My Letter to the President
For starters, please allow me to say that you are not beholden to the black community in any way, shape, or form. Even though folks like Dyson, Cornel, and Tavis are manufacturing nonsensical reasons to attack your racially neutral approach to doing things, I think you should continue to focus your efforts on problems facing the entire nation. But, if I can go against my own word just this once, I would like to ask you to use your Executive muscle to specifically address a few problems directly concerning your cousins ‘nem. Please help us get our acts together!
1. A law should be enacted that will prohibit any black person over the age 16 from watching BET. Ever. Scratch that. This law should apply to every American. Scratch that again: No person on this planet should be able to watch BET. I’m generally not in favor of the U.S. playing the policeman of the world, but when it comes to universally banning BET, I’m willing to make an exception.
2. No black person should ever be allowed to work on Fox News (Sorry Marc. That includes you).
3. Legislation should be established to prohibit black people from driving SUVs. With GM virtually leaving keys in their vehicles’ ignitions and “Free” signs hanging off the window, I suspect that many black folks will stock up on their Yukons and Escalades pretty soon. Even with gas prices on the rise again, these rides might be a problem once again.
4. On a related note, black people can no longer be allowed to have $10000 rims on rides that are only worth $300.
5. While we’re on driving behavior, a new law needs to be enacted that prohibits us from doing gangsta leans in our cars. Ever.
6. Black people should be prohibited from putting stuff “in their baby’s names”. No child on the planet should have to live out their youth with a phone bill, a car note, and cable TV services already being charged to them.
7. Speaking of our children, a new law should be passed that will no longer allow a person under the age of 21 to conceive a child. I’m no fan of abortion, but I’m an even greater opponent of knucklehead’s having baby showers – when they’re 15!!!
8. Speaking of children again, black teenagers must not be allowed to spend more than $200 total for their proms. No more custom-made dresses, outlandish hair designs, funky nails, horse drawn carriages, or stretch Hummers. It’s a flippin’ high school prom, NOT a presidential inauguration (though Mr. President, if you came to your Inaugural Ball in a stretch Hummer, I’d disown you too. Sorry…)
9. Speaking of children one more time, black folks should legally be prohibited from giving their children crazy names. I’m sorry, but I will never hire an attorney named BonQuisha. I don’t care how good she is. I will never vote for a politician named Demareon-tay. By giving these innocent and unsuspecting children jacked up names, we’re setting them up for failure. I mean, look how hard it was for you to get elected with your name. Your parents got you good, too.
10. Any black churches that still print people’s tithes and offerings must to be closed down at once.
11. While we are on church behavior, brothas must be banned from wearing suits with jackets that have more than four buttons; that come in pastel colors; or that have matching gators, hats, and canes. Sistas must be prohibited from wearing flower hats, glittery dresses or off-colored stockings (red, green, yellow, etc.).
12. While we’re still on church behavior, any ministers who have to rely on theatrics to sell their message should be fired immediately. Hootin’ and hollering, creating new dance steps, and “Shaking the Haters Off…” must be banned from the church forever.
13. New laws should force brothas on the Down Low to come out. While I think the phenomenon is definitely overly-hyped, I don’t dismiss the reality that it does exist to some extent. The negative consequences to the black community (health issues, the disintegration of the black family, etc.) are all significantly impacted by this DL mess.
14. Speaking of relationships in the black community, black women should no longer be allowed to date thugs. Trust me. It’s for their own good. In fact, you should consider yourself extremely lucky that Michelle didn’t choose Leon the South-Chicago thug over you. Nice, kind, intelligent brothas never get the girl. You’re making history all over the place!
15. A person with functioning body parts, a cell phone, Baby Phat apparel, and freshly done hair/nails may not be eligible to receive welfare benefits. For that matter, welfare recipients must show proof that they’ve earnestly attempted to apply for work in order to stay eligible. Social programs are important, no doubt. But preventing people for sponging off the system is just as important.
16. Black people must no longer be able to watch the Tyra Banks show. I’d include Oprah in that list, but – as much as I try – I can’t hate on her. After all, she virtually got you elected. Tyra, on the other hand, is just ridiculous.
17. New legislation should be presented forcing the NAACP to disband or – at the very least – reexamine itself socially. Any organization that gives “Image Awards” to Mo’Nique and R. Kelly should lose their credentials immediately.
18. Black “leadership” should be disallowed and eliminated.
19. Jet, Ebony, and VIBE must be put out of commission.
20. Fried chicken must only be served at one function every six months (unless it’s Crystal’s. Then, we may have to do some negotiating). Watermelon must be completely outlawed altogether. Kool Aid can stay. 
21. Giving black folks an occasional “hookup” is perfectly acceptable. After all, white guys have been doing it for years. Except the wording is a little different. Other code names for “hookups” are “lobbying”, “insider trading”, and “bailouts.”
22. The bootleg CD/DVD man must be allowed to work full time and given a salary for his hard work.
24. The FCC must never allow D.L. Hughley or Tyler Perry to do anything on television EVER again.
25. Ray J, Flavor Flav, and New York must be arrested and waterboarded for an indefinite amount of time. Just ‘cuz.
Thank you for your attention to these most immediate and pressing issues of national security.
Sincerely,
ACL
OMG!!! This was soooo funny!!
“3. Legislation should be established to prohibit black people from driving SUVs. With GM virtually leaving keys in their vehicles’ ignitions and “Free” signs hanging off the window, I suspect that many black folks will stock up on their Yukons and Escalades pretty soon. Even with gas prices on the rise again, these rides might be a problem once again.”
Ummmm you mustve read the same article that I did…you know the one in mlive that stated that Al Serra in Grand Blanc had the hughest sales….nationally….last year…..in the one of the poorest states…next to one of the poorest cities….
*sigh*
“10. Any black churches that still print people’s tithes and offerings must to be closed down at once.”
*DEAD*
#3: I know, right? And if you think all of Al Serra’s customer base are Grand Blanc residents, think again. Good point.
#10: Sigh. The Greater…
God bless the child!
Dre, you are so ridiculously wrong (and right) for this post! I never read a list where I nod my head so much. LOL! But I especially loved 10, 11, 22, and 25. Waterboarding Ray J?! LOL!!!!
But I was a little disturbed at #8. Do people REALLY ride horse drawn carriages to the prom in Flint? What recession?!
Sadly, Cyn: kids in Flint really DO get outlandish with the prom. I can’t even describe it. It’s just something you have to see to believe.
While we’re at it, the President should write a law stating that unless it’s braces, no shiny metals can be put in our mouths.
Black people can NOT go on Maury Povich.
Black people must NOT have their children lie every time a bill collector calls.
Black people must NOT allow their children to leave the voice mail message…also no music should be allowed on voice mail messages.
Black people should NOT drive expensive cars and live in the parents’ basement.
I can go on and on…you’ve got me started.
While you’re on a roll Kenya, you can add a few more. Black people CAN NOT be allowed to do the Hustle at weddings anymore.
Black people can NOT have baby showers at all-you-can-eat buffets.
Black people can NOT blast bass out of their cars ever again.
I’m trying to think of more, but I think you covered all the bases, Dre! Hahaha!
Ah, Kenya. I see now that many of these phenomenons are not unique to my own experiences. If I had a dollar for every bill collector I had to lie to.
@ KC: Baby showers at all-you-can-eat joints?! Wow. You must’ve went to my cousins last year! I only thought people in my family did that mess. LOL!
I’d love to have fun with the behavioral issues of white people, but that’s already been covered quite extensively: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/
This was the funniest post I’ve read on a blog yet! Nice.
It ain’t that simple.
I guess teenagers make better mothers because they share they same bottle of Similac.
It’s not an endorsement, it’s just a reflection of the atrocious state of maternal health in the Black community.
#20: Negro what?! If I could do it without developing coronary disease, I’d eat fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and watermelon for breakfast lunch and dinner. And drink kool-aid in between meals.
1-4, 6, 8, 10, 21, 22: Co-sign
13: Ain’t none a my business.
17: That deserves a whole book. No, two. “The Crisis of the Negro Intellectual” and “Plural but Equal”.
18: ??
9, 11, 12, 16, 24, 25: Don’t hate.
14: Danielle Belton said it best
#20: I can concede to the idea of keeping chicken and the mac’n cheese in tact (like I said, my homegirl’s chicken can silence any rants I have about the black people/chicken stereotype). But all watermelon must be destroyed immediately. Plus, for the benefit of EVERYBODY, the Kool Aid must remain untouched. In order for some steretypes to live on, others have to be sacrificed.
#18: Jesse Lee Patterson is off his rocker in most instances. But I completely agree with his postulation that allowing certain people to become self-appointed “leaders” in the black community is farcical.
#s 9, 11, 12, 16, 24, 25: C’mon Malik. I’m not hating. OK…maybe a little. But it’s very hard to defend Ray J.
#14: I can’t say that the “uppity black princess” archetype has been very prevalent in my circles (perhaps outside of the gold-digger types I see on TV who have become staples in popular culture). I don’t run into them enough to offer a true response. But I suspect that even THOSE types fit into the pathology of black women choosing tough, bad boys over “good” guys.
Thugs, by the way, are not just street hoods. “Ivy League ballers” can be thugs too. Or at the very least they can be bad news.
Every decent guy who has ever heard “You’re a nice guy, but…” can attest, I’m sure.
#15: I would probably think Reagan’s welfare queen stereotype was complete B.S. if I didn’t personally know people who unapologetically (and even boastfully) lived solely off the government. I do. I mean, some of my fam actually BRAG about not having to work. Egh.
#20: But watermelon is just so tasty and refreshing. How about sunflower seeds? If I could smack every fool I see spitting sunflower seed husks on the ground. . .
#18: JLP? Who’s he leading? Perhaps you meant token negros. After all, the Prez is a Black leader.
#14: I’m a nice kind intelligent brother (if I do say so myself) and I got mad play before I got married. I can give you some tips if you like
#15: Yeah, I know some too, but serious biz, most folks are just trying to work themselves back to independence and need a little help along the way. We’re quick to judge people when they fall on hard times.
Pants MUST be worn at the waist. Not below the waist and CERTAINLY not above the waste (Erckel, anybody?)
Doo rags must be prohibited at all times.
Club goers have to wear timers. If they are on time at the club, but not on time at work they will be fined $500 for each infraction.
No shoes, no shirt, no service. This applies to bring babies in the store as well.
I sent this to one of my best friends. She COULD NOT stop laughing!!!! Plus, I think she wants to marry you now. Uh, oh: now you’ve done it! LOL!
Andre, I am ROFL. And I agree 100% with you. THAT’S shocking in and of itself.
This, my brother, is a keeper!