Poor Tiger can’t seem to catch a break. Sure, the dude has as many girlfriends as most of us have friends. Sure, he now has stories he can pass on to his children and grandchildren about how going to rehab can inexplicably cure one’s insatiable penile impulses. But the poor guy has been taking shots from all over the place. Even the humble host of this here blog has been critical of Tiger Woods and the way he executed his infidelity. I even went as far as to offer critically deconstructive analysis on where he messed up.

But upon further review, I have a confession to make. As much as a person like Tiger Woods sucks so horribly at being a player, I admit that if I was in Woods’ position (or should I say multiple positions), I can honestly say I wouldn’t fare any better. Some dudes are great at cheating. Others are not. I happen to fall in the latter group of people who would downright suck at being a dog. Here’s why (and I should note right off the bat, none of these reasons are particularly praise-worthy. Just sayin’):

(1) It requires too much work. When the heat is on and I have to get down to business (i.e. when I’m under intense pressure at work or in school), I can be hardest worker on the planet. But when it comes to the general day-to-day activities I do, I’m lazy as hell. To give you an example: almost a year ago now, I moved into a new apartment. After I unpacked my things, I broke the boxes down and placed the stack in my storage closet with the expectation that I’d toss them in the dumpster behind the building. Those boxes remained in my closet up until about two weeks ago. Instead of taking a few minutes to haul the boxes to the dumpster, I found myself walking past them (and sometimes stepping over them) for almost a year.

If I’m too lazy to throw some damn boxes away, I’m pretty sure I’m too lazy to come up with/execute schemes to be a cheater.

(2) Limited options. Chris Rock once brilliantly noted that a man was only as faithful as his options. This theory is tried and true; with your average Republican lawmaker being the most shiny example of how reliable this theory is. The same people espousing the importance of family values went out and got some tail the minute their blonde interns showed a modicum of interest. It stands to reason that a person like Denny Hastert doesn’t have to worry about being an adulterer. I mean, it’s not like a bunch of supermodel-types are banging his door down.

In that same vein, I don’t have a ton of women (OK, not even a single woman. Happy now?) trying to come at me all hard. With limited absolutely no options to consider, I can’t cheat…right?

(3) I’m simply not a sexual person. The sexual revolution of the 70’s and 80’s screwed me up immensely. In an age where gratification in the sack is just as much a predictor of relationship success as what people call “love”, my lack of sexual prowess could quite possibly preclude me from navigating certain terrain with a woman, let alone multiple women.

This is a little embarrassing to admit, but we’re all family here: I’m about as close to The 40-year-old Virgin as a person can be without actually being that dude. I just hit the big 3-0 this year and in all my years of living, I’ve only had sex twice. When I did, my thoughts toggled back and forth from “Whoa! I’m actually having sex now!” to “God. I hope I’m not sucking.” The fact that I could be thinking about something so cursory at a time like that is an indication that sex is just not something I’m that great at doing. Most men don’t mind bragging to their boys about how Mandigo they are under the sheets with their lady. Me? Meh. I’d rather watch College Gameday.

I’m sure sex is like everything else, where you get better with more practice. I didn’t become the cartoonist I am without messing up a few drawings first. I didn’t become the drummer I am without screwing up a couple of beats every now and then. But in a game like playerhood, on-the-job training is typically not acceptable.

(4) Flint, Michigan. One day, somebody will have to explain to me how Flint is considered a city. When compared to more spacious and considerably more populated places like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, or even Detroit, Flint is a speck on a map. There isn’t a single place in this city where I could go without running into a cousin (especially with an extended family as big as mine), a former teacher, that one dude from the neighborhood, or some other random person who knows my mate. There is absolutely no way – unless I sneak out of town or stay indoors – that I can sneak around without being detected. Plus, I’ve got a pretty easily recognizable vanity plate on my ride. That makes creeping around virtually impossible.

(5) Not willing to invest the time. Earlier I cited how lazy I am. But that’s not entirely true. When it comes to doing things I enjoy, I’m not lazy at all. But I’m also in a position where I’m pretty selfish with my time. Between my blog, college football, Modern Family, 24, my ongoing efforts to criticize black culture, or reading a good piece of non-fiction African American Studies/Sociology literature, who has time for a meaningful relationship…let alone a bunch of meaningless relationships?

This isn’t to say that these things are the ONLY circumstances preventing me from being a cheater. Somewhere lost in this discussion, there is also a pretty good guy who truly does believe in the importance of commitment,  trust, integrity, love, and respect. Still, I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t include some of the above reasons why I would completely suck as a player. The first step is admitting, right?

– ACL

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