…one must shut the heck up. Or something like that.

Time and time again when discussing politics and social issues, I promised my good friend the Hippie Conservative that I would lay off spouses and children of political figures, unless those people threw themselves in the spotlight. But, I’m sorry HC, Bristol had this coming to her. This story is simply too appalling to go undiscussed.

According to sources, Bristol Palin has become a paid spokesperson for the Candie’s Foundation in an effort to help create awareness about the perils of teen pregnancy. Contain your laughter people, please.

My issue is not necessarily with what many people would consider hypocrisy: paying an unwed, teenage knucklehead of mother to be an advocate for abstinence. That’s actually fine with me. Recovering drug addicts are the best people to speak to issues of drug abuse. Struggling high school dropouts are the best advocates for staying in school. So following that logic, Bristol would be just as good as anybody to be a spokesperson.

What bothers me is the fact that Bristol’s story of young motherhood is in no way similar to most teenage mothers’ stories. Struggling is far more of a liklihood for the audience to whom she would be speaking than it ever will be for her. I’m sorry; but getting paid handsomely to preach about the same abstinece she didn’t even following, having financial support from millionaire parents, not having to work (or even finish high school for that matter), and never having to stand in a W.I.C. line is not likely to relate well with other teenage mothers. If Bristol’s message was about the dangers of being a pregnant child of a politician during a heated campaign season, there you have it. She would have been perfect. In any other instances, having her be the face of an entire anti-teenage sex movement is laughable and insulting.

Then, there was damning (put commendably honest) interview on Fox News where she admittedly stated that abstinence was “just not realistic.” If she has decided to make it her mission to preach the importance of abstinence despite her nihilistic views on its feasibility, kudos to her (though, she has since had a change of opinion since she’s now being paid to say the opposite). Nothing says more about a person’s character and their perserverance than if they fight for a cause they truly don’t believe they can actually win. But if this all some ridiculous publicity stunt to promote Candies (the same company who endorses abstinence on one hand, while featuring the highly sexualized Brittney Spears to sell stilettos on the other), then shame on them and shame on Bristol.

Preaching from a gleaming tower of disconnected hypocrisy and selling high heels to teenagers is a foolproof way of promoting abstinence, wouldn’t you say?

End of rant. Thank you.