What’s up party people?

Let me start off by saying how super sorry I am about the hiatus. There is lot going on in my professional life right now which has made blogging pretty low on my list of priorities. But I’ll try to get to back in blogging habit, slowly but surely. Don’t give up on me! 🙂

For the first post since coming out of a month-long hybernation, I present to you a rant of the most superficial nature: celebrity news. For the time being, I’ll leave it up to the good folks over at my favorite joints Mirror on America, The Hippie Conservative, and The Unapologetic Mexican to keep your minds fed on substantive news. For now, I’m turning my attention (briefly, I should point out) to one, Tiger Woods.

As most of you may know by now (that is, if the media has done its job of presenting distracting news), Tiger Woods has been a little naughty. At least one of four alleged mistresses has been revealed; bringing to light the initially baffling incident involving Woods’ SUV crash, facial cuts, the broken windows on his ride, and the secrecy of Woods and his wife regarding the series of events. It appears that the wife found out about Tiger’s creeping and gave him a private and intimate meeting with her claws.

Congrats Tiger, you’re officially a brotha. All you have to do now is show up on Jerry with your wife and your new lady friend.

Let this be a lesson to those of you who plan to cheat. It is imperative that you BE SMART ABOUT IT! I made a similar argument before, but apparently people like Tiger are too busy to heed the valuable advice found on this blog. I’m a little offended that he didn’t consult me on this, but I’m sure he will in the future. For the benefit of the rest of you, I offer the following advice (just to reiterate for the record, I am NOT condoning cheating. But if you must cheat there are better ways to do it than Mr. Woods):

1. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to get a pre-paid phone. Giving your mistress your personal cell phone is a recipe for disaster. In all likelihood your partner can (and probably will) have access to your phone history, especially if you two share the same phone plan. If you’re using your primary phone to creep around, it stands to reason that you’re going to get caught. Similar to having an affair in places personal to you (your work, your car, or heaven forbid – your own house), using your personal cell to initiate said affair could be disasterous. Tiger Woods – who has hundreds of millions of dollars at his disposal – could’ve easily gone to the local party store and picked up a Talk N Go. Sheesh.

2. Whether you know it or not, infidelity involving second hand exchanges can – and almost certainly will – leave a trail. DELETE THAT MESS! Do not put anything down on paper, email, text message, or (in this case) voicemail messages that you wouldn’t want shared with the rest of the universe. Somewhere, an alien 100 million light years away on the planet Zoltor was able to easily download Kwayme’s text messages. What the hell would make Tiger think his messages wouldn’t find their way to the YouTube universe? Double sheesh.

3. Speaking of Tiger’s voicemail message: there are only a handful of women on this planet (and by handful, I mean…like, two) who would be perfectly content being a sloppy second. In that respect, men and women are entirely different creatures when it comes to being players. Most bruhs don’t mind coming in second. In fact, they prefer it. Women on the other hand don’t generally want to be runner up. Their ultimate goal is to be “…and wife.” While it’s true that there are also women folk  out there who simply want to dig for gold or want the opportunity to satisfy their groupie desires, I suspect most of them want to go beyond that and into a committed relationship. The moment you hit them with the old “Yeah, that was nice…but you’ve gotta go. Lose my number.” line, all hell is gonna break loose. You can quote me on that one.

One this is for sure: Tiger Woods will spend a great deal of time doing damage control. For one, his wife is white; making his sins even less forgivable in the public eye. If Mrs. Woods was a sistah, I don’t think the media backlash would have been nearly as strong (then again, I’m not so sure. If it was a sistah, she would’ve probably called her brothers over to kick Tiger’s ass. That would’ve made SportsCenter for sure). But more than anything, Tiger gained his success playing golf; the “gentleman’s” game. It’s not like playing football or basketball, where the stereotype of unfaithful athletes reigns supreme (even then, it’s a fallacy. There are PLENTY of faithful, committed athletes and entertainers who are unfortunately outshined by the smaller percentage of cheaters. But I digress). In a sport where even something cursory like celebrating a win can be considered an evil deed, messing around on your pretty, white wife and then trying to sloppily cover it up has the ability to permanently scar you.

Green jackets and black eyes don’t make a good match.