Black women aren’t all crazy. Who would’ve thunk it?

Oh my damn.

Just when I was ready to give up on the entire species of black women, I’ve finally come across one who hasn’t lost her damn mind. It’s just too bad that, at best, she and I can only have computer love . Please check her out as she kicks knowledge (you have to suffer through two and half minutes of clips from ‘crazy black woman’ movies to get to the vlogger who stole my heart):

That’s it. I need to find this sister. Starting.Right.Now.

- ACL

Gifts That Keep On Giving

*Imitating Will Downing* “This one’s for fellas” (but I suppose you ladies can chime in, too. We need your candor):

Well brothers, we’ve survived another miserable Valentine’s Day. Congratulations! No more chocolates and flowers to hunt for. No more fighting in the aisles for the last greeting card. You’re officially in the clear.

However…

Even though Valentine’s Day in our rear view mirror, we still need to step up to plate in terms of how we display our affection to the fairer sex. Though I’m not suggesting that success in relationships is (or should be) based solely on what you give your lady, I will argue that some of the following everyday “gifts” can go a long way in pleasing your mate. So in continuing with my “those who can’t do, teach” theme on dating and relationships, here are a few of those “Million Ways” you can please your woman. Hear me now:

 

1. The gift of paying attention to taste and size: You’ve heard womenfolk say it before. And it’s true. To women, size does matter. In this case, I’m not referring to your ‘package’. I’m talking about the size of the clothing you give her as a gift. If there is one sure fire way to get your lady mad at you, buy her a piece of clothing that is either too big or too small. There are certain messages she will read in either scenario. But you can most certainly expect a less than favorable outcome in both situations. You’ll get the coolest of cool points if you can find an article of clothing that (a) she loves and (b) she can fit. But unless you’re into calculated risk-taking (and you shouldn’t be. Trust me on this one), just stick to a gift card from her favorite clothing store.

2. The gift of paying attention to, well, other stuff: When your lady has spent hours in the salon getting those highlights in her hair, she expects you to notice without her having to tell you. I admit, I’m not the most observant person in the world myself, so I can definitely see the challenges in this. But I remember once when I miraculously noticed my lady friend’s hairdo, she smiled from ear to ear. If we were dating at that time, I suspect I would’ve been on the receiving end of some instant fireplace action, if you catch my drift. Pay attention to stuff. Your rewards might be greater than you can ever imagine.

3. The gift of not saying stuff just for the sake of saying it: Make it count, and make it accurate. One thing about women is that they are absolutely BRILLIANT when it comes to identifying B.S. lines we use to curry favor with them. Coupled with that, they know exactly when they’re cute and when they look like a hot mess. Telling your lady she looks beautiful while she’s wearing sweaty gym clothes or even if she feels like she’s packed on some weight might earn you a side-eye of skepticism, even if you think it’s true. But what will definitely get you the side-eye (and probably a trip to the doghouse) is some lame attempt to compliment her when she’s sick in the bed with tissue sticking out of both nostrils and green mucus-y stuff drooling out of her mouth. She’ll read right through you. Sympathize with her, but shut up.

4. The gift of special food for a special person: When a guy really hits the jackpot, he’s able to get a woman who is anything but high maintenance. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still go to considerable lengths to treat your lady to the occasionally special culinary experience. So when it comes to food, particularly to celebrate special moments with her, I suggest one of two things: (1) learn how to cook and drop some fantastic meals in her lap or (2) be very judicious about the kind of restaurants where you take her. Unless she specifically wants to frequent certain places, avoid joints with counter-dining, giggling teenagers in the next booth, drive-thru windows (Duh!), buffets, or beeper thingies which let you know when your table is ready. Consider going to places where you would feel out of place if you weren’t wearing a tie.

5. The gift of channeling your inner Mr. Belvedere: This concept applies to all fellas, whether you live with your lady, spend a good amount of time at her place or if she spends even a modest amount of time at yours. Get off your John Brown hindparts and do some housework! By that I’m not talking about lifting your legs while she vacuums or moving your feet while she dusts the table. I’m not talking about taking all of your crap and tossing it behind the couch. I’m talking about scrubbing bathtubs, mopping floors, cleaning and disinfecting trashcans, washing, drying, and putting away the dishes, laundry, dusting. Of course, the outdoors work is also a part of your responsibility. But make your indoor work count too. If you think rock solid abs, bulging biceps, and a nice car are sexy to women, you should see what putting on a pair of rubber gloves and pulling out the Windex does to them.

6. The gift of doing for her and not for yourself: Whatever you do, don’t call tickets to the Michigan/Ohio State football game a “gift”, if she doesn’t like football. I don’t know what tiny organism crawls inside men’s heads, but something occasionally possesses us to buy our lady gifts that we secretly want for ourselves. Uh, don’t. And also, don’t try to be slick by buying her something that has more of a benefit to you. Buying your lady a garter belt and thigh high stockings, hot as that sounds right about now, will more than likely get picked up on by the womanfolk as a nefarious attempt to satisfy yourself under the guise of being a generous gift-giver. I mean, how would you feel if your lady bought you a yoga mat, some patent leather pumps, or a leopard-printed head scarf?  And while we’re on gift-giving, put some thought into your gifts fellas. Don’t buy at the last second. And please, please, please don’t buy your gift at a gas station. That should go without saying.

What’s up brothers? Anything else you can add?

- ACL

The Most Depressing Day in the Life of a Single…

…Man

It’s 1:00 on an unusually cold and rainy summer night. You just got home from your best friend’s wedding (a friend – by the way – whom nobody ever predicted would be in a committed relationship. Yet, there he is, in marital bliss).

Earlier that day, you ran into your ex who once cruelly gave you a vasectomy of the heart. Nevertheless, Mr. Karma has passed right over her and probably hasn’t even jotted her name down in his book. She seems to be doing quite well and has moved on to another man; a man who is taller than you, better built than you, wealthier than you, owns a top-of-the-line motorcycle, a sailboat, and a lakefront house, serves as a deacon at his church, coaches little league, volunteers his time at a local charity, is a personal trainer, and who recently appeared on a billboard.

The food at the wedding sucked, and there wasn’t enough of it.

Half-drunk and overwhelmed with misery, you stop by a store on the way home to grab an early copy of the newspaper and a bag of Doritos. A long night in your king-size bed awaits you, so you grab some items you’ll need to make the time pass.

A long night. Alone.

You have no voicemail messages on your phone.

You have no email messages awaiting you, except for junk mail from Nigerian scammers and some crap about how your 10:00 meeting at work was moved to 11:00.

The napkin you used to jot down that one cute bridesmaid’s number got destroyed in your wet pants.

Hoping to cheer yourself up, you pick up the copy of Maxim your friend gave you as he was “purging” himself for his big day. Out of curiosity, you look to Miss (whatever your birth month is) to see if the model does your month justice. She does. She’s beautiful. She appears to be pretty lively. She enjoys sports, romantic evenings, and sitcoms. You can totally see yourself with somebody like her. But, as you look over her factoid (OK, her factoid and her pictures), one other vital piece of information jumps out at you:

She’s 22.

Twenty-two years old. According to your calculations, when you were a freshman in college, she was in the fifth grade. Not that you ever had a chance with her, but the age deviation brought home a very sad reality: you’re now the old dude in the crowd.

You put the magazine away and head off to bed. But before you go to sleep, you make one more critical mistake: you turn on the TV. You see Justin Bieber sitting courtside at the Miami Heat game while Dwayne Wade and Lebron James have scored combined for 67 points by halftime. You also realize that each of these extremely rich, highly loved social icons all achieved their status before they turned 25. And, thus, another opportunity to feel small and insignificant.

But all is not completely lost. The events of the day have helped you to realize that it’s time to start growing up. This is the day you decide to tone down on the Maxim and the ESPN, and finally get around to ordering that subscription to Forbes magazine.

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…Woman

It’s 6:00 on a dark Saturday evening. You just left your best friend’s bridal shower, which coincided with the celebration of her promotion to regional manager at Wells Fargo. Her husband-to-be; a Ph.D. in Biochemistry, consultant to the Environmental Protection Agency, and nationally renowned scholar, has just been named Dean of the College of Arts, Sciences, and Letters at the University of Michigan.

You kicked him to the curb during your next to last year in college for being “too corny.”

As you congratulate them on their engagement and all of their success, they respond by thanking you for “making it all possible.”

There was too much too food at the shower. But in a bout with futility, you fight to avoid eating so much as a piece of cake. But you have no problem downing five cosmopolitans.

Half-drunk and overwhelmed with misery, you stop by a store on the way home to grab a pint of expensive ice cream, a TV guide, and the latest edition of People magazine. On the way home, you pass what you would swear were at least five hundred couples holding hands as they walk or kissing in public; all within a four mile drive from the store to your apartment.

As you finally arrive home, you lose a heel on your favorite shoes from that hole in the steps the landlord has been promising to fix for three months now.

You have no voicemail messages on your phone.

You have no email messages awaiting you, except for junk mail you get from Jones New York and some pictures of your sister’s handsome and super smart five-year-old son, who just tested at a 7th grade reading level.

You misplaced the phone number from that divorced accountant who you met on Tuesday and was supposed to go out with tonight. Your hard and fast rule of not giving out your number until the second date has backfired.

As you plop yourself on the couch, you realize that it’s too late to hit the mall, but it’s much too early to call it a night. There isn’t a thing to watch on TV and the Jennifer Aniston movie you wanted to see is no longer in the theater.

Desperate for something to cheer yourself up, you pick up the copy of People magazine to vicariously live the life of luxury through your favorite celebrities. Things are going well in your fantasy world until your thoughts are interrupted by your “I’m Every Woman” ringtone.

“Hello?” you answer.

It’s not Idris Elba.

It’s not LL Cool J.

It’s not Ryan Gosling.

It’s not even that divorced accountant dude.

It’s your mother.

“Hi honey. How was the party?”

“It was pretty nice. I got her a set of champagne flute glasses.”

“Honey, you really need to find yourself a nice man,” your mother unapologetically suggest.

Hanging up the phone (while silently thanking God that the conversation was interrupted by another caller, even if it was a wrong number), you call around, hoping to find someone with whom you can spend some time. Your married friends are all unavailable due to various domestic obligations and your single friends – limited as they are – are on dates themselves. You even considered giving your platonic neighbor a call, except things got weird between you two after his new (and sort of psychotic) girlfriend saw you guys walking back from the laundry room together.

Out of sheer boredom, you pull out that pint of ice cream while contemplating whether or not to get started on that “important project” at work, which actually isn’t due for another four months.

You concede to the moment by calling your mother back to tell her it’s OK to give your phone number to Mort, the organic ice cream vendor at the Farmer’s Market.

She informs you that even he’s been taken.

Hanging up again, you now conclude that there is no justice in the world. Just plenty of ice cream, your job, Lifetime, and men who are somebody else’s mate.

But all is not completely lost. The events of the day have helped you to realize that it’s time to start growing up. This is the day you decide to tone down on the People magazine and also finally get around to ordering that subscription to Forbes.

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On that note, um, Happy Valentines’ Day. :-/

- ACL

Turning the Page

Hello there, 2012. I hope this proves to be an adventurous year. But not too much. Let’s not overdo it.

As for 2011? It’s been real. I’ve had my share of fun times, difficult moments, successes, and failures. Some relationships have been destroyed, others restored. Some moments left me feeling completely engaged with the world, others left me wanting to hide from it. Like every other year, 2011 was one full of ups and downs. But by and large, particularly evidenced by the fact that I’m still here to even reflect on it, the year was dominated by ups.

However, 2011 is now in the past. Time to start looking forward.

So here’s the thing: given my love for reading, it’s only appropriate to use the following allegory. I see life as a book. Each action we take translates into a new sentence, a new paragraph, a new page, and ultimately a new chapter. While the existing chapters provide very necessary context, I think we need to leave them behind us and get on with the rest of the book. We can’t expect to move on to the next chapter in our lives if we keep our attention fixed on what’s already been laid down on paper. Somewhere down the road, we need to pick up the pen and get to work on the next part of lives.

So as we wave our collective goodbyes to one year and welcome in the new year with open arms, let’s make it our mission not to focus on the past and move toward the future.

Random Person Asking Andre a Question: “Does that include forgetting about the crazy and unfaithful ex-girlfriend who treated me like dirt, despite me treating her like royalty?”

Andre: “Yes, it does.”

OK, OK. Fine. I’m turning a few of my pages too.

Peace and blessings to you all this year and in all your days!

- ACL

Revenge on the Ex: The Easy Way

“Revenge is a dish best served cold.”

- Klingon proverb.

“Whatever. Just toss that mess in the garbage disposal.”

- Me.

Ladies, have you ever felt like your ex has taken your heart, flattened it out, and used it as a coaster for his beer? Fellas, have you ever felt like your ex has taken your heart and served it to her family pet as an entree? Wise men say simply moving on and living a productive life without your ex is the best form of revenge. They couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is: getting revenge is the best kind of revenge. And believe me when I say: that sh*t is tempting.

After my breakup, I had plenty of opportunities to make my ex’s life miserable. And it would’ve been all too sweet. The problem however, is that while most of the nefarious plots we can come up with may inconvenience those who have done us wrong, these inconveniences are usually short-lived. More importantly, they fail to adequately get to the heart of the matter. The damage inflicted doesn’t hit its mark…while at the same time making you look rather puerile.

That, and…well…some of the stuff we come up with will probably land us in the clink.

That said, if you really want to get even with somebody, I think you essentially have two options: First, you can opt to take the low road. I’m talking something that hits way below the belt. Like hooking up with their best friend. It would be that much more fulfilling if you happened to be immensely rich and successful before hooking up with the friend, but the best friend route is usually a sure way to fire back. Now, obviously there are some inherent risks associated with a move like this. After all, you’re facing a very definite possibility that the friend will be even worse than the person with whom you’re trying to get even. Follow this path at your own discretion.

Or, there is the more mature route: do nothing.

Lick your wounds. Sit back. Bide your time. And wait.

Sit back and let God do the job of unleashing revenge on your ex. It may not be obvious at first. It always starts off with simple things, which progress over time. A scratched CD here, a flat tire there. Those are the warning signs. But if your ex doesn’t see the error of their evil ways, God will visit them with the modern-day equivalent of the Plagues of Egypt: He’ll make them fall in love with somebody who will treat them as bad as they treated you. Or worse.

The old adage just happens to be true: Time does heal all wounds. Eventually you will recover from this. I promise you. But you can take solace in another truth, one they don’t teach but is equally true: Sooner or later, time wounds all heels.

- ACL

Restoring Broken Trust

I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m done focusing my energy on my ex. But I will say this: through I freely admit my wrongdoings against her, she was definitely wrong and inconsiderate for what she did to me. I tried to fix things between the two of us. However, she met my attempts at reconciliation with an unfortunate display of callousness and heartlessness. The end. Open and shut case. Nothing more to see here. So I promise this will be the last time I use any of my precious blog space on anything related to her. Frankly, the whole situation isn’t worth any more of my time, words, or sanity. It just isn’t.

But the introspective part of me considers it very important to examine a situation, muddle through the sordidness, and find an important lesson to extract. So what exactly can I learn from all of this?

I think if anything, I’ve learned both the difficulty and importance of restoring trust in people even after being let down. Over the past week or so, I’ve had great conversations with two of my closest friends; friends with whom I have ironically had broken/restored relationships at one point or another in my past (see here and here). In my candid but very insightful discussions with both of them, I was provided with much needed clarity and perspective about the dynamics of restoring/building relationships with anothers. This post is motivated by those conversations.

As much as I hate writing posts inundated with bullet points, I guess it’s pertinent in this case as I list a few important lessons I’ve learned:

(1) Actions are only specific to an individual, NOT to an entire collection of people: Admittedly, I have a very strong tendency to lose sight of this fact. It’s in those misguided moments where I would’ve taken the actions of my ex and formed general beliefs about everybody. “I loved her and treated her well. Yet she did me wrong. So I should probably expect this treatment over and over again” is how I typically found myself thinking. But labeling the entire world because of the antics of one person is disingenuous, damaging, and unfair to the other 6.8 billion people currently on this planet.

(2) People are…well…people: We’re all humans. As such, none of us are exempt from the frailties and limitations of being humans. Simply put, we ALL have the capacity to hurt and betray. I mean, if Jesus could be betrayed by some of the very same men He hand-picked to be His followers, why shouldn’t we expect people to betray our trust from time to time? Facing this pretty certain reality, does that mean we should stop trusting people? Of course not. In fact, I would argue just the opposite: we should do our best to extend ourselves to others even if/when they miss the mark. That’s the true indication of our character.

(3) Pick up the mirror every now and then: As much as I’ve been hurt and betrayed in my life, I’m really no better when it comes to how I treat other people. I’ve hurt people in the past and I’ve betrayed people’s trust (including my ex). It stands to reason that I’ll do so again in the future.  It’s about as certain of a thing to bet on as the Lions missing the playoffs (sorry Lions fans). But one of the things that I – scratch that we – can do is realize that our ability to forgive others for the wrongs they’ve committed against us is deeply rooted in being forgiven ourselves. You can’t expect forgiveness unless you’re willing to forgive. This was the hardest, yet most important lesson for me to learn.

As dear and VERY appreciated readers, my challenge to you is identify a situation you may be dealing with in your life requiring you to fix broken relationships. Try to reach out to the person/people involved in a spirit of humility and submission. Recognize your own faults while forgiving them for theirs. Make no mistake: I won’t guarantee success. Some people just can’t be reached, or are often too stubborn and unmovable in their jaded and selfish thinking. But in the end, peace will STILL be yours.

Holla at me!

- ACL

Wishful Thinking

*Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.* A girlfriend without drama, emotional baggage, or committment issues…and who loves me for me.

Sigh. Guess that sh*t only happens on TV:

- ACL