18 comments on “My Letter to the President

  1. OMG!!! This was soooo funny!!

    “3. Legislation should be established to prohibit black people from driving SUVs. With GM virtually leaving keys in their vehicles’ ignitions and “Free” signs hanging off the window, I suspect that many black folks will stock up on their Yukons and Escalades pretty soon. Even with gas prices on the rise again, these rides might be a problem once again.”

    Ummmm you mustve read the same article that I did…you know the one in mlive that stated that Al Serra in Grand Blanc had the hughest sales….nationally….last year…..in the one of the poorest states…next to one of the poorest cities….


    “10. Any black churches that still print people’s tithes and offerings must to be closed down at once.”


    • #3: I know, right? And if you think all of Al Serra’s customer base are Grand Blanc residents, think again. Good point.

      #10: Sigh. The Greater…

  2. God bless the child!

    Dre, you are so ridiculously wrong (and right) for this post! I never read a list where I nod my head so much. LOL! But I especially loved 10, 11, 22, and 25. Waterboarding Ray J?! LOL!!!!

    But I was a little disturbed at #8. Do people REALLY ride horse drawn carriages to the prom in Flint? What recession?!

    • Sadly, Cyn: kids in Flint really DO get outlandish with the prom. I can’t even describe it. It’s just something you have to see to believe.

  3. While we’re at it, the President should write a law stating that unless it’s braces, no shiny metals can be put in our mouths.

    Black people can NOT go on Maury Povich.

    Black people must NOT have their children lie every time a bill collector calls.

    Black people must NOT allow their children to leave the voice mail message…also no music should be allowed on voice mail messages.

    Black people should NOT drive expensive cars and live in the parents’ basement.

    I can go on and on…you’ve got me started.

    • While you’re on a roll Kenya, you can add a few more. Black people CAN NOT be allowed to do the Hustle at weddings anymore.

      Black people can NOT have baby showers at all-you-can-eat buffets.

      Black people can NOT blast bass out of their cars ever again.

      I’m trying to think of more, but I think you covered all the bases, Dre! Hahaha!

    • Ah, Kenya. I see now that many of these phenomenons are not unique to my own experiences. If I had a dollar for every bill collector I had to lie to. 🙂

      @ KC: Baby showers at all-you-can-eat joints?! Wow. You must’ve went to my cousins last year! I only thought people in my family did that mess. LOL!

  4. Speaking of our children, a new law should be passed that will no longer allow a person under the age of 21 to conceive a child. I’m no fan of abortion, but I’m an even greater opponent of knucklehead’s having baby showers – when they’re 15!!!

    It ain’t that simple.

    • I guess teenagers make better mothers because they share they same bottle of Similac.

      • It’s not an endorsement, it’s just a reflection of the atrocious state of maternal health in the Black community.

  5. #20: Negro what?! If I could do it without developing coronary disease, I’d eat fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and watermelon for breakfast lunch and dinner. And drink kool-aid in between meals.

    1-4, 6, 8, 10, 21, 22: Co-sign

    13: Ain’t none a my business.

    17: That deserves a whole book. No, two. “The Crisis of the Negro Intellectual” and “Plural but Equal”.

    18: ??

    9, 11, 12, 16, 24, 25: Don’t hate.

    14: Danielle Belton said it best

    What is even more maddening is that for every article about lowering standards there are complaints that black women have no standards. That we lie down with anyone and want hard, thuggish men who are no good. Which one is it people? Are we uppity black American princesses who won’t settle for anything less than an Ivy League baller OR are we low, screw anybody harlots who keep getting knocked up by some dude who’s either been in, is headed to or is currently in prison? Because stereotypes are clashing like mad when it comes to people’s opinions on this.

    15: You know you my man 50 grand and everything, but how you gon’ trot out some old Reagan era welfare queen stereotype?

    • #20: I can concede to the idea of keeping chicken and the mac’n cheese in tact (like I said, my homegirl’s chicken can silence any rants I have about the black people/chicken stereotype). But all watermelon must be destroyed immediately. Plus, for the benefit of EVERYBODY, the Kool Aid must remain untouched. In order for some steretypes to live on, others have to be sacrificed.

      #18: Jesse Lee Patterson is off his rocker in most instances. But I completely agree with his postulation that allowing certain people to become self-appointed “leaders” in the black community is farcical.

      #s 9, 11, 12, 16, 24, 25: C’mon Malik. I’m not hating. OK…maybe a little. But it’s very hard to defend Ray J.

      #14: I can’t say that the “uppity black princess” archetype has been very prevalent in my circles (perhaps outside of the gold-digger types I see on TV who have become staples in popular culture). I don’t run into them enough to offer a true response. But I suspect that even THOSE types fit into the pathology of black women choosing tough, bad boys over “good” guys.

      Thugs, by the way, are not just street hoods. “Ivy League ballers” can be thugs too. Or at the very least they can be bad news.

      Every decent guy who has ever heard “You’re a nice guy, but…” can attest, I’m sure.

      #15: I would probably think Reagan’s welfare queen stereotype was complete B.S. if I didn’t personally know people who unapologetically (and even boastfully) lived solely off the government. I do. I mean, some of my fam actually BRAG about not having to work. Egh.

      • #20: But watermelon is just so tasty and refreshing. How about sunflower seeds? If I could smack every fool I see spitting sunflower seed husks on the ground. . .

        #18: JLP? Who’s he leading? Perhaps you meant token negros. After all, the Prez is a Black leader.

        #14: I’m a nice kind intelligent brother (if I do say so myself) and I got mad play before I got married. I can give you some tips if you like 🙂

        #15: Yeah, I know some too, but serious biz, most folks are just trying to work themselves back to independence and need a little help along the way. We’re quick to judge people when they fall on hard times.

  6. Pants MUST be worn at the waist. Not below the waist and CERTAINLY not above the waste (Erckel, anybody?)

    Doo rags must be prohibited at all times.

    Club goers have to wear timers. If they are on time at the club, but not on time at work they will be fined $500 for each infraction.

    No shoes, no shirt, no service. This applies to bring babies in the store as well.

  7. I sent this to one of my best friends. She COULD NOT stop laughing!!!! Plus, I think she wants to marry you now. Uh, oh: now you’ve done it! LOL!

  8. Andre, I am ROFL. And I agree 100% with you. THAT’S shocking in and of itself. 😉
    This, my brother, is a keeper!

  9. Pingback: Changing My Race the Legal Way « The Unmitigated Word

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