Dear President Obama,

For starters, please allow me to say that you are not beholden to the black community in any way, shape, or form. Even though folks like Dyson, Cornel, and Tavis are manufacturing nonsensical reasons to attack your racially neutral approach to doing things, I think you should continue to focus your efforts on problems facing the entire nation. But, if I can go against my own word just this once, I would like to ask you to use your Executive muscle to specifically address a few problems directly concerning your cousins ‘nem. Please help us get our acts together!

1. A law should be enacted that will prohibit any black person over the age 16 from watching BET. Ever. Scratch that. This law should apply to every American. Scratch that again: No person on this planet should be able to watch BET. I’m generally not in favor of the U.S. playing the policeman of the world, but when it comes to universally banning BET, I’m willing to make an exception.

2. No black person should ever be allowed to work on Fox News (Sorry Marc. That includes you).

3. Legislation should be established to prohibit black people from driving SUVs. With GM virtually leaving keys in their vehicles’ ignitions and “Free” signs hanging off the window, I suspect that many black folks will stock up on their Yukons and Escalades pretty soon. Even with gas prices on the rise again, these rides might be a problem once again.

4. On a related note, black people can no longer be allowed to have $10000 rims on rides that are only worth $300.

5. While we’re on driving behavior, a new law needs to be enacted that prohibits us from doing gangsta leans in our cars. Ever.

6. Black people should be prohibited from putting stuff “in their baby’s names”. No child on the planet should have to live out their youth with a phone bill, a car note, and cable TV services already being charged to them.

7. Speaking of our children, a new law should be passed that will no longer allow a person under the age of 21 to conceive a child. I’m no fan of abortion, but I’m an even greater opponent of knucklehead’s having baby showers – when they’re 15!!!

8. Speaking of children again, black teenagers must not be allowed to spend more than $200 total for their proms. No more custom-made dresses, outlandish hair designs, funky nails, horse drawn carriages, or stretch Hummers. It’s a flippin’ high school prom, NOT a presidential inauguration (though Mr. President, if you came to your Inaugural Ball in a stretch Hummer, I’d disown you too. Sorry…)

9. Speaking of children one more time, black folks should legally be prohibited from giving their children crazy names. I’m sorry, but I will never hire an attorney named BonQuisha. I don’t care how good she is. I will never vote for a politician named Demareon-tay. By giving these innocent and unsuspecting children jacked up names, we’re setting them up for failure. I mean, look how hard it was for you to get elected with your name. Your parents got you good, too.

10. Any black churches that still print people’s tithes and offerings must to be closed down at once.

11. While we are on church behavior, brothas must be banned from wearing suits with jackets that have more than four buttons; that come in pastel colors; or that have matching gators, hats, and canes. Sistas must be prohibited from wearing flower hats, glittery dresses or off-colored stockings (red, green, yellow, etc.).

12. While we’re still on church behavior, any ministers who have to rely on theatrics to sell their message should be fired immediately. Hootin’ and hollering, creating new dance steps, and “Shaking the Haters Off…” must be banned from the church forever.

13. New laws should force brothas on the Down Low to come out. While I think the phenomenon is definitely overly-hyped, I don’t dismiss the reality that it does exist to some extent. The negative consequences to the black community (health issues, the disintegration of the black family, etc.) are all significantly impacted by this DL mess.

14. Speaking of relationships in the black community, black women should no longer be allowed to date thugs. Trust me. It’s for their own good. In fact, you should consider yourself extremely lucky that Michelle didn’t choose Leon the South-Chicago thug over you. Nice, kind, intelligent brothas never get the girl. You’re making history all over the place!

15. A person with functioning body parts, a cell phone, Baby Phat apparel, and freshly done hair/nails may not be eligible to receive welfare benefits. For that matter, welfare recipients must show proof that they’ve earnestly attempted to apply for work in order to stay eligible. Social programs are important, no doubt. But preventing people for sponging off the system is just as important.

16. Black people must no longer be able to watch the Tyra Banks show. I’d include Oprah in that list, but – as much as I try – I can’t hate on her. After all, she virtually got you elected. Tyra, on the other hand, is just ridiculous.

17. New legislation should be presented forcing the NAACP to disband or – at the very least – reexamine itself socially. Any organization that gives “Image Awards” to Mo’Nique and R. Kelly should lose their credentials immediately.

18. Black “leadership” should be disallowed and eliminated.

19. Jet, Ebony, and VIBE must be put out of commission.

20. Fried chicken must only be served at one function every six months (unless it’s Crystal’s. Then, we may have to do some negotiating). Watermelon must be completely outlawed altogether. Kool Aid can stay. 🙂

21. Giving black folks an occasional “hookup” is perfectly acceptable. After all, white guys have been doing it for years. Except the wording is a little different. Other code names for “hookups” are “lobbying”, “insider trading”, and “bailouts.”

22. The bootleg CD/DVD man must be allowed to work full time and given a salary for his hard work.

24. The FCC must never allow D.L. Hughley or Tyler Perry to do anything on television EVER again.

25. Ray J, Flavor Flav, and New York must be arrested and waterboarded for an indefinite amount of time. Just ‘cuz.

Thank you for your attention to these most immediate and pressing issues of national security.