies, have you ever felt like your ex has taken your heart, flattened it out, and used it as a coaster for his beer? Fellas, have you ever felt like your ex has taken your heart and served it to her family pet as an entree? Wise men say simply moving on and living a productive life without your ex is the best form of revenge. They couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is: getting revenge is the best kind of revenge. And believe me when I say: that sh*t is tempting.

After my breakup, I had plenty of opportunities to make my ex’s life miserable. And it would’ve been all too sweet. The problem however, is that while most of the nefarious plots we can come up with may inconvenience those who have done us wrong, these inconveniences are usually short-lived. More importantly, they fail to adequately get to the heart of the matter. The damage inflicted doesn’t hit its mark…while at the same time making you look rather puerile.

That, and…well…some of the stuff we come up with will probably land us in the clink.

That said, if you really want to get even with somebody, I think you essentially have two options: First, you can opt to take the low road. I’m talking something that hits way below the belt. Like hooking up with their best friend. It would be that much more fulfilling if you happened to be immensely rich and successful before hooking up with the friend, but the best friend route is usually a sure way to fire back. Now, obviously there are some inherent risks associated with a move like this. After all, you’re facing a very definite possibility that the friend will be even worse than the person with whom you’re trying to get even. Follow this path at your own discretion.

Or, there is the more mature route: do nothing.

Lick your wounds. Sit back. Bide your time. And wait.

Sit back and let God do the job of unleashing revenge on your ex. It may not be obvious at first. It always starts off with simple things, which progress over time. A scratched CD here, a flat tire there. Those are the warning signs. But if your ex doesn’t see the error of their evil ways, God will visit them with the modern-day equivalent of the Plagues of Egypt: He’ll make them fall in love with somebody who will treat them as bad as they treated you. Or worse.

The old adage just happens to be true: Time does heal all wounds. Eventually you will recover from this. I promise you. But you can take solace in another truth, one they don’t teach but is equally true: Sooner or later, time wounds all heels.