How To Keep Your Social Networking Friends (That is, if you even want them)

As a self-professed social networking junkie, I proudly accept my role on the team of users who don’t really care how “popular” they are on social networking sites. But for other folks, being well-received on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. is a matter of life and death. Even the slightest hint of dwindling popularity (in the form of being ‘unfriended’ on Facebook, ‘unfollowed’ on Twitter, etc.) can be cause for concern for certain folks. To some users, it would represent a personal diss, a lack of acceptance, or sign of animosity.

I can’t say I blame you, and I assure you that I’m not casting judgement. In fact, for a while even I used the Twitter service “Who Unfollowed Me” to track people who either stopped following me, never followed me at all, or who didn’t following me back. So please believe me when I say, I get it. So much so, that your brave and intrepid host would like to offer you a solution. Like anything, this may require some work. But here are a few ways to keep your circle of social networking friends intact (if that kind of thing interests you):

(1) Avoid discussing polarizing topics: Simply put, issues of race, religion, politics, society (Hello? All the stuff I talk about here) should be avoided at all costs if you want to keep the community of people you have and possibly gain more followers. You know how they say never to discuss hard-hitting topics at work? The same rule applies for social networking. Some of these topics can clear the room faster than a person living on steady diet of the “musical fruit.”

(2) Avoid posting too much of nothing: If you did an informal poll of social networking users, I’d bet one their biggest peeves would be incessant and pointless posting. Look, nobody likes to have their timelines and newsfeeds flooded with posts about your favorite TV show, your score on Bejeweled, how many miles you ran that day, or pictures of your food. In fact – true story – a guy unfollowed me on Twitter because he said I posted too many tweets about one of my favorite shows, The Walking Dead. It’s not like we were actually friends in real life and I didn’t exactly follow him much online (OK, I didn’t follow him at all. Sue me.), so the loss didn’t affect me either way. But, again, other users might not be as dismissive about it as I am.

(3) Avoid posting crude and offensive material: Well, that should go without saying. Folks posting material laced with racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. are sure to draw attention. But immediately after that, one should expect to draw opposition and – ultimately – disassociation. There’s a reason why Westboro Baptist Church is one of the most hated institutions in the world. It’s not because their cooking.

(4) Avoid being too “goody goody”: Wait a second, Andre. Are you really implying that – in this world of sick and cynical people – being good is a bad thing? For the world’s sake? Of course not. For the sake of social networking? Absolutely. Posting your “Bible Verse of the Day”, cutesy memes with cats and newborn babies, or glittery images imploring a person to “Do a Happy Dance” are signatures of beautifully-souled people (who just happen to live on an otherwise rotten planet). But it’s also a way to get people to unfriend you (see point #2). Often though, to avoid the guilty feeling of unfriending a positive person like you, folks will probably just hide your content from their timeline. Look at it this way, try to avoid being on the extreme opposite side of the jerks from point #3. Find a happy medium, not a happy dance.

(5) Avoid displaying and enabling drama/foolishness: A while ago, I wrote a post warning folks about the perils of feeding the monster of Facebook foolishness. That message is just as pertinent today as it ever was. This applies to just about any manifestation of foolishness you can imagine: stalking people online, creating and perpetuating beefs, playing the role of a drama king/queen to compensate for an otherwise boring life, fishing for compliments, etc. Stop it. It makes you look like you’re 12 years old. Stop it. Seriously, stop it.

(6) Do nothing. Just be yourself: What does this mean? Just what it says. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to avoid being unfriended. Maybe that person just doesn’t like you. It happens. I always believed that if every single person in the world liked you, you’re doing something wrong. In life, we’re all bound to having a few people who dislike us for no other reason except because we exist. Try not to harbor on it too much. Maybe they’re just not that into you.

So, what do you think? Do you agree? Disagree? Anything else you can add? If so, the floor is yours. You know what to do!

P.S. OK, I lied a little bit. While I don’t care who follows me on Facebook or Twitter, I’m pretty sensitive about my blog. Don’t unsubscribe, bro!

- ACL

Simple Dating Rules (For Valentine’s Day and Beyond)

Happy Valentine’s Day, you lovestruck muddasuckas!

So I’ve long since moved on from the psycho otherwise known as my ex, and am now headed toward much friendlier and happier climes. As such, I’m in a very generous (and yes, Cupid-y) kind of mood today. This one is for the bruhs. Now, I’ve never believed in giving other men gifts…on Valentine’s Day, no less. But since I’m pretty much the smartest person I know, allow me to impart some sage words to the fellas that will ensure this Valentine’s Day won’t be your last (OK, you might ruin things some time during the year, but not tonight). Here goes:

1. Be on time. For people of color, I know this is genetically a challenge. But it’s imperative to ward off any genetic predispositions to being late. If your plans called for 8 pm, then dammit, be there at 7:45 pm. Now I know with men, there is some inexplicable differentiation in the ontology of time and we will likely get stuck waiting on the woman to get ready. But it is vital that at least WE are on time.

2. I don’t think I really need to tell you this, fellas. But when you’re picking up your date, get out of the car. Don’t wait in the driveway and blow your horn. Trust me: if you do that, she won’t come out.

3. Fellas, under NO circumstance should you EVER expect to “Go Dutch”. Perhaps after the fifth or sixth date, you can suggest she leave the tip or offer gas money. But even that’s a stretch. Even the most bold and unfettering feminists who “don’t need a man” apparently don’t expect to ever have to pay. I know: that one tripped me out too! I would’ve never thought…

*Important note here: If a woman offers to pay half or all of the tab, never, ever, ever, ever, ever take her at her word. If she makes a suggestion that seemingly lets you off the hook (i.e. “I don’t mind paying my half” or “Let’s do what YOU want to do”), think the opposite. If you take her at her word, you’ll live to regret it.

4. Don’t be deceived by the women’s liberation movement. Contrary to beliefs, we are STILL expected to be the decision makers when it comes to places to eat, movies to see, events to attend, etc. The key is, however: it HAS to be something she likes. As such, we need to poke and prod our way around their psyche to know what they like. From there, its our job to identify locations most germane to their interests. First, you have to find out she likes sea food. THEN you have to find a good sea food joint. One and two.

5. Once plans have been established, maintain those plans. Deviations and improvisations are not acceptable, unless she prompts them (and be prepared for changes and Plan Bs, especially if you’re dating a single mother, a work-a-holic, a fashionista, or a church girl).

6. Once you arrive at your destination, it is imperative that you do NOT flirt with the female employees at that establishment. Restaurants, for instance, are notorious for having female servers (usually pretty hot ones, too) who always seem to be ‘too friendly.’ Avoid the temptation. Avoid it.

7. If you are at a restaurant, leave a good tip. Throw the 10-15% rule out the window.

8. Be willing to pay heavily for a meal even if it means you have to solicit a Congressional bailout package to cover the tab.

9. Do not drive in separate vehicles unless – again – she prompts it.

10. Do not order FOR your date or BEFORE your date.

11. Shut up and listen. The only time you should speak – as Chris Rock brilliantly pointed out – is when you ask questions which allow her to continue talking.

12. When talking about the future, avoid being the first one to use personal pronouns in the plural sense (i.e. “we”, and “us”). To her, that sounds like you’re planning your future together before she is. Road closed. Thin ice. Drive around. THEY have to be the one who makes it official. Not us.

13. Go to unique places. Frequenting the same joints with different dates (if applicable to your dating situation) is dangerous, especially if the people around you mistaken your date for someone else.

14. Never accept seating in a ‘bad part’ of an establishment. Sitting behind the loud people in movie theatre, the messiest part of a restaurant, the nosebleeds of an event, etc. will lead to some sort of enigmatic transferal of blame. Even if you have nothing to do with the seating, it will nevertheless get pinned to you. I don’t understand that one. It just is.

15. Groom yourself well. I know being the pretty boy seems a little…uh…unmanly (?), but keep yourself well groomed. Don’t go overboard, though. Looking good for your date = good. Looking BETTER than your date = not so good.

16. Don’t do flowers, candy, balloons, or the other Hallmarky stuff until you know what she likes. If she doesn’t like it, she’ll dismiss it (and likely, you) as being corny.

17. Opening building doors is a given. Not so obvious is the question of opening car doors. This is one that even my female friends – much to my surprise – can’t universally speak to. The only cases where it seems mandatory to get the passenger door is when you’re already approaching the car from that direction or when weather is an obstacle. Every other situation is subject to debate. I’d just err on the side of caution and open every single door you encounter. Play it safe.

18. Only hugs are acceptable at the end of a date, unless – again – she prompts something different. Handshakes are too corporate. Kisses are too violating. Hugs are a safe middle ground.

19. Walk her as far to her door as she’ll allow. She will usually let you know where to stop when she stops the first time (once again, a subtle move I never picked up on…). Also, don’t drive away until she’s safely inside. Sheesh.

20. No matter what you’re doing, calling her the next day is vital. To date, I can’t figure out what its so critical that a woman be called back the next day. But apparently it is. Just do it. Ours is not to reason why…

Anything else you can add? If not, be on your merry way. Get it done, bruhs!

- ACL

Changing My Race the Legal Way

A while ago, I wrote a very kind letter to the President asking him to help us (by us, I mean my cousins ‘nem) to get better. To date, the President has yet to respond. I’m sure he’s read it, and it’s on his “To-Do” list. But he just hasn’t gotten around to implementing my recommendations yet. He has a few slightly more important things do deal with – fiscal cliffs, crazy Republicans, Syria, and s***. But, I know my letter is weighing heavily on his mind.

My next request is of a legal nature, so I’ll leave the Prez out of this. So, Mr. Eric Holder, this one is for you. Look, it’s no secret that this whole “me being black” thing ain’t really working out. Too many of us embarrassing the rest of us. I’ve tried to get one of those “Change of Race” forms they stash at the Secretary of State’s office. But each time I request one, they’re all gone. My guess is: there are thousands of us who are thinking the same thing. We want out! So if I can get you to sign off on it, here’s a contract which I think covers everything we need to legally emancipate me from being black:

Agreement of Ethnicity Relinquishment

Section 1: Eligibility: Upon meeting the criteria established in the following document, the Plaintiff (colloquially referred to as the Claimant) may relinquish his or her ethnic identity and adopt any other ethnic identity formally recognized by the United States Census, to include any of the following: White; Latino; American Indian, Alaska Native; Asian, Middle Eastern, Samoan; other Pacific Islander*;

1.a – A member of another recognized ethnicity does something meritorious or so deserving of credit as to be worthy of emulation.

1.b – A member of another recognized ethnicity (to wit, Blacks Americans or people of African descent) commits an act so egregious, shockingly stupid, embarrassing, evil, or so deserving of predestined damnation as to be worthy of complete and utter repudiation (for example, if two ig’nant ninjas decided to steal $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings. But of course, nothing that stupid would EVER happen in real life, right? Oh. Wait.).

Section 2: Exchanging Ethnicity: The Claimant must relinquish his or her ethnicity in a publicly-recognized civil ceremony.

2.a – The Claimant shall, within view of an agent of the law, perform an act associated with the ethnicity of his or her choice and so be publicly identified. (For example, the Claimant blocked Black Entertainment Television from his or her cable package);

2.b – The Claimant shall, within view of an agent of the law (and, for good measure, at least two other witnesses) verbally recite the following declaration “I, _____, hereby declare that I am no longer black on my (mom or dad’s) side.”

Section 3: Rights and Responsibilities: At the commencement of adopting the new ethnicity, the Claimant shall assume all of the rights and responsibilities of his or her newly established ethnicity (for example, should the Claimant become Latino, he or she must immediately convert to Catholicism and agree to frequently combine elements of both the Spanish and English languages in a single sentence. Should the Claimant become White, his or her credit score must immediately surge to 850, you will no longer be subjected to police stops, and any pathological behaviors – notably of the violent nature – shall be deemed ‘mental illness’. Oppositely, the Claimant also relinquishes any sense of rhythm and coordination. But when you control the Federal Reserve, who cares about doing the Wobble?).

Section 4: The Caveat: Under no circumstances shall the Claimant be allowed to reverse the ruling or revert back to his or her former racial or ethnic identity. Moreoever, Claimants representing another racial or ethnic identity shall be prohibited from becoming a Black American or person of African descent. Claimants attempting to do so shall be considered cognitively disabled and will be subjected to detention at at maximum security facility in the interest of preserving public safety and individual well-being.

STATEMENT

I, the undersigned, formerly a ________________________________________________ and being of sound mind wish to become a  ________________________________________________________.

I recognize that with my signature I agree to the terms and conditions outlined in this document. Failure to comply with these terms will result in, well, me staying black. And none of us want that.

______________________________________________________________________
(Signature of Claimant)

______________________________________________________________________
(Date)

______________________________________________________________________
(Witnessed by)

Come on, brother Holder. Sign it man! I need this. Too many of my cousins ‘nem taking over.

- ACL

Why I’m A Horrible Person

Years from now when I’m nothing but a page in the history book of this world, I’d like to think I’ll be remembered as a genuinely good guy. I want people to think back on all the good times they had with me and – hopefully – on how I made one piece of this planet a better place to live. But I also admit that I’m a pretty rotten person at times. I make no bones about that. Rather than going into some self-inflated discussion about why I’m such a great person, I’m exposing myself here to present some reasons why I’m a really horrible person:

(1) I don’t brake for animals. Actually, let me put this another way: I don’t brake for animals that don’t have a direct consequence to me or my vehicle. If I see a deer wandering in the street, a boar on the loose, or a bear riding a unicycle, I’m definitely stopping. But if Fido is blocking traffic and I’m running late for the Michigan game? Well, that’s just in God’s will. Nice knowing you, Fido. If the title is correct, all dogs go to Heaven anyway. So I guess you could say I’m doing him a favor.

(2) I cheat in the grocery line. I guess this falls in line with stealing, sorry to say. But if I’m purchasing produce by the pound, I put minimal weight on the scale giving me the best deal possible. In other cases (especially with leafy lettuce) if I don’t need the full amount that comes pre-packaged, I’ll only take what I need from that package and the put the rest back. What can I say? They shouldn’t bulk the produce so much.

(3) Speaking of grocery store antics, if I’m really hungry at the store, I eat. It started with me nibbling on a cookie or snacking on a few grapes. But it’s graduated to alarmingly high levels lately. I mean, I pay for it…so it’s technically not stealing right? Oh, don’t act like you’ve never made a ham and cheese sandwich in line. You pretentious muddasuckas.

(4) I try on dress shirts even if it’s against store policy. I honestly think this is more in silent protest to the antiquated way dress shirts are packaged and to ridiculous store policies than anything else. I don’t apologize for trying on shirts. It’s an important part of the whole clothes buying process (I hate shopping for clothes, by the way. But it’s a necessary evil). If retailers choose to continue to waste their money on pins, cardboard, and paper for shirts, then they’ll just have to keep picking up the mess I leave for them after I’m done trying those shirts on. I mean, not all shirts fit the same. Not all materials feel the same. If there’s a problem with my shirt, I want to know NOW. Not after I buy it. Not after I drive all the way home. If you salesmen have a problem with that, kick rocks.

(5) I give out fake numbers or take a person’s number with absolutely no intention of ever calling. I know, I’m horrible. But in my defense (a) I only do this to people who are overly aggressive and (b) I do this because I consider it a lot more polite – at least at the time – than telling them to kick rocks. I’d bet most people don’t even know I gave them a bum number or deliberately didn’t call them. They probably chalk it up to a simple mistake.

(6) I unapologetically bad-mouth my ex. Thing about this one: when we first broke up (to date, she’s managed to convince herself that I broke up with her when, in reality, she was the one engaged in the most objectionable behavior out of the two of us), I tried to be a grown up about it. Before, only the people closest to me were provided with the truly sordid details of her behavior (or, as she would call it, “smearing her.” *Facepalm*). I didn’t really talk about her or the ordeal publicly. Partially, it was out of the embarrassment of being cheating on. But mostly I was also trying to save face by not appearing immature and bitter. I think I did a pretty good job of that for a while. At one point, I even arrived at her doorstep humbly apologizing for my role in our fallout! But when she took to the social networking airwaves to go after me, the gloves came off. On top of that, newer developments have come to my attention recently convincing me ONCE AND FOR ALL that this girl has some serious issues. At this point in the game, I have ZERO INTEREST in being the grown up. If anybody wants to know what happened with us and what’s she’s really like, I freely volunteer the pure and unadulterated truth (I wish I hadn’t thrown away the evidence I collected). Fellas, if you ever think about trying to approach her for a date, I have some advice for you: don’t. You’ll be all the wiser (and indeed, happier) if you stayed away from her. Crazy is not what you need in your life.

To the ex: if you’re reading this, finish the whole post first, forward it to your friends (I can use the extra readership). But immediately after that, seek help. You need it.

(7) I offer smart alec commentary. About everything. Oftentimes, this is to my peril, as many people don’t understand my sense of humor. Besides that, I sometimes have a hard time turning on the filter at the appropriate times.

(8) I have very little patience for things and people who don’t make sense to me. I tend to be a creature of logic. Later for all that emotional gobbledegook. That kind of thinking usually gets me in trouble (especially with the fairer sex, who think I should automatically understand and accept my thinking). This isn’t to say that I’m completely devoid of feelings and emotion. But I have little patience for them if/when they interfere with things that make sense.

(9) I’m occasionally an Internet troll. A troll is basically a provocateur, a person who riles up others. Thing is: I’m not an intentional troll…ok, I’m lying. But I’m not an intentional troll all the time, not even most of the time. Sometimes, I’m just highly opinionated. But I have been know to push buttons if for no other reason but because they need to be pushed. Mostly I do it in response to somebody else’s foolishness. But I add to fire, I admit. In recent months, I’ve backed away from this a bit, but I can’t say I haven’t had my moments.

Trolling isn’t all bad, though. What could be infinitely worse is if a person takes this beyond the glare of the computer screen and turn it into a real-life scene.

(10) Camera phones, social networking, and I make an evil team. If I see you in a compromising position, you do something embarrassing, or you’re off your A-game, it stands to reason that I’m going to capture it. I’m sure I’ve had some moments too. But fortunately, there aren’t as many people in the world evil as I am.

While none of the things listed here put me on the level of some of the truly evil people in the world, it’s still pretty evident that I need prayer. That’s where you all come in.

- ACL

Mitt Romney: Master Debater

If you ask most people, they’d probably agree that Mitt Romney won the first debate. He was far more confident and on the attack as President Obama. So much so, that Team Obama is allegedly “adjusting” their debate strategy. While Obama really was bad during that first debate, he shouldn’t be too hard on himself. Mitt was so good, that he could out-debate…um…well…himself:

If Obama can’t capitalize on Romney’s perpetual flipping, maybe he doesn’t deserve a second term.

- ACL